Prologue - Kacey
Up until a few weeks ago my life was the epitome of ease and privilege. Everything just fell into place for me, school, college, friends. I’d always had a loving and supportive family. My love life was fine, I was happy. I had my friend Molly, who I’d known since kindergarten.
But then suddenly, one of those things was missing. A big Molly-shaped chunk of my heart was ripped out about a month ago when she died of pneumonia, and I’ve felt lost ever since. Everything is blurry and numb.
Grief is a fucking devilish feeling that creeps up on you, claws inside you real good and drags you into the deepest pit known to man.
It’s only because there is someone who is now depending on me, that I’ve been able to cling to the edge. My family slowly pulled me out too. The pit is still there and I face it every day, but I’m pulling myself together now because I fucking have to – for him.
The judge looks over his rimless glasses that sit low on the bride of his nose and studies me. My lips are pressed into a fine line and I hope my face conveys a somewhat firm and determined expression.
I am determined on the inside, but I just don’t know if it shows. That’s why I’m glad my sister Lauren is here, holding my hand literally and figuratively. She and her colleagues helped me to write the official letter, prove my legal standing and relationship to him.
The judge nods once, then twice before dropping the paper he’s been holding onto the stack in front of him. Then he claps his hands together, props them onto his desk and opens his mouth to speak. I don’t hear the exact words, the only thing my brain filters out is ‘full custody granted’.
Full custody granted.
I’m a parent.
I am Noah’s parent.
Lauren half-groans and half-yelps with relief as both her arms fly around my neck and squeeze tight as the heaviness and meaning of those three words settles in, clearing the blur my life has been just a little. I’m hot, my mouth is dry and blood rushes through my veins. My heart drums a thousand times per minute and my chest feels tight. Am I ready for this?
The judge stands and asks us to wait and once he is out of the room, Lauren begins talking to me but I don’t hear a word she’s saying.
This is what I wanted. There was no other option, no other way. Since the day Molly told me she was pregnant I’ve loved this little boy, and I’ve him like he was my own. And from now on, he legally is. So I will do everything for him, like I promised Molly.
Molly only had her father as family, but he is seriously ill and can’t take care for a one and half year old child. So he waived custody voluntarily even though it was the hardest thing to do for him. The only consolation is that he knows me well, and knows how much I loved Molly and love Noah.
I don’t know how much time passes or when the judge came back. The next thing I know is, I’m signing thousands of pages of documents to make it official while Lauren stays by my side and squeezes my hand encouragingly.
The judge shakes my hand wishing me all the best and all I manage to do is stammer a ‘thanks’ before Lauren gathers up all the documents shoving them into a folder and drags me out of the chambers.
As soon as we are outside a heavy exhale escapes my mouth and a huge weight is lifted off me. My sister swings her arms around me again, congratulating me.
“I am-” I drag my hand through my hair, “fuck, I’m a parent.”
“Yes, you are, Kass.” Lauren squeezes me tighter and someone hugs me from behind. Someone else squeezes my hand and I feel a pat on my back. Before I know it I am in the middle of a group hug. Tears of relief, of realization run down my cheeks, clearing the blur a little as I hug back whoever’s clinging to me.
The only thing on my mind is Noah.
Everyone came to support me and await the outcome of this hearing, my parents, Lauren’s fiancé Eddie, Eddie’s parents, my girlfriend Serena and Molly’s dad.
When I look up, I see my mother wiping beneath her eyes but she softly smiles. Behind her Molly’s dad looks like I felt and still feel sometimes – lost. He has lost so much, his daughter and now his grandson. The expression on his face is half-liberation and half-sadness. The corners of his mouth are twitching but a deep furrow is carved between his brows. Wiggling out of my family’s hug, I step up to the broken man and softly take his cold hand in mine.
“I promise, I will love Noah as my own and you can visit anytime you want. You are still his grandfather.”
“Thank you.”
Serena, Lauren and my parents step into Serena and I’s condo when it’s already late in the evening. We’ve been living here for almost two years but something is different now. I am no longer coming home to Noah the child I take care of while his mother is in the hospital hoping for recovery. No, now I come home to my kid.
My brain will need some time to fully let that fact sink in.
The babysitter tells us Noah is already sleeping in the make-shift nursery that used to be our spare bedroom before leaving.
Slipping into the darkened room, a nightlight is glowing next to the bed, and I can hear Noah’s steady breathing. He is so small, too young to understand what is happening. He misses his mother, he doesn’t understand why she’s not there. My heart, which is already broken, breaks into even smaller pieces out of pity for this little boy who now depends on me. I love him, I always have and always will. But I hate the circumstances that brought us here.
Staring at Noah I watch his eyeballs move slowly underneath his closed lids. His shaggy dark blonde hair sticks out in every possible direction. He looks peaceful.
I stop in the middle of the room, unable to move and overwhelmed by the what happened today as reality and a wave of emotions crash over me. My vision blurs and the lump in my throat, that has been there for an entire month, grows larger and larger until, eventually, tears spill out of my eyes.
“Are you okay?” my sister whispers and steps closer.
“No.”
She tries to smile encouragingly, but even through the darkness I can see the sadness and worry in her eyes. She can see my tears and reaching out, Lauren pulls me into a hug.
“It’ll be okay.”
Serena hates everything, the whole situation and the finality of it. She objected to me taking Noah from the beginning and argued with me. Our relationship hasn’t been easy even before Noah and Molly happened, but she’s been very bitchy lately. Can I blame her? She is as overwhelmed as I am.
I thought she liked kids, but apparently she can’t put up with Noah, or doesn’t want to. One statement of hers really hurt. She doesn’t want to care for a child that isn’t her own.
Since then, I’ve been sleeping on the couch.
“Does this affect the custody arrangement?” I ask, anxiety coating my voice. It has only been a month since I was given custody of Noah, but I cannot imagine my life without him anymore.
“No.” Jacob, my lawyer, shakes his head decisively. “You weren’t married and you alone have been given full custody. Moving doesn’t make a difference.”
I nod and furrow my brows. I’m sure the worry lines on my face make me look much older than I am. A year ago she helped me renovate and open the bar I own, then she and the law firm she works for helped with Noah’s custody, all the while she was planning her wedding which got postponed because of everything going on. And now Noah and I are moving in with her and Eddie. They recently bought a beautiful stone house in Greenwich Village and offered me the apartment on the third floor because I caught Serena cheating on me with one of her colleagues in our bedroom.
Well, I guess my life really went to shits.
She didn’t even try to explain it. She just said she was unhappy.
Hell, I was and still am unhappy because of everything going on. But I hoped for a little more sympathy, instead she shut me out. But what was I supposed to do? Give Noah up? Send him to strangers?
I guess the end to our relationship was inevitable. I am kind of over it already and only worried about what this would mean for Noah. I guess, seeing the ugly side of your partner like this really helps extinguish the flames.
“Come on,” Lauren’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts, “we’re gonna buy you some furniture.”
I groan when it his me. Fuck, I really need everything new.
God, I’m tired already.
