Will Nuessle

Will holds a third-degree brown belt in ninjitsu, rides a Harley, primary caregives three small boys and claims he can recite the alphabet backwards in less than ten seconds. He writes too.

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Struggled

Was surprised by the consistent typos in a contest entry, to be honest; felt like the author had not done due diligence before entering.
The first page was almost 100% tell, with very little shown. I wasn't sure why it was important to the plot to see the MC brushing her teeth, getting dressed, etc. I wanted to like Sasha, but page after page and then chapter after chapter slipped by with basically nothing at stake. Little to no conflict.
Even the 'first day at a brand-new school' experience which is instantly relatable just seemed...normal. Nothing was happening, and nothing kept happening.
I kept waiting for the real story to start and by the one-third mark it still hadn't.
There are sparks of true creativity and artistry, but it felt to me like the author was hesitant to put her main character into any real danger, at least in the first half. Then the ending took that same MC and, unexpectedly, slammed her (nearly literally) against a brick wall.
Found this to be very uneven

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Hit First Time

Let's get this out of the way up front; sometimes there's no space between sentences.
Couldn't fault the book for anything else. Strong writing, believable dialogue, intriguing characters.
Almost perfection!

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Seven is more like a Nine

Out of 100 this book rated 88 with me; I come down hard on grammar/punctuation and except for occasional double-spacing between paragraphs found little pulling me out of the story. Well done!
The slow ramp-up to excitement is perfectly acceptable, but the character *must* grab me out of the gate if there's no strong plot pulling at me; I wasn't a big fan of the MC at first which might be fully intentional but didn't help draw me in.
But the 'I'm not interested in Juniper' beats were good, and by chapter three things were really heating up.
So, one challenge to the author - is there a way to get to that heat more quickly?
Please keep writing!

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Very Passionate

The author loves the characters they've created; this is very clear. I wanted to love them too, but for my reading taste it felt like I was being held at arm's length, as though the author was afraid to draw me into the story. So much of the first chapter was Told to me, rather than Shown. Things that I want to learn about through character interaction, through dialogue, were just doled out in 'infodump'-type sentences.
On a technical level, while it's a valid choice for the author to make, all of the dialogue being in bold type was a distraction, that pushed me further out of the story rather than drawing me in.
There's only one rule: it has to work.
This writer has skill and a definite future but this story didn't work super well for me.

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Some Assembly Required

The author's passion is unquestionable. They care about their characters and their story.
But there were some issues that kept pushing me out of the narrative, until I fell out of the story entirely.
Setting aside some grammar/punctuation issues and some occasional changes in tense ('he wasn't wearing a coat though it's an AC room') I would love to see the author kick off with Chapter One and not the Prologue, throwing the reader right into peril along with the Main Character.
And I would love to feel more on-scene with the Characters, being shown what is happening to them rather than told.
Please keep writing - the potential is there!

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A Great Start

The writing style is crisp and clear, and the grammar/punctuation pretty good. Given the slow burn (how the MC wakes up not knowing anything, and slowly learns how the world is working) since the plot isn't slam-bang from the beginning I need to really care about the character, and while the conflict is immediately apparent and believable, there's enough Telling instead of Showing that I didn't feel all that drawn in to the story. I'm aware of the MC's struggles but not that invested.
Nonetheless it is a strong story so far. Kudos!

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I've Seen Worse

The author's passion and desire is unquestionable; but as a reader I want to be drawn into a story, and the near-constant grammatical and punctuation issues were like constant light smacks to the face. Eventually I just couldn't continue.
Which is unfortunate; there is a good story here, begging for the necessary attention to detail.
Please keep writing!

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Undeniable Passion

This writer likes his action scenes, and I wanted to jump in with the characters - there were enough grammatical issues that I kept getting pulled out. But the heart behind the story showed through clearly; hopefully this admittedly new writer will keep at his craft!

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An Excellent Start

The author admittedly is a new writer, and normally I would not leave a review but they requested such--the work shows promise! I was intrigued by the very story concept as it's not something that's been done much before (near as I can tell) and the action was definitely on the page.
There were some writing issues (much less than many new writers, so kudos for that) which kept pulling me out of the narrative, and the 'Next Chapter' moments coming every couple hundred words or so felt a bit odd, but that might be the middle-aged guy talking.
Please keep writing!

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Raked Over the Coals

This is the second story I've experienced by this author, and once again I am struck by the raw material she's working with. There are (also once again) technical flaws that kept pushing me out of the narrative, which is frustrating because her voice is very rich. It's bugging me that once again I can't put my finger on what's there but there's a *something* that is not present in 99% of the new-writer stories I see.
It's not that the story idea is super original--nothing is, anymore, so no strike against the author there--but the descriptions, maybe, or the dialogue, there's *something* here, some spark of magic.
The author doesn't know how to write well yet, which is also no strike against her; nobody does when they start.
It's like hearing somebody's first album, before they got a really good producer; the music is there, it's just buried beneath some unfortunate technical mistakes.
But those can be fixed and if/when they do--watch out.
Watch this writer.
She's going places

