Chapter 1
Twice it happened we were eating more, and did it matter when I got it bad? I slept during the day and read at night in semi-light.
He had gone and left me to suss out my life situation and make believe he had done right. He did not think he could not think. He just lost me in something else. He had got into her.
I did not cry at all dry-eyed I sat all day and night on an armchair until the armchair collapsed.
As if a vampire. I thought it made me seem odd. I did not care; I was a teenager.
"How dare you assume."
"I had assumed something. I cannot remember what it had something to do with Freud."
"You read Freud?"
"Basic sin."
The attitude was I was being groomed to stay in bed all day. I thought with sweaty palms there was nothing one did in bed.
Only whores stay in bed all day long. Some whores get up and wash and do stuff, but they stay stranded in bed with some sod making them sweat and telling them they are whores.
My nightmares continued, recurring as if someone was making me mad. The mistake is never to leave the house, and then the thing would leave. I was not going to be anyone, anything. I was never going to make it out of the room.
I got into being a vegetarian. I was almost happy for three months that meat did not pass my lips.
I, who had anemia lost count of the days. They merged into one long book.
I ditched myself and went into something else. I ditched the self and went and distance one long haul one of the things I went through the door and made myself this other self.
I had other faces and other perspectives. I did many things in those rooms.
I dreamt. I dreaded the dreams, but I dreamt and then got into the future and the past. If only the cloak would lift, I could see forever.
I thought as time passed, I realized I was going to go insane. If continuing the same way.
I did not talk to anyone for whole days as if speaking in the company was denied me. I was denied the normal chit-chat. The kitchen, too, was denied me. Mother said you must eat with the family.
"We all love you, don't you know that?" Zeks said.
I thought they meant it for my good. I did not know they molding me. I remodeled myself and spent the best part of three years reading.
"You love me?"
"Yes." She hid her facial expression. She appeared sincere.
No parents would not do such a thing. They appeared to be solid and decent. No, they were not. I did not know what to do. I wanted to scream, but there was no one to hear.
I am never going to work. They said I was not employable. It would never be worth the effort I did not need to work. I had a home. I had a place; I had a home.
We had the same things happening the furnishing was non-exstent adding to the trashy mood of the house.
The disappearance of our house and home was rather quaint. I disliked the very chair I sat on because it was falling apart. Mother said you sit on it too long. She did not say another word.
"Weird, I thought. Mother just doesn't care anymore."
What had happened to us all? We were going down the spiral downhill. We were cascading like in a river. Down into the waterfall and with the boat drifting underneath us. I was never going to feel secure, I thought.
Everyone was busily making ends meet. We were dead poor. Dirt and ditched.
We were no longer welcomed in the world of snobs. We were ousted from the social whirl because someone very powerful had given us the elbow. Two or three of these had done the trick.
"Social manners is the key to success. How mean is it when you are never polite? It is so crass honest. It's like a pig."
"To do nothing with your life is no use."
"Mother."
"But if you must go with your auntie to Australia, she needs a helping hand with her baby."
"I am not."
"Why not?"
"We do not get along."
"Who do you get along with?"
"I am not going to Australia."
"She is very persuasive. She will take you there and find you a purpose."
This new priggish behavior led me to feel that someone was making waves out of nothing.
"When my family finds out what you have done to me, you are dead." Said mother to her husband.
"When they find out I will not care in fact would welcome that. You sorry bitch the hogwash of the whole neighborhood whoever has you can. I wash my hands of you all."
I was interested in that. Did it mean us as well? I did not seek him out to ask as if the whole question was huge. As if knowing would hurt too much. I just did not want to know about anything at all.
The depression had begun to settle as if hell was inside me. That I was letting out smoke and the smoking gun had gone off.
Then the sprint happened the gun had settled into a start and then we were off sprinting away.
We ran our cause and the cost was so huge. Some ran out of the house I chose to stay and fight the demons. I did not have any other choice but did not have anyone to move in with.
James was settled in with Jane and they were so happy together. Their baby boom mattered to them both and they were fine and refined as parents.
They did not look like parents together they looked glam and good and handsome and beautiful. They moved like oiled and making fun of everybody made me envious.
I just thought when she smiled she just made me feel smaller and smaller.
I was knee-deep in the grime. I was nothing while she had the grooming and the class to make me feel like a servant.
I could be crying all night and working the next day, but in their eyes, I had no job prospects. I was feeling that wretched that damned. I fell to creeping like a mouse in and out of something.
My raging self was the only cause for concern for her. Because I might attack her when she visited me alone. She got frightened for the safety of her face and her label.
I was stock still while she tried it on. I went for her yet again and she said she had to do something about my temper. I was isolated I had no one to protect me. Then she called me a whore.
When she said that I went to stoppage and strike out. She said I had gotten violent and was going to do harm. She put me on special alert.
She is going to harm us all. She did not know me she did not want to appear to know anyone. I was never going to go for it. The sexual ploys. I was never going for that sort of life with a woman. I was not going for it.
"Barbies have to sin in order to be barbies."
"I can make you a professional authority someone."
"Where is the catch?"
"Just sleep with me."
"No."
"You know you want to."
"I seem to want a lot of things and do not get them one more thing is less to want."
"So unreasonable."
"I am."
The matter was not dropped it continued until we see them every time I close and open my door. There seem to be people behaving somewhat like the barbies. I can be wrong.
"When women make up their minds."
"It is hard for them to admit themselves wrong."
"I did not do anything wrong she came robbed me of my man and left with him."
