Archer

I check my reflection in the mirror one last time. My reflection, that only shows the hollow shell of a person I’ve become. I have no one to blame but myself, though. No one else let that man in the next room drain me of happiness and independence. Just me.

Sucking in a deep breath, I steady myself against the sink. I don’t know why I let Jess convince me this was a good idea. I hated school. I hated the pain, the fear, the memories. Now she wants us to go to this ten year reunion for what?

This isn’t about me. I have to push my distaste aside. I have to remind myself that I’m doing this for Jess, my best friend. She wanted to go. She wanted to rub it in everyone’s face about how well she is doing. I guess I can’t blame her, she’s a magazine model, scoped out straight from college.

She’s successful and beautiful, she has every right to show off what she made of herself. With platinum coloured hair that is always styled to perfection, and emerald eyes that remind you of moss. Jessica Farrow was born to be a model.

I stare back at my own bedraggled reflection. Tired blue eyes gaze back at me sadly, pursed lips are thinned and my hair could definitely do with a cut. That’s a problem for another day.

As soon as I step out of the bathroom, Tommy is on my case. Spouting some shit about my shirt, or skirt. I’m not really sure anymore, his words seem to blend into one another more and more these days. I’ve learnt to tune him out because listening only hurts me more.

“Are you fucking listening to me?” Tommy barges into my personal space, backing me up against the wall.

“Yes,” I whisper, even though I’ve not absorbed one syllable he’s said to me.

He gets in my space again, and before I know it, his hand is around my neck. It’s not too tight though, he wouldn’t want to leave a mark so it’s not enough to cut my circulation off – even though some days I wish it would. It would be easier than walking away, because I would only get so far before he found me again.

“You’re not wearing that,” he spits his words in my face.

“What’s wrong with it?” I have to ask, because to him, this is me seeking his approval. This is me asking his permission. This is me submitting to him.

“You look like a slut.” The look of disgust doesn’t vanish from his face, he still observes me like he’s working out what outfit would be better than this. The truth is, there isn’t one.

I’m wearing what I wear to work. A pair of flared trousers and a long sleeve shirt. I look like I should be in a business meeting, not heading out to a highschool reunion.

I knew this was a bad idea.

“I’ll change,” I protest, but Tommy continues to hurl abuse at me. At least he drops his grip around my throat, but only long enough to send a crippling blow to my ribs.

I drop to the floor, clutching my side as bile rises up from the pits of my stomach. I can’t breathe, I can’t swallow. My eyes well and I can feel heat flushing my cheeks. Nausea envelopes me and I fight so hard not to vomit. I don’t want to piss Tommy off even more, so I bite my lip and close my eyes, allowing the excruciating pain to take over until it decides to subside.

Tommy still spews his venomous words at me, but the blood pounding so loudly in my ears drowns him out. I finally sense him backing away, he’s mumbling some shit about people asking questions about why I’m late, so I silently take my bag and coat before he decides to go for round two.

I take one more glance behind me, through paranoia more than anything else. Tommy has retreated back to the sofa with his beer in one hand and TV remote in the other. He’ll stay like that all night now, glued to the TV until he’s bored and notices I haven’t come home. Then he’ll probably harass me with calls and texts, threatening all kinds of shit until I’m too scared not to come home.

By the time I make it to my car, the pain is unbearable and I’m contemplating just giving the evening a miss. I can’t do that to Jess, though. She’s expecting me there. She’s aware I’m not happy, but she doesn’t know the true Tommy like I do. I daren’t tell her because if he found out, I don’t know what he would do, or how far he would go to hurt me. Is it worth bringing someone else into this?

I turn the ignition on and peel away from my apartment building, reminding myself that it hadn’t always been this way.

I’m not making up excuses for the guy, because once upon a time, I did love him. I probably still do in some weird fucked up way, but not as much as I did in the beginning.

At the start, Tommy and I were so consumed by each other that I didn’t care that I hadn’t eaten, or even peed. Tommy would take me out for extravagant meals, weekends away where we would literally stay in bed the entire time. We had all these trips planned, but somehow, just being with each other was all that mattered. Life was unimaginably fantastic. Until it wasn’t.

Now, our weekends are filled with silence, or arguments. Obviously, the arguments are always my fault. I take the blame, and the punishment for it. And then, when things settle down, Tommy apologises. He takes me to our room, we have sex – really disappointing, boring sex – and then he falls asleep.

Two years of passion have turned into five years of hate and uncomfortability. Now, I’m stuck in this with no escape. And as easy as it is to say “just walk away”, the guy will make my life hell if I so much as step outside without his knowledge.