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Raised Eyebrow

The writing is challenging. Technically the story is hard to get into.
But.
There are so many retreads out there, so many clones, so many writers trying to do a version of *Twilight* or *Hunger Games* - and this isn't that. It's not *Gone Girl* or *Mean Girls* or...I don't know what it is, but I do know that the writer is willing to open her heart and dump the contents onto the page.
It's raw, it's real, it's not yet well-written but the writing chops will come in time, and if when they do the writer still has the courage to be this honest, this vulnerable, she will be miles ahead of her competition.
I can't put my finger on it exactly (which bugs me no end) but there's...*something* very significant here.
Please keep writing

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Sweet and Simple

A lovely story; some grammatical issues but the writer unquestionably loves the characters. 8-)

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A Fine Start

There's no question this writer is passionate about their craft, and love their characters.
It was a struggle for me, though, to find that love myself.
There's no rule against kicking off a story with the MC waking up...but there's a reason why agents are reputed to throw submissions into the trash when seeing this. It's been done absolutely to death.
The second paragraph contained kind of an 'infodump' - rather than ushering me into the story, the author sat me down to tell me a bunch of things I needed to know, kind of like making me read a videogame manual when I just want to start playing.
Some tense change problems, often mid-sentence, something like 'he jumps up and ran down the stairs'
There were also missing words, occasionally - in Chapter Two: 'always wakes up 45 minutes school starts' is one example.
I would love to encourage the author--rather than flat-out telling us who has the current POV, why not write in such a way that we readers *know*? It would provide a much richer experience.
Best of luck!

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Strong and Steady

The writer's voice is fun and fresh, and the story despite being another drop in a very overflowing bucket, stood out as a unique offering. Kudos!

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Extremely Intriguing and Kinda Bold Too

I hesitate to review works in progress, but the writer asked...
And I find the story quite interesting. It's a bold choice, in my opinion, to not name the main character at first. It gives the reader that much more opportunity to be in the MC's shoes--especially as the author does a pretty good job inviting the reader into the world. I didn't feel Told nearly as much as Shown; the dribbles of information opening up the world to me were well-spaced.
My favorite genre is 'well-written'; this definitely qualifies!
Please keep writing!

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Raw and Vulnerable

The author opens up their chest and invites the reader to take their fill--inspiring!

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Light Fantasy

The author is a delightful person and her talent/ability unmistakable. This story is clearly presented if perhaps a touch simple.
It's certainly not the author's fault that I left off Anne McCaffrey's 'Dragonsinger' to enjoy 'The Miserable Prince'; most fantasy tales would suffer by comparison! But the two stories have their similarities; in each case a lighter, less earth-shaking plot than the standard Tolkein or Lawhead or Rowling fare, both relying on character strength perhaps than gripping narrative.
If 'The Miserable Prince' stumbles slightly, in my opinion it is because the author does not give me enough time on any one character's shoulder. The POV changes were rarely confusing, but while in 'Dragonsinger' McCaffrey lets Menolly carry the entire tale, and one is invited to experience her pain and grow to love her, the ball was passed between so many in 'Miserable Prince' that it was all I could do to keep up; and, again, no Tolkein-esque narrative to pull me along.
But though it could be stronger, it is a lovely story just the same

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Slooooow Start

Unlike Chere I did find a few errors but this is one of the cleanest manuscripts I've had the pleasure to read! I did struggle, though, to engage with the character; there was so much averyage everyday description that seemed to have nothing to do with moving the plot forward

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Work In Progress

I hesitate to review stories that are obviously incomplete, but the author asked for reviews...
There is a lot of potential here; I like a good, fast-moving adventure and the author is definitely aiming for one. There were enough grammatical problems, though, that I just couldn't get deeply into the story. I assume this is an early draft and such will be addressed, however.
Can't wait to see this when it's finished, edited and tightened! Go Jake!

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A Good Start

No denying this author's passion, or his desire to tell a good story!
The format was an interesting choice; no reason not to have the first few chapters be a story synopsis and a list of characters, but...I want to get to the actual story as soon as possible. I want the author to reveal the characters to me in-story, not show me their high-school yearbook. 8-)
Once into the writing itself, there were some grammar/punctuation problems that kept me from being drawn in very far. I also know from personal experience how hard it is to write dialogue that sounds realistic; this author is definitely shooting for that but I don't think they've quite nailed it.
Nonetheless, I do hope they keep writing!

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Much to See

The writer's voice was clear and strong; there were steady grammar/punctuation issues and yet not so overwhelming that they drew me out of the story.
Full-frontal on a fifteen year-old character certainly did; this is a very bold and arguably story breaking choice, especially on the first page!
There's also, of course, the immediate Harry Potter thought upon reading the summary; obviously the author is writing an original story but one wonders if it is original enough to keep readers' attention...

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Wow!

One of the most challenging things for a new writer is finding their individual voice. I have no idea how long this author has been in the game, but her voice was EXTREMELY unique and captivating. Please continue writing! Brava!

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A Lovely Start

I'm hoping the author will find this review encouraging, as their passion for the craft and love for their characters is very evident! No question that they worked very hard on making this story a reality.
There were, unfortunately, a number of grammatical/formatting issues that made it a constant challenge to really get into the story.
I think there's some real potential here, and I hope this writer keeps at it!

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Intriguing!

