trippgalaxy

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Review Swap

Here is my review for the swap!

I loved the summary and it made me excited to read this, it gives off Pearl Harbor vibes and that’s one of my favorite movies!

Just a quick tidbit when someone else is talking I would start another paragraph instead of continuing, it’s just confusing as a reader.

For example,

“Dante Camila Riviera!” I arrived just a few steps before anyone would be able to see me…

It would flow easier as

“Dante Camila Riviera!”

I arrived just a few steps…

This introduction chapter brings up a lot of questions about their past together and makes me intrigued to learn more.

One of the things I always say to my writer’s when I do reviews is to really focus on showing rather than telling. You say her cheeks were blushing, show us, really describe it to bring the reader into her head and make it feel as if we’re experiencing it to better relate to the character.
For example, “Her face grew hot as a blush reddened her cheeks, the sensation prickling against her skin. These thoughts were making her skin shiver and her face flush.”

In chapter 3, I noticed you switch from past to present tense.

Overall, it was a very interesting concept and has potential to be a great story! Keep writing.

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Review

Hello! Here is my review for the swap. I can be blunt sometimes so please take everything with a grain of salt.
In the first sentence, “I opened my eyes the first thing I saw pair of chocolate brown eyes.” You’re just missing a “was” after pair.

Some grammar bits: I notice you switch between present and past tense, there are a few missing commas.

Try to focus on showing; rather than telling. For example, instead of saying she felt dizzy, show the reader what that would look like. “The room started spinning, a slight ringing in my ear distracted me from my thoughts. I swayed back and forth in bed, hoping my head would clear and this feeling would pass.”

Other than that, an interesting concept! Keep writing!

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