I daren’t voice this to anyone, though. I can’t ever tell people what he is really like. No one would understand. No one would believe me. I feel like I’m in a sick, twisted game. One where Tommy holds all the cards and lays them down one at a time. He knows I won’t tell anyone what he’s really like. He’s told me a million times before that nobody would believe me. Nobody will listen to me and nobody will “save me”.

I don’t need saving, though. I don’t want to be. What I really want is to just escape; disappear.

A sleek red Audi slips past me as I pull into the school car park, pulling up next to the large ivy sheathed building. I admire the shiny colour and flawless look, the loud music that blares through the speakers is a good choice but I don’t get a glimpse of the driver. I don’t even try.

I avert my gaze back to the school building. Amongst the vibrant greenery, a pristine path paves the way to the entrance. Hedges are clipped with such precision that I swear it could take my hand clean off if I ran it over them.

Memories come flooding back as I gaze up at the huge sign that adorns the front steps, ‘REUNION’.

Nothing has changed here. Not one miserable, little, thing.

The shabby brickwork is still in need of rendering. The immaculacy of the entire area is a juxtaposition to how broken this place left me and the entire atmosphere is bleak; just how I remember it.

Every fibre of my being despises this place, yet here I am.

“You coming or what!?” Jessica’s big green eyes beam back at me through my window, her smile wide and glistening in the spring sunshine. God knows how long she’s been standing there while I contemplate the meaning of life but she looks impatient.

I roll my eyes before smiling and carefully slide out of the car. My ribs are still throbbing and it’s still painful to breathe. I can already feel the bruise that isn’t there yet and without sounding dramatic, it’s likely he broke something.

“You look amazing!” I steel my expression and admire the outfit Jess is wearing. Black leather pants and a pair of matching thigh high boots. She’s wearing a red leather jacket that really clashes with her green eyes but she looks stunning.

“I know,” she laughs before tugging me into her arms. I wince at the pain but I don’t let on to Jess. I’m just happy that she’s here.

“How was Milan?”

“Milan was amazing,” she gushes as we take the steps that lead into the main building. Her voice echoes, bouncing off of the old floor tiles that pave the long corridor. “How’s…” she stops herself from finishing her sentence. She knows that talking about Tommy is a sore spot, and if she hasn’t noticed my poor attempts at covering up my streaky makeup, she’s not saying anything.

She reconsiders her words for a moment, “How have you been?”

I contemplate my answer. I think about telling her the truth but then that would only hurt her, and me. She’s been abroad for a month, with little to no communication with me. I wish I could say I envy her but I don’t. The only thing I envy is her freedom.

“I can’t believe you dragged me back here,” I sigh.

She laughs with her lighthearted laugh that is so beautiful and carefree it makes me jealous. It’s been too long since I heard a sound like that come from me. It has been too long since I had someone make me laugh and not accuse me of laughing at them.

I hate myself for how weak I’ve become. I despise the powerless shell of a woman I am. There’s nothing more I want than to fight my way out of this, to not get sucked into an empty, loveless life. But every time I’ve thought about it, he’s there.

Jess flicks her golden hair, deep emerald eyes glisten back at me before she hooks her arm in mine. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

Commotion and chatter fills my ears the closer we get to the auditorium. It seems everyone had the same thought in mind when they came here. It’s everyone’s attempt to impress each other with their success and triumphs. I feel a little out of my depths, but I highly doubt anyone will look twice at me.

This is me supporting Jessica, not that she needs it. But it is also an opportunity for me to escape Tommy, even if it is just for a couple of hours.

We bypass the screaming woman who vaguely looks familiar. Her chestnut brown hair is cut into a bob, with her high cheekbones on display and highlighted so brightly she looks like an alien.

Jess slaps a sticker to my chest before slamming one to her own. After she offers me an encouraging wink, we step inside the theatre and the entire atmosphere literally deafens me.

Chatter fills the air. The buzz of being reacquainted with old school friends pulses around us. We weave through the groups of past alumni and find some seats towards the back of the hall.

“Do you want to go to The Bull after this?” she whispers beside me.

“Sure,” I nod as I fish out my phone from my handbag. It flashes continuously, Tommy’s name lighting up my screen.

I feel the colour drain from my face and I suddenly realise that my breaths are nothing more than short puffs of carbon dioxide. I’m panicking and I have no idea why.

Right now, I’m safe. I’m here, with Jess. But there’s still the lingering fear of what awaits me when I get home tonight. I know that whatever happened before I left is unfinished and I feel sick just thinking about it.

“Excuse me.” The deepest, darkest voice catches my attention. “Are these seats taken?”