There's no doubt the author loves her subject, and the characters. Her passion is very evident.
The story itself, at least through Chapter 6, felt a little flimsy. It might be just a personal taste thing on my part, but I didn't find a whole lot of conflict, nor did the main character have a clear, strong goal besides 'the man in her life' which is a perfectly fine goal, but might not sustain a reader through a long story.
A few typo/grammar issues marred the reading experience as well...but the writing shows great promise!

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Have to Deviate

I used to do stand-up comedy and after one set, a veteran comic complimented my jokes and then said something I've often remembered: 'You don't have to show the audience how smart you are.'
I remembered that moment often as I read Deviant.
The blurb itself gave me pause - many of the words used stood out for their usage; rather than blending seamlessly into a song that drew me into the story, many word 'notes' struck loudly and discordantly, calling attention to themselves. The tense changed from past to present back to past as well, which was worrying.
The Prologue continued the trend of Big Words, seemingly chosen for how good they'd look on the page, rather than their ability to harmonize with the overall song. The loquaciousness did not disguise the large amount of infodump - I want to be drawn into a story, and instead felt as if I was being pushed back with both hands. Even before the author broke the fourth wall to flat out tell me how great their story was, and then scolded me for questioning a turn of phrase I hadn't had a problem with until they mentioned it.
Much like in the blurb, the tense changes from past to present and back again throughout the manuscript.
There are truly moments of genius in the work - I strongly encourage the author to read the MS out loud; to hopefully see where word choices are serving themselves rather than the story. Any of those have to go! 8-)

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Bits and Pieces

I definitely wanted to be drawn in by the story, but unfortunately failed to be.
The opening page was confusing; I felt there were more words than necessary and much was being told with very little shown save for incredibly intense emotions. The phrase 'fog of war' came to mind; I could tell something extremely important was happening to the main characters, but I couldn't see it.
I never really did connect with the characters either, which was troublesome as the plot seemed to revolve around 'will these two get together' and little else.
I was hoping for high stakes, especially with a character suffering from amnesia, which I find to be an intriguing and clever development.
But it never developed; it didn't seem like the people around her were trying to help her remember, they were just...there.
If I'm correct in my assumption that English is not the author's first language, I wish to offer my sincere and heartfelt respect! I cannot imagine writing such a delicate and complicated piece of art as a novel in a secondary language.
That said - on every page there were little turns of phrase that were just not quite right. Not the way that English works. Which didn't help when the overall story was already holding me at arm's length.
The writer shows great promise and I hope she will keep at her craft!

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Flashes of Brilliance

Swept into reading with no knowledge of the author or her book; was immediately obvious the writer works at a professional level. Was not at all surprised to find the book available on Amazon.
There were a few technical problems, though, enough to lose a star. The biggest issue for me was that more words were used than necessary (a problem I'm painfully familiar with!). Would guess the book could be 10-15K lighter and, in process, more gripping. There were also some plot points I found hard to swallow.
Also want to encourage the author in reference to Character Agency; Miranda was relatable, no question, but for too much of what I read was leaning more towards the Snow White side of things (the story sweeping her along) than the Katniss Everdeen side (making things happen.)
Nonetheless - this was one of the best Inkitt experiences I have had to date

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Rough but Beautiful

There is no question the author deeply cares about their characters, and the story to be told. It is rare to see so much heart in a story.
Would have loved to see more and be told less, struggled to be completely drawn into the narrative.
But this author is going places.
Please keep writing!

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Short and Sweet

The author's poems are obviously heartfelt and inspired. If you're looking for a very quick and inspiring read, this is it!
Not certain there's enough meat in the text to warrant calling such a 'book' but that's in the eye of the beholder 8-)

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Extremely Rough

Very difficult even to get into; the spelling of the main character's name changed from Michael to Micheal, the tense changed from past to present...this has too many errors to be a good read. Sorry

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Weighed in the Balance; Found Wanting

The author is definitely passionate about their characters. But the writing, so far, didn't measure up in my opinion.
Other readers may disagree but a First Chapter list of characters...I don't care to read. Get me into the story as soon as possible! Introduce me to those same characters, draw me into them, save the Glossary for the end if at all.
There were grammar and punctuation problems that pushed at me, keeping me from being drawn in; one of the most serious being the tense changes from second to first person and back. ('He knew death was inevitable', 'it would be days of agony watching your body')
Considering Chapter Two as the book's actual beginning, there was lots of telling and not much showing. I want to feel on-scene, experiencing the story with the characters; in this case it was more like I was across a coffeeshop table from the author, as they told me what happened in their story.
Switching between first and third person from one chapter to the next was also unfortunately jarring.
HOWEVER; the author has created a rich world; it's a place I want to be.
Well, it's a place I want to want to be, if that makes sense.
Please keep writing!

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A strong foundation

The author definitely cares about their subject and characters; there were however enough grammar and punctuation issues that I really struggled to get into the story.
Please keep writing!

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Passionate if Uneven

The author's passion for the subject is undeniable; my hope was to be drawn in by the story.
I somewhat was. Admittedly it's hard to draw me in, and the author made a good go of it; the repeated phrases from blurb to first chapter pushed me away a little, and some noticeable (if minor!) grammatical errors didn't help.
Mostly, though, I want to See this world, to feel and hear and taste what the author does with Rowling's characters, and so much was Told to me that I felt kept at arm's length.
Please, push the conflict (there should be some in every scene, ideally every paragraph!) and please, also, Show me more.
Draw me into the world...

