Bored Of The Beans

For a time in the land of The River And The Sun, there was a sense of peace and prosciutto. However, everything changed in the 17th month of the year (Rar), when the king was tragically killed by accident. In such a situation, nobody knew what to do as nobody expected the king to die that day. Even in all the confusion, it was obvious that someone would have to ascend to the throne.

The king was quite average in appearance, and yet special. His medium length brown hair was typically washed and put up in a ponytail each day; it is said that it smelled better than a field of flowers. The king had a bushy mustache and beard, but they could do nothing to rival the golden crown perched on his head (the crown had a green sun emblem in the center and was adorned with emeralds). Everyone knew the king enjoyed treats and could never pass up a few desserts throughout the day.

Anyhow, I will explain how the king could possibly have been accidentally murdered, though even with an explanation, it makes no sense. It was sun high of the eighth day of Rar and the grips of The Cold Wet were close to loosening. The king of the land was seated upon his throne as per usual. The king had many servants and many guards to watch and protect him, but, clearly, it was all a waste.

He sat there on his throne, feeling quite bored even with all of his servants, entertainers, and the many royal feasts. Among his servants, there was the one who ended up murdering him. This servant was a Forest Dwarf, from the forest on the northern border of the Shapeshifter territory. If I recall correctly, this Dwarf servant was in charge of washing the king’s feet. Now, I’m sure you are wondering how the washing of feet could lead to a murder…or perhaps you already have an idea of how it could happen. In any case, the tragedy happened sort of like this:

“Good morning, Your Heart! I have arrived as I said I would!” the little Dwarf servant exclaimed, using the king’s favorite form of address “Your Heart”.

“I see you are late again. You told me you would be here an hour ago,” the king responded softly, but firmly, then he said, rather dismissively, “It matters not. Come to me and scrub my hair.”

“N-no, Your Heart, I’m the foot servant… T-the hair stylist has yet to be seen,” the Dwarf servant said, trembling anxiously.

“Eh? Well, where might be the hair servant?” the king inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“I haven’t a clue,” the Dwarf servant stated.

The king always insisted on getting his hair done while he was seated in his throne, so, as you can imagine, the throne was kind of moldy. Despite the stinky splotchy appearance of the throne, the king seemed not to care or even notice there was a problem. The hair servant may have been absent, but the foot servant knew he needed to do his own job. As the foot servant washed the king’s feet, the musicians played their stupid overly aggressive music as though an epic battle was occurring right in the throne room.

“I wonder if, perhaps, you require anything else, Your Heart,” the foot servant asked as he thoroughly soaked the king’s feet with soapy water.

“I am still alive, so you must be doing something right,” the king commented with a chuckle. "I do not know what else I could need.”

“YOUR HEART! THE PEOPLE DEMAND TO SPEAK TO YOU!” a panicked Mage exclaimed, standing at the door to the throne room.

“WHAT?!” the king exclaimed, standing up abruptly.

“NO, YOUR HEART, DON’T GO!” the foot servant wailed, trying to hold onto his king’s feet.

The king paid no mind to his clingy servant and arose abruptly on his soaking wet feet. The Dwarf tried as hard as he could to get the king to return to his seat, but he was shaken off effortlessly. The king was in a hurry to reach the door so he attempted to run, but he couldn’t keep his balance. If it hadn’t been for the foot servant, the king wouldn’t have had such wet feet and, as a result, would not have slipped. There was a look of panic in his eyes as he tried to stop himself from falling, but he lost all control and fell, scepter still in hand.

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” the foot servant wailed.

When the king fell, he fell forward onto his scepter and died almost instantly as he was impaled. Even though the king had just died, the sun seemed not to care as it began to shine brighter in a cheerful manner. Again, if the foot servant hadn’t soaked both of the king’s feet, he wouldn’t have slipped and died. The music ceased as the entertainers and servants rushed to their king’s side. Nothing could be done; His Heart was dead.

As there are 221 days in a year, it was known to everyone that the king was merely around 8,840 days old. In all the days that he had lived, the king kept his vow to remain a virgin. The women of the kingdom would constantly pressure him to marry one of them, so much so that he once had to go on a temporary leave to avoid them. As is the case, the king had been very unproductive in the field of continuing the royal blood line. It is also a known fact to us that the majority of the royal lineage had been slaughtered in the very war that had led to that king taking the throne in the first place.

With all the immediate heirs to the throne being long gone, the question likely lingers in your mind…who is the next person in line for the throne? Everyone had that exact question and the answer was not so clear. Someone would be taking the throne. That person was out there somewhere and needed to be retrieved. That was, of course, how our whacky story began.