When Life Hurts
October of 2018 was when it first started. The diminishing sense of self worth and love from undergoing chronic health problems to being bullied continuously for a following year and a half, losing the care and support of all the people that I thought would be there for me till the end in the process. I have spoke briefly about this struggle in a previous blog where I basically shared my testimony from the pain that I felt during this time. But I never shared that I was facing crippling depression and anxiety at this vulnerable point in my life because there was still a part of me that thought that it would be perceived as a weakness to others that would ultimately lead others to think that I wasn’t capable of carrying out the purpose that God had started working in me. The truth is though I didn’t think I was capable of carrying out this purpose as I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved by God - I didn’t feel worthy to be in a position to even be his child.
At this point though, the breakthrough from what I went through contemplating the end of my life after feeling the most unloved that I have ever felt from everyone that I knew on a Sunday afternoon in February 2020, shortly after arriving home from church service, to sharing the good news that God had brought in my life to all mainstream media along with the joy and salvation that I had received from being saved in the following month was truly a miracle, it was the start of an amazing chapter in my story. But despite being saved and in the loving hands of God, I still didn’t let go of the past hurts in my life that would still hurt and this was a revelation that I would soon have as I started a new chapter in my life the following September and went into sixth form as a saved servant of God. I made the decision to go into the same sixth form due to the fact that it was the best decision that I could make at that point in time and I began to experience the positives and negatives of that decision within the following months. I was able to be there for people that I haven’t met before who have been struggling through this decision and I was able to be a supportive friend to all those that needed encouragement and its been a great blessing because those friends have had my back through really difficult times and decisions.
But there was also the bad. There was also the people that witnessed my downfall once, waiting to see the same thing happen again by bringing up feelings of the past reinforcing that those feelings along with myself haven’t changed. I remember beginning to isolate myself more and more as this occurred and progressively spread over this year but if there’s one thing that I had done differently this time around after being saved was that I knew who I could hold on to and I held on because I had a reason to live. That reason was for Jesus Christ my saviour and the purpose that he had for me. In faith I clung on because he was with me every step of the way and he always reminded me of that especially on the nights where it was just too much and I wanted to end my suffering then and there. I mean - it’s the reason why I am here serving God because I know that this suffering will not linger forever and I WILL receive the eternal joy, peace and purpose that he has promised us. The bible tells us right here in these verses:
1. God wants you to experience peace
2. God wants you to experience the joy
3. God wants you to experience purpose
Looking back now, I’ve realised that yes I was SET FREE after he brought me from a place of despair to one of love. But I still didn’t know how to LIVE FREE and it the guilt and shame from this very statement that had brought me to a standstill in my purpose here and ultimately my relationship with God. The thought that kept going through my head was “If I know God and have a relationship with him, how could I still be this messed up? How could I be going through these battles after being set free”. It tormented me in ways that is honestly hard to comprehend. I wasn’t sleeping properly most nights from the stress that this his brought upon me which opened up an even bigger wound from a traumatic experience in my childhood....
