Trauma
Lost control too fast to notice, too long to let it slip. Hate or love, worship or clinginess, reverence or fear. Difficult to understand me or myself, suddenly an alarm rings too loud to think straight, can’t explain why just know I gotta run. Escape from that feelingr sui, a thing I thought it would never be possible or even an option. Consequences? Don’t take them into account, just know I gotta run. Run from that hell, run from the thing that’s sucking the life out of me, even if it kills me inside, at least part of me, because I know I’ll be able to save the remainings of what had already been broken a long time ago, and maybe rebuilt them. Not like they were before but maybe stronger in a different way.
Learned too soon, matured too young. Felt like nobody could understand me, and everyone dismissed the anger, the sadness, the frustration. It’s just a phase they said. Fortunately I could make it a phase and not a whole life of misery and loneliness, a nightmare that never ends.
Will the feeling, the emptiness, the irritation ever disappear? Or will it just shrink with time but be always there reminding me of what I was, of what I couldn’t do, of the pain, of the innocence, of all my weaknesses.
People say I should ask for help, but I think I can manage myself, too embarrassed to show my insides, the darkness that I kept hidden, the darkness that grew due to others selfishness’.
Manipulation, a fun and dangerous thing. Someone in power can manipulate easily, if you let them. I did, unwillingly of course, but still did. Her hands controlled me like I was some puppet with no rights, no dreams. All she cared about was hers, how she couldn’t have it her way, reflecting her wishes on me. I feel her suffocating me, swaying me without I even realising it.
Trauma, another threatening thing, if you don’t heal or don’t overcome it, you’ll have an eternity of suffering for you and everyone you get your hands on. Doesn’t get better, just spreads until it finds its next host and has the audacity to leave its trail.
Can't talk, can't think, I'm hers but she's not mine. Where's myself? I guess it got lost on the way. Can I get it back? No. Not the me that I was before, just the memory of what I was. And let's be honest, the memory is never as good as the real thing. What are my options now? Just be the memory of what I used to be, a copy? Maybe try to be a new me, more broken than before, however with time, stronger, I hope. The new me feels strange, like a new skin, a new mask. I'm skeptical of everything and everyone. That's good I'll be prepared for any challenge that comes my way. However now I can't relax or be happy, I'm always scared to repeat my mistakes. I trust no one. When I do, I push them away quickly.
Most people say that trauma is good for you, it makes you stronger, and more mature. Prepared for the challenges of life. Do I agree with them? I wish i did, I'm still waiting for the stronger part.