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So Much Potential

This author can write well, no mistake about that - what was mildly frustrating about the read was how much more I wanted from the story.
Like many stories, the first chapter involves a solitary Main Character; why do so few give their MCs someone to *talk* to, so that the world can be revealed to us rather than dumped in our laps? Draw me into the story! There was a lovely Douglas Adams vibe that kept me involved, the writing is humorous which is hard to pull off, but I want to be *drawn in*, please!
Lots of telling instead of showing, at least one fairly jarring POV change mid-paragraph...
And most frustrating of all, the writer gets me to care about the characters and I wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
for something to happen!
What do the main characters want? What is it they're striving for?
Some stories are just poorly written and easily discarded. This one was harder (for me at least) because it's *so close* to greatness.
Please keep writing!

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A Strong Beginning

No surprise this is winning awards; there's a very firm foundation in place.
Some of the walls were a wee bit shaky for me, though.
Some grammatical issues pulled at me, trying to pry me loose from the story, and while the narrative idea is very compelling, the amount of Telling vs Showing kept me at arm's length throughout.
Please keep writing!

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Beautiful

The book's opening, arguably the most important part, moves in like a sweeping epic movie; zooming from the country to the village to the house to the main character. Marvelous.
The descriptions are excellent, drawing in the reader despite some run-on sentences and mild grammar and tense issues ('was not the first nor will he be the last')
The author Told me more than she Showed me; given the genre this is more acceptable than in other stories but I still wanted to be drawn in, to really care about the characters.
Some of the POV changes could be a bit abrupt.
In summation; this is a writer to keep an eye on. The current prose may be a bit bumpy but there are diamonds here

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Nothing Wicked about the writing

This story is excellent.
Make me root for a demon? I wouldn't have guessed that was likely, much less accomplished so easily, but Mayaserana pulls it off. The writing is intriguing, compelling, clear and (hardest of all) funny. This is professional writing

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Worthy of your Time

Pulled a 92/100 from me; there were some minor grammar issues but they were paltry in the face of strong characters, strong writing and (arguably by far most important) a strong writing voice.
Do not miss this story!!

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Must Read

This is a very well-written, gripping story. In hopes of finding ways to boost the writing even higher I would suggest (Nitpicky Man Strikes!) that occasionally the vocabulary choices call attention to themselves ('scrutinizing look', 'distal appendages', 'chastened facade'); we must never remind the readers they're reading!
Also (Nitpicky Man Really Digs Deep) the 'clear and present danger' joke early on...worth breaking the fourth wall for a joke?
Only the writer can decide.
But with 96 out of 100 points, this was obviously a winner of a book. Read it immediately.

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Strong but uneven

I cannot praise the author highly enough for the courage to write such a difficult story; the world is far too full of fluff and nonsense and this is neither.
I hope they will continue to review and revise; there is much that is Told rather than Shown, robbing the reader of the opportunity to be drawn in, to really *feel* with the characters

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An excellent start

The writer's passion and love for their characters is very clear. Unfortunately the grammar/punctuation issues kept pushing back until I popped out of the story entirely.
Please keep writing!

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What in the world?

I entered two books. I judged three books. I still don't know what scores I received; apparently, based on the short YouTube video, I got fourth place and shared fifth place so yay for that but...one easily missed 'hey, there's a YouTube video out'? Read R. Johnson's review for much more in-depth feedback.
Cannot recommend this experience should it be offered again
UPDATE: circumstances alter cases. It doesn't change how things were run but I sympathize with the real-world troubles experienced by the contest creators and wish them all the best. Two categories updated to five stars to reflect heart involved if not execution

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No, Really

Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(snort)
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(wipes eyes)
ha ha ha ha ha...

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Read This Book

The first sentence (hard to nail) is excellent.
Could have done without the switch from first-person POV to third (felt unnecessary.)
Got nothing else to complain about.
Good stuff - thanks for the fun!
Please keep writing

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Strong Beginning

I found the Prologue interesting; what lost me was Chapter One. As many up-and-coming writers do, the author dumped so much info into that first Chapter...there were a dozen moments, if not more, where as the reader I was being Told what had happened, incredibly important moments of the MC's life, instead of being Shown. My desire is to be drawn into a story, to feel like I'm watching events unfold, but instead I felt like the author was telling me the story across a coffeeshop table.
But the technical skills were pretty good (one tense change and one misused word in all that I saw) and the passion was clear!
Please keep writing!

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Solid Foundation

Was impressed by the author's technical skills, and their passion is undeniable. Unfortunately it's hard for me to be drawn into stories in general (I've put down New York Times bestsellers because they didn't grab me on the first page) and this one had enough Telling as opposed to Showing that by the end of the first chapter I wasn't captured by the world.
But I'm super hard to please. It's me, not you! 8-)

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Good Foundation

The writer cares about their characters, and the passion for the story is clear.
But the story was so much more Told than Shown that I just didn't get drawn in.
Please keep writing!

