Form

There is a drought and I am in search of water. No not real water. The water of humanity of kindness and good wit and understanding.

Not just a shag. But I have thrown myself out to the wolves. My life is now in danger and the self is alone and not cared for like the salad bowl left in the hot kitchen.

I am what is the only fool in this world? My worst place is to have no one and here I am quarreling about a left salad bowl when the bowl is nearly empty and the congealed mess is all that is there. Wet and drippy when the salad is no more but the echoes of its former glory.

He left it there uncared for when I fell asleep. How dramatic childish and despicable he appealed to me he was not a cook. I was.

I am always to look after things I wanted to leave before I broke a nail. He is not my sweetheart there is nothing in his eyes but the sadness that he has had for a number of yearning years.

He had made the mistake he had marrying somebody else and coming home to find a wild cat.

I deny him nothing now every mistake every misunderstanding there is no one to shake him off me and he is not leaving but the thing is what is the thing? Does he love me as much as he said he does?

When I am nearby he does not think he has to do anything at all. As if the whole show of everything depends on me. When he is with his own family he is the one who is doing who is feeling fed and mature.

With me, he is the fed. How surprised I am to think he feels that way. Does he now think I am the lioness to his fed mouth bringing in food and making him happy all the time?

Does he not really care? Does he not understand that I too might need more than the only pet and shag? In happier times we would have taken care of each other.

Now that is nothing no more. He is needy and his needs come first of all. I said to each. Look there is no other.

He is now the full-time wanton and I am not that. I had too many spaced-out times in hand. Life crumbles and I am made and unmade like his bed.

He had been married and did not toe the line. There is no despair anymore there is nothing but acceptance.

The salad bowl said it all he will not lift a finger for me. The things that I have to do. It is all his own work he has spent his time on her. I am treated as something else. He has no cares but for her. He cares for.

Her husband. My best friend is now my enemy and I am hushed.

No more love in his heart he is so sexed up with her he has spent himself. His moonwalk is over his soul searching is done. He sees nothing but her.

What had happened to the one who cared for me all the years back? He is no longer there. In his place is someone damaged who needs me to care for and cater to his needs when I do not he walks out away.

I startle myself into walking out on him then begin reacting. I have walked out? I this little fool walked out?

That way when he is annoying he does not appear to notice. He has not noticed he has only felt his edifice crumble as his whole facade is skeletal without me.

Then I laugh out loud.

He is asking for what?

He does not want to see it. In this damned situation, there is no winning. The hurts. We all stammer in the hurt.

One of us is a reject.

When I hurry out and get home and seem to be locked in instead of escaping.

I am locked in my cell.

The only good thing that comes out of that is that he thinks and I do too. Escaping going nowhere.

That I am joking.

"What did you say honey do you want a cup of something?"

"Too early." I say, " I am looking at the pictures in this book."

She does not know he is saying she does not know the wild passionate night I spent with the woman. He then notes I am looking at a sex book with their pictures on it.

There is another way of escape and then no escaping.

I am so fired up I want to smash the place up. But do not I know shopkeepers will not care for that sort of behavior so I am about to leave?

The bank is across the street and I am broke I say to buy his book.

"I can autograph it for you?" I said desperately a boyish grin on his older face.

I loath him then.

We are here now because I willed it to happen. How did I end up here I wonder? I would have given my soul for it to happen.

But the lady in the picture book was tiresomely involved in acrobatic coupling.

But the thing was it should never have happened. Fuck this is the bitterness of it all. His wife and her family.

I who had a life now emptied and aloof and playing hide and seek. There I am out in the open playing hide and seek.

When the drought makes it harder to be. I am almost in the heat.

Undeniably not attractive, not gross but the sheer volume of me marks me as the odd one out. I am hell-bent on behaving well to others.

Almost in an obediently. I obey all of the commands. Almost comatic. It gets me down sometimes it makes everyone in the family hugely warm towards me. They want to kick me kindly.

But there is he speaking with his arms up and down and I realize I cannot hear him. As he is saying the words that matter to him.

"Never mind." He shouts as I go to the next room to hear the import of what he has been saying.

He is sitting in his masterful chair and his hand is shaken with the rage and sadness of approaching something.

He is sagging somewhat. As if the filling has been out and he is the composite picture of himself. Stuffing in there still no it is out. I smile.

His family no longer wants or cares for him and he is sitting as if the last of his stronghold is that chair.

He does not understand where the family went. Even where he left and then I am almost there watchful. No one loves him now he is just a shag.

I am still there with him. He does not want to understand. He did nothing wrong he did all the social dictates.

After doing them right all the time and doing me wrong what had happened?

I left and there was this gross woman in front of him. It is me.

Pretty pert and all that?

He accepted death from her hand. No not mine. The poison was spreading into his veins.

Now he does not want to accept anything else. She was poisoning his midlife. His life was almost over. His life? Did I care? I had nothing no life did he care?

"Serving woman without pride or thought but to serve."

The new world order.

"Servant."

Those who serve and those who are served. Well, thank you.

When out in the nude open and ashamed that is what it is sin like a disaster has happened.

I am aloof and never going to be housed in a normal healthy manner. He has shamed me too often.

I am sorry. I am so sorry self and I sat down and cried.