Susan McDonough-Wachtman

Previous

I get the impression you don't quite know what kind of story you're writing. The beginning kind of reminded me of Rash by Pete Hautman -- a society so protected that people are crazy from it. The sort of light ironic tone makes me think it's going to be a short story with a twist ending. I wasn't sure if the adventurers were in a virtual reality or not, but they didn't take their situation seriously, so I didn't either.
Then we move into the past, and it gets more serious. Our hero (btw, at the beginning I thought our hero was a woman and she and McNulty were lesbians) develops compassion and a sense of justice, and he seems to learn a lot about himself. He sees his former self as a spoiled adolescent. The story is much more serious with the deportation of the children and his empathy for them.
Then he gets deported and Juliette shows up and he flips back to being the spoiled kid he was before.
I really wanted it to be a light ironic story OR a story where the protagonist seriously learned something and became a better person. I don't really have any feeling for how long it's supposed to be. Is this a first chapter or an almost complete short story?
Overall, the writing is excellent, barring some grammar problems, The concept of the perfect society and the time travel is intriguing. I'd like to see more!