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Solid Foundation

The writer is definitely passionate, but there were enough grammatical and punctuation errors that I was very quickly thrown out of the story.
Hopefully the writer will keep at it--the raw material is there! 8-)

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Strong Foundation

This writer shows some excellent technique, doing some difficult things very well; the story as a whole didn't grab me.
I agree with another reviewer that it was a very slow start, and unfortunately if the plot is a slow burn, I need to care about the Main Character as soon as possible. Like on the first page.
The writing is clear, there aren't many grammar/punctuation mistakes which is refreshing; a few missing words here and there but nothing terrible.
But by the end of the lengthy first chapter all I've been handed is a Forbidden Romance Story, and that with a main character I didn't find terribly likable. (And by then I needed to either like or hate her to want to keep going.) What does the main character really want? Not, it seems, to get married, and so the Must Confront The Council plotline...didn't grab me.
The shift from third person to first person mid-chapter One isn't against any rule, except the one rule: *it has to work*. If it throws a reader out of the story, it doesn't work...
(Same goes for the POV changes; it wasn't an issue after the First Person part kicked in, but before that, the head-hopping made me a wee bit dizzy)
The action scene car chase is VERY well-written, and that's hard to do; the dialogue rings true for the most part which is also difficult, and there was maybe one moment where I thought "wish I was being Shown rather than Told' which is unheard of for new writers.
Once the MC started climbing the gate to get into the Forbidden Council area, I found myself liking her; the problem was that was way too far into the book for that for my taste. I need to see great Character Agency, I want to want to be around her, far, far earlier.
This writer definitely has potential and I hope this is not her last story.
Please keep writing!

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Delicious Marinade

The author clearly cares about the characters, and the passion for the story is undeniable.
As far as grammar/punctuation, given that (apparently) English is not the author's first language, the writing is remarkably clean.
The descriptions are good, as is the dialogue--there's a bit of the common up-and-coming writer issue of Telling when I wanted to be Shown. One character 'has been the most amazing best friend,' we learn early on. I don't want to be Told that, I want to See it! Draw me in with the dialogue and character interaction!
My biggest difficulty is one that most Romance readers may not care at all about; the fact that, near as I could see, the Main Character's main goal was Getting Into Relationship.
I want the MC to *want* something, to have something at stake besides just the All Important Significant Other. As it was, I didn't find much meat on the bone here.
But the marinade was delicious...

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I Wanted More

The grammar/punctuation was pretty fair setting aside some misspellings, and the author, no question, cares about her characters.
But I didn't feel especially drawn in. Early on, there was lots of infodumping, in my opinion - so much 'the world is like this, and the world is like this, and the world is like *this*' when I wanted to See and Hear and Learn about the world through dialogue and character interaction.
Also...what does the MC really want? If the author knows, why doesn't the reader early on? As soon as possible? While certainly present, the conflict felt vague, 'out there', like it wasn't touching the main character's life directly. It might at some point, but didn't feel like it was in the opening pages.

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Good Stuff - No Lie

The writer's passion and care for the characters were very evident!
As far as grammar and such, by Inkitt standards the manuscript is pretty clean.
Is the Prologue strictly necessary? Setting aside how agents might potentially pass on a manuscript that has one just because it has one...I made a close connection with the MC, then Chapter One has moved on and they aren't even there. Would have preferred to start right with Chapter One and learned about the difficult past naturally, through dialogue and character interaction, personally.
The descriptions are excellent - if I had one issue (other than the Prologue) it would be the level of Tell rather than Show in the first few chapters. I wanted to be drawn in, but telling me what's going on rather than showing me through dialogue and character kept me at a distance.
Please keep writing!

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Oh, I was Harrowed, all right

What can I say that others haven't about this well-written, fascinating story?
I thought of two things.
A - one thing I've learned in more than thirty years' writing experience (and not a single agent to show for it, so what do I know?) is the value of reading a manuscript out loud. Some (not many) of the sentences went on a tad long; there was one moment late in the first chapter where Hal is, in one sentence, 'marching', 'skirting', 'trying', 'trying' and for good measure 'trying' a third time. Would expect an out-loud read-through might shed light on some of these.
B - some of the word choices seemed aimed a little high. A quick story; in a previous lifetime when I was a stand-up comic, after a halfway decent set a veteran, guy who had opened for well-known comics, sat me down and said 'You don't have to prove to the audience how smart you are.'
I got that feeling occasionally with The Harrowing, when things 'began to cohere', and a demon 'disappeared with agonal shrieks', Amelia's 'leather boots notwithstanding.'
It's a nitpicky note but (and again, reading out loud might reveal some of these) some of the word choices drew me out of the narrative by the very nature of their esotericness.
But damned, RJ, you can write!

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Quite a Ride

The author has a great imagination! The world they're painting is very intriguing.
The nitty gritty; one of the things that kept pushing me out of the story were regular 'almost' word choices. 'stocks' when they meant 'stalks', 'too' for 'to', 'minor' for 'miner', 'wondering' for 'wandering.' Like notes on a violin that are almost correct...outside of this the grammar/punctuation was pretty good.
On a broader scale, the one thing I struggled with, which is common for up-and-coming writers, is how much of the story was Told to me rather than Shown.
I wanted to hear the first chapter's Main Character interacting with her coworkers, rather than being told she didn't fancy them. So much of the world could have been Shown rather than Told, and would result in the already very intriguing world being so much richer.
Please keep writing!

