vaelia

Cool!

Hi, saw your story from the Creative Writing Class group. Cool idea you have here I just think you should work on your pacing and hook. Your first sentence is pretty decent as a hook but I think you can work on it! Try something more attention-grabbing like a bold statement or something very jarring that’ll hook the reader on. A tip is to write a couple of opening lines and pick which one you think strikes you best. Also for pacing and structure overall perhaps instead of narrating the story yourself you can do a prologue. And if I were you I would shave off the “but that’s a story for another time”. Try to start and end your story with a bang (see: how to improve opening sentence).

Good luck for your story! And it’d be really great if you could check out my new story HIRAETH too! It’s sort of a murder mystery. Thanks xoxo

Review

Hey there your story is SO cool!!! Some parts of your writing is a little awkward, like it feels forced (e.g. the first para of your chapter 2) but those are really just minor problems! You can afford to edit your story even more so that it’s even better and really it’s up to you how you want to experiment with your words and structure! But this story has so much potential right now and I think you can make it work! Hope you found this useful and if you want, feel free to clarify anything! Also if you could check out my new story Hiraeth and give me some feedback that’d be really great too! Thanks!!

Review

Hi love your story!! The plot is actually great (but of course it can still be improved) so keep going on! Saw your comment on the chat and don’t give up!! I sometimes really want to give up too but sometimes stories just fix themselves up. A tip would be to leave your story for a while and then come back to fix it!! Just a few problems with your story: 1) the grammar punctuation etc but that’s honestly not a big deal!! 2) is there’s this part in your prologue where you say “i am...” try not to do it because it feels forced (like an info dump)! That’s all good luck on your novel!!

And if you could please check out my novel Hiraeth too? Thanks!!!xoxo

Review

Heya your story is really cool but I’m not too familiar in the genre that you’re writing in so I’ll just focus more about the technical aspects of the story and focus on Chapter 1. There are some grammatical errors throughout so you might want to fix that up but it’s pretty minor so you’ll be fine. Also I like your vivid descriptions throughout, but don’t overdo. I think i’d prefer if you broke down your description. E.g. when we first meet Xavier perhaps you want to give us his most striking feature or,, if applicable the feature that might be important later on in the story. There should be a little room for the reader to imagine how he looks like so there’s no need to tell me everything about him, but definitely give me some details over the next course of the paragraphs. You might want to search up how to describe someone’s appearance, Google has a ton of super useful stuff. Also, you can afford to end your story with a bigger bang. Give your story more suspense, because in Chapter One it’s still not as exciting as it could be.

That being said your story has potential so good luck!! Xx