Tatters

I'm shattered........

My name is Ember I am 30 with nothing to live for. The love of my life has just passed away from a rare form of cancer and I literally have nothing to live for, no job, no family, no kids but lots and lots of bills.

I sit here in a funeral home being shown all different caskets not that I can afford any of them and the fuckers are trying to upsell to a grieving penniless widow. I stare blankly at them and opt for the cremation I ask for the their payment plan. Well I guess I will be looking for a job now. After Signing all the paperwork I walk out to the most beautiful day though my mood is miserable.

I head back home once inside I sit on the couch just staring at the wall not crying not feeling just staring, there is no noise, this isn't normal we usually have music or the TV playing there is no desire for anything it all went with him. I have no Idea how long I have sat here like a statue looking at the clock I sigh it's after midnight so I go to bed the whole time thinking of my lover.

How did it happen so fast I'm getting dressed to say my final farwell to my husband my lover my sunshine even though his name is Rayne.

My Rayne my everything he was 35, I think of his beautiful honey eyes the smile that has lighted up my everyday since the day we met. His sandy brown hair that looked like a hairdresser had highlighted it but completely sun kissed. His full lips that would kiss me into oblivion, his strong arms that held me close always. Now I'm looking at a casket he is in no more hugs or kisses no more laying on the lounge on a Sunday no more walks on the beach. Just no more.

Time normally moves so fast but today it is stretching out so much everything is in slow motion. The Pastor they have there says a few prayers before they move the casket out to be cremated. The funeral director asked me to join him outside for a small ceremony they wanted to honour Rayne. There is a basket on a table outside the director moves to it and opens the lid releasing two beautiful black birds that fly high into to blue skies above as if going to heaven. I'm in awe of how high they fly I want to be them I may find Rayne waiting for me.

The same funeral director comes over to me handing me the a Black Urn with Raynes name engraved in script writing. They had asked me what I wanted as far as urns go it was nice I just asked if they had blacker because Rayne would have blacker was always better in his eyes. The few people that came to show their respects took me out after for lunch, sitting here listening to them talk of better times of all the fun we all had. Fun a word I can't even fathom right now.

I listen but I can't even laugh at the antics Rayne used to get up to, I can't even find the joy in what was before all I feel is pain and dispear. Before I know it there is more food in front of me I can't even eat, The resturant doesn't seem busy and they haven't said anything to us for being there for so long and loud, although my care factor is zero anyway.

I end up drinking a lot and that is saying something I have never been a big drinker but I'm not driving and it seems that my glass has an automatic refill attached. I keep going I want to forget the pain I'm in to forget that my heart has been shattered into a million pieces and none seem to fit together and to beat normal again.

I can vaguely hear my name being called "Ember, Ember." I look over to my closest friend Lynne "where are you Em?" she asks me looking at me with concern. I don't answer but sigh looking at her. "Em where are you?" she asks again. "You're so quite."

"Lynne I just had my husband cremated all I want to do is lay down and never get up. If it wasn't for a promise he made me make to him I wouldn't be here today so just let me be." I am so pissed at her for making me talk to answer even though she is worried about me and I get it but I don't want any of her concern or anyone else for that matter.

Lynne looks at me with a look of confusion " What promise Em?"

"I promised Rayne that I wouldn't do anything stupid that I would try and live a happy life." I'm nearly shouting and crying "Sure real happy life he was my life."

"Come on Em lets go for a smoke and talk outside." She steers me to the door and I look at the main street and all I want to do is run out into the street and hopefully get hit by a truck well anything really just so I don't have to live without him.

Lynne lights a cigarette hands over to me then lights one for herself, we are quite for a beat I have calmed down enough now I look at her "Rayne made me promise him to live a long and happy life."

"Ember you know he is right you are still young and he knew it, he even made me make him a promise too." she says the last part lower almost like she didn't want me to hear her but my ears did hear her.

"What?" I ask surprised he never told me anything and she didn't mention anything.

Lynn took a deep drag of the smoke sighed "That I'm not to leave you wallow in your despair he knew you would shut down, I am also meant to give you something everyday for a week which starts tomorrow by the way."

She WHAT I am lost why would he give her something to give to me and how did I not know I was always with him. "What are you going to give?" I ask but I can already see in her eyes that she isn't going to tell me.

"I can't say Em but I will be at your place tomorrow morning and you will see then. He loved you so much before the two of you I never knew a love like that exsisted."

She is right we loved hard right from the start we became ying and yang we would move together almost knowing exactly how the other would move even to the annoying finishing each others sentences the whole fucking cliche.

"I can't breath Lynne he is my breath" I correct myself "WAS my breath and he took it with him I just want him back so that he can hold me so that I can sleep." I hiccup a cry and she takes me into a hug and I finally break really break, I cry and sob until I am a complete mess and so is Lynne's top.

"God I'm so sorry Lynne." I say grabbing napkins off the table and try to clean off my snot, the bitch starts laughing.

"Don't worry Em I'm just glad I am here for you when you need me. Got to be honest with you I didn't think you would open up, Rayne said that you would eventually and that I had to give you the time to."

"So what are you going to give me?" I'm not going to let this go until she tells me I am that dog with a bone.

"Yeah NO! you will have to wait til tomorrow I will be over in the morning."

"Fine." I say being all pissy we are quite for when I hear a song comes on over the P.A. system full of memories. "Simply Red Holding back the years"

The tears started all over again Lynne flung her arms around me again and held me tightly as I broke apart again.

"Why him lynne why did it have to be him?"

"God Em do you want me to take you home?"

I just nod I have truly had enough of being in this state, Lynne and I grab our stuff say goodbye to everyone, the drive back is quite Lynne made sure that there was no music playing I guess she didn't want me blubbering all over her car. As she turns into my driveway she asks "Do you want me to come in?"

"NoI just want to have a shower and go to sleep, but Lynne thanks for everything you have done for me today." I kiss her check and walk to my door turn and wave before letting myself into my empty house.

I place all my things on the kitchen counter and lose it again looking at the Urn, it takes me another 10 mins before I drag myself to the bedroom and decide to have a bath put some music on lay back and think of better times and there were so many with Rayne.

I stay in the water until it is cold and I am a prune, once I am dried and have Raynes oversized T-shirt on I take a couple of sleeping tablets with a couple of huge glasses of Scotch get into bed and I am dreaming