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Lots of Promise

The author's passion is undeniable, and I think there is the foundation of a great story here. But there were, unfortunately, many grammar/punctuation/spelling errors that kept drawing me out of the story.
Please keep writing!

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Buffy look out!

Iorwen is an excellent character; relatable and interesting. The plot crackles and the dialogue is witty. The style/technical skills are a bit rough, but nothing some polish and experience can't address.
Keep your eye on this writer, for sure!

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Rough but Ready

It's hard to write humor, but this author succeeds--it's also hard to write action but they have that too. What kept throwing me out of the story, though, were numerous spelling/grammatical mistakes.
But the raw material is there--I hope this author will keep writing!

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Some Assembly Required

I may be missing something; all the other reviews are glowing but--there were enough grammatical and structure problems that I couldn't get into the story, hard as I tried

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Had Some Trouble

I really wanted to get into this story--the writer obviously cares about their characters. And the author has proven the professionalism of being able to listen to criticism; the previous punctuation problem has been completely fixed!
With that out of the way I could dive deeper into the story--and though it's much more accessible, I still ran immediately into another issue.
Everything is being told to me.
At first glance that might sound like a good thing; a storyteller tells stories, no?
Around a campfire, yes.
This is a book; a good book author *shows* their audience the world, lets the reader SEE and HEAR and TASTE and SMELL and above all FEEL what is happening to the main character as it's happening. The first half of the first chapter was completely Told rather than Shown, as though I was across a coffeetable from the author and they were explaining the story they wanted to tell.
It didn't draw me in at all.
I look forward to seeing what this author can do with a little seasoning--the raw material is there!

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I Really Tried

The author has asked for reviews...I applaud their courage and fortitude; writing is a difficult prospect at the best of times.
I wanted to get into their story, and really tried. But virtually every sentences suffers from punctuation and grammar errors, making the tale nearly unreadable.
Learning the craft is very challenging--I encourage this writer to keep at it, to read whenever they're not writing, and find the ability to tell the stories that very obviously are waiting within

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Mein Gott

I wanna write like you when I grow up 8-)

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Do You Have What It Takes???

Sounds like a fun contest, looks like a well-thought-out contest, and I'm looking forward to the experience!

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Getting There

The plot is fun and intriguing--can't get enough of demigods, personally--and no question in my mind that the author loves her characters. The writing skills were pretty clean, also, which I greatly appreciate.
It's just...I felt more like I was sitting across a coffeeshop table from her, being told what was happening, rather than being on-site seeing/hearing/smelling/tasting/feeling it with my own eyes. Lots of things that could have been shown in action or in dialogue were just...handed to me.
It's not a huge problem and not one that can't be overcome--and I hope this writer will. The story deserves it!
Please keep writing!

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A Passionate Start

The writer cares about her characters, no question; and the story to be told is compelling and important.
It was unfortunately difficult for me to get into as I found the writing itself a bit rough. The words are spelled properly, the dialogue and characterization is there but...there were enough missing words, enough skipped punctuation, that every other sentence popped me out of the narrative I was trying to get into.
But the raw talent is unmistakable - the crafting part can be learned.
Please keep writing!

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Kind of Jarring

The author definitely, no question, cares about her characters. And we are invited to join in; but there were a few things that made that difficult for me.
The 'first chapter' character trait lists...first off, the author misspelled 'trait'; secondly, having to wade through those was like needing to read a videogame manual cover-to-cover before getting to play. Just let me dive in, please!
Initially, the story seems pretty shallow; the MC doesn't seem to have anything at stake, or deep motivation for what he's doing.
Then it gets weird. Partly on purpose; there's a terrible tragedy in chapter three, though I struggled to understand exactly what *had* happened; the author showed us so little. But fine, it's a slow reveal that will be shared later.
Except...the next paragraph, kicking off Chapter Four, talks about the MC's boyfriend. Back to the everyday of Chapters One and Two; I actually paged back to make sure I hadn't missed something. When I finally realized that I hadn't, and the author revealed that people had been kidnapped, I was even more confused. The MC doesn't mention this at all...I get that it's been a year, but...it's his own family, right?
Still not sure, to be honest.
The dark nature of the story isn't, in my opinion, especially well teased in the Summary, and definitely not in the first two chapters - a Prologue teasing the true nature of the tale might be a strong addition...?
Basically - I'm still not sure if the story is really about the dark disappearance, or the M/M love story, but I don't think the author can get away with both.

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I Got Jealous for Christmas!

I want to write like Gwen when I grow up!
This was a delightful story with a clever and (far as I'm aware, and I read a *lot*) unique idea.
The way she revealed the characters is delightful, the chapter endings kept nudging me to 'just read one more'...the description and characterization could go just a touch deeper, maybe, but that's being nitpicky.
This story is excellent.
Please keep writing!

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Getting There

The author is no-question passionate, and has an interesting voice. She also definitely cares about her characters.
I wanted to care about the characters also, but a couple of things made that more difficult; the tense changing from past to present and back again, and, well...
lots and lots of Telling. It's always a balance, an author can't be expected to Show *everything*, but the early chapters skated a little too much on the edge of Infodump for my personal taste.
Please keep writing!

