You were excellent at provoking anticipation. The pace of the story was tantalizing but steady. I wanted to rush at times to get to the "juicy" parts. I didn't want the story to end. The use of dialogue to create your characters was amazing. Steven King says: "The story must be the boss." (Steven King On Writing - get a copy if you don't already have one.) Your story was the boss. Your tenses at times (was instead of were) but language can be improved. (Get a copy of "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White.) Some spelling but minimal (that's why we have editors). You didn't over elaborate on descriptions leaving it up to the reader's imagination - great stuff. You created an expectation at the end of each chapter that was addictive, forcing the reader to read the next chapter. If this is your first creative work then I think you're going to have a budding future as a writer. Well done!
Read the story now