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Delightfully Bizarre

Humor is hard to pull off; anybody interested in doing so could do worse than reading this story.
The author's voice is a Clear and Present Danger, and despite the Sum of All my Fears, I found this a compelling, well-written tale. Very few typos; no need to Hunt for my Red (October) pen. I can recommend this Without Remorse. Were I an Executive I would Order you to read! But I'm just a lowly Patriot. Games aren't my thing.
(Hell; just being aware that dialogue can actually be attached to narrative paragraphs marks the author as a veteran. First Inkitt story I've read in ages that knew about that...)

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A Passionate Tale

The author's desire for the story is quite evident; they love their characters and want to give them the best. Unfortunately for me, the near-constant tense changes (past to present to past, often from one sentence to the next, even in-sentence at times) along with grammar/punctuation issues wouldn't let me be drawn into the story.
Please keep writing!

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Quite the Ride

This is a fun idea that the author executes reasonably well; the literary world is awash in Rowling/Meyers/Riordan clones and this felt like a unique take on the genre. The author's voice is fun and pretty clear, although some typos and occasional tense-change problems threatened to pull me out of the story.
Please keep writing!

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Honest and Open

The author has put their feelings directly on the page; no filter, no hiding being character or story. Come and see if you dare...

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Ray Bradbury would be proud

"These aren't meant to be particularly good or well-written, mostly just interesting and weird." - from the author's summary.
They are definitely interesting and weird, and succeed in the pretty good and well-written category also

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Fires on All Cylinders

As a Harley rider with more than 100,000 miles under my belt, I was waiting for some motorcycle action! Denied!
That's literally all I can come up with as far as 'difficulties' with this one. The author's voice is excellent, the plot is intriguing, and the technical skill spot-on. I want to do two things; encourage the author to get ten chapters in before the next open competition, and enter...
...and please, write on my wall when the book is done.
I never say this.
Ever.
But I want to read this story in its entirety, and I don't want to have to wait. I'm going to try and forget the first five chapters and come back when the story is complete.
And sit back with a rum and coke and dive in.
Please keep writing!

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Some Attention Required

The writer's passion is undeniable, though for my taste the story ramped up too slowly. (There's a reason why agents are known for rejecting books where the MC wakes up on the first page! Very overdone!)
There were some grammar/punctuation problems that kept pulling me out of the story--but the world the author has created is definitely interesting

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A Strong Start

I would normally just comment, not review, a work only One Chapter old, but the author is asking for reviews...
The writing is pretty clean, which I appreciate; for personal taste I'd much rather be drawn into a story than told quite so much information, but the world felt well thought-out.

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Extreme Vulnerability

If you are in the mood for a deep, personal look into a person's life, this is the story for you. The format was a tough sell... all the ellipses... got under my skin a bit... but the voice was unique and compelling for all that. Please keep writing!

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All Systems Are Go

Mark this author on your Watch list--he is going places! Excellent science fiction; the SAVIOR suits reminded me of the exoskeletons in Heinlein's 'Starship Troopers', which is high praise.
A bit of trouble knowing who had the ball, POV-wise, but that's a minor issue.
Nicely done!

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Cotton Candy Sweet

The author is definitely passionate, and I would venture a guess that it's not her first time out! The writing is clear and technically solid. There's no doubt either that she cares about her characters and invites the reader to come along.
Personally even in my love stories I like a little more meat on the bone--would love to see the MC have deeper stakes, more goals than just the Love Story, but if Love is what you're looking for, this is a good place to find it!
Please keep writing!

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So Passionate

The author loves their characters. The care is undeniable. The still-learning quality of the writing is also pretty clear, but we all learn as we go, and this author is going to go far. Some of the word choices are a little forced, and there's some minor grammar issues (although head and shoulders above many of his competitors!) and for my money I'd love for the Main Characters to have more at stake, a deeper desire than just Can I Fall In Love.
But the passion cannot be denied, and if all you need is Love, you'll find it here

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Pull Me In, Why Don'tcha?

It is uncommon (unfortunately) to find well-written books in this community; understandable, given how many of us are new to the game.
This writer definitely is not.
Kudos!

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Simple and Sweet

It can really be challenging to draw in readers when the story ramps up to the conflict; one has to really care about the character if things aren't slam-bang right out of the gate.
This author invites me to care about her character.. The prose is clear, for the most part, and there were few grammatical issues I noticed (which is a big deal for me!)
I hope this author has many more stories to tell

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A Good Start

This writer definitely cares about her characters! Her passion is undeniable.
The story in its current form is unfortunately very raw! I wanted to get into the tale but the grammar problems kept pulling me out. Hopefully this will be addressed as the author moves forward.
Please keep writing!

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Lots to Like

From the clever chapter titles to the fun dialogue, this author gives the reader a lot to enjoy. There are some minor grammatical issues, but this story is head and shoulders above many out there in that aspect!
I struggled to get drawn into the tale, however, because of how much was Told to me rather than Shown me. It's a personal preference, perhaps, but I want a tale to draw me in, make me feel like I'm on-scene with the characters experiencing the world, and instead I kinda felt like the author was on the other side of a coffeeshop table telling me what had happened.
Nonetheless, I hope this writer keeps at it! Their passion is undeniable 8-)

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Quite the Roller-Coaster

I feel like I've visited a foreign land, which is not something I say a lot when reading new writers! The setting and characters were very clear, as was the author's passion. A recurring grammatical issue (missing periods at the end of dialogue--strange) kept nagging at me, keeping me from really diving in, but the writing was nonetheless reasonably well-crafted. Kudos!

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Couldn't Get Drawn In

The author's passion was evident immediately and I wanted very much to like the story, but I found some serious grammatical issues that kept kicking me out...
Nothing some practice can't improve--please keep writing!

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Some Assembly Required

The writer's passion and drive is unmistakable! They definitely have a story to tell. Unfortunately there were grammatical issues in almost every sentence, and I just couldn't get past those. Best of luck with future projects!

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Simple and Sweet

It's fun to read a story where the author loves their characters. The tone and voice definitely invite the reader to love them too. As a personal taste I like a little more meat to a story, and there were some mildly off-putting grammatical issues, but this writer's passion is undeniable. 8-)

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The Challenge

The author's passion and heart for her characters is undeniable--but I want to challenge her to more! I want to challenge a wash-through of some sort of grammar program (or getting feedback from beta readers?) as there were some grammar/punctuation issues that made reading a little difficult.
Moreso, I want to challenge the writer to really dig into the story and Show Us more! One specific example: the 'Zechariah's Point of View', 'Isabelle's Point of View' scene titles. I want to challenge the writer to delete those entirely...and write it so well, so clearly, that the reader KNOWS who has the POV ball from the first sentence of each scene.
She has it in her! I believe this! 8-)

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Read This Book Now!!!

Come for the cover, stay for the delightfully intriguing first sentence, and then look up three hours later wondering what just happened?
Do not start reading this one right before bedtime, or mealtime, or anything you can't do while reading...

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Hold On Tight

Was reminded of ee cummings as I read, which I say as the sincerest compliment. This isn't a 'book' so much as a journey, no, a deep dive one would be wise to take a full breath before embarking on. Be warned; by the time you reach the surface you might be forever changed...

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A Strong Beginning

The passion and heart behind the author's words are clearly evident. It was a challenge to get deeply into the story as there are quite a few grammatical/structure problems, but that's something we all have to get past, and the only way out is through. I hope this author will continue writing!

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Maybe it's Me

This might be a case of a reader not getting the writer's voice; there are a number of praising reviews.
But I felt like just about everything was being told to me, and almost nothing shown. I want to feel drawn into a world, I want to see through the eyes of the characters, and instead I felt like the author was sitting across from me at a coffeeshop. 'This happens, and then this happens, and then, oh, this happens!'
The author's passion and fun as a storyteller was evident, and I hope they keep writing.

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So Passionate

English is not this author's first language? I'm astonished and impressed--yes, there are issues but the author gets an extra Technical star for the sheer challenge. The passion and dedication to their craft is very obvious; I hope they will keep writing!

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Even Steven

The author definitely respects the language, and is not an amateur when it comes to the craft--unfortunately, the...fairly bland story structure and pacing stood out all the more as a result. No question the author is passionate, but I didn't find that passion on the page. It wasn't so much like I was experiencing the story firsthand so much as being told the story by the author across a coffeetable. It wasn't an intimate, 'draw me into the story' experience.

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Lovely

It's February; I couldn't pass up a chance to read a celebration of Black History! The writing was clear and concise; a tad dry perhaps but that's just a personal preference. I hope this book sees many more chapters!

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Required Reading

This is a rare gem: honest, heartfelt, thoughtful and well-written. I wanna write like you when I grow up!

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Raw and So Real

I am astonished at the courage of this author to take something so personal and make it so public. The writing itself is raw--how could it not be? She's relating her own life--but the passion undeniable. I hope this is not the last we see of this author

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A good beginning

It's challenging to review something in such an early stage, but what is not in any way rough or uncertain is the author's passion. I hope she will continue writing!!

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Read This Book

Read this book if you like westerns.
Read this book if you like coming-of-age stories.
Read this book if you like well-written tales.
Why are you reading this review?
Read this book!

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High-School Hijinks!

Having written more than one book that takes place in high-school halls, I can say this author definitely knows their medium--this reads like something straight outta homeroom! There were some typos/grammatical issues but not so much to detract from the passion and creativity of the author.
(One note from a veteran; if at some point you want to send this to agents, they are traditionally *not* fans of main characters waking up from sleep on the first page, ha ha!)

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My Timbers Done Been Shivered

It's exciting, it's fast-paced, I like the main character. Avast, me robot hearties!!

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Unexpected Delight

What a unique twist on the age-old tale! The author's voice is clear, the writing crisp and the plot strong. Kudos!

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Beautiful

'Brevity is the soul of wit' - this piece as a whole or in parts is remarkable. Brava

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Intriguing

Reminiscent of Piers Anthony's 'Incarnations of Immortality' series - a fine, dark narrative

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Read This Book

The story does not start bang out of the gate, but this is an observation, not a criticism! (I write such stories my own self.) The author is well able to craft an intriguing character, one who has no difficulty drawing the reader into the meat of the story. There were a few typos/grammar issues, but are so rare as to be only barely worth mentioning.
Thank you for writing something well worth reading!

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Excellent

I have literally never read any flash fiction prior to this--I lucked that my entry into the world could be so well written. A classic concept delivered clearly, concisely and yet beautifully. Marvelous!

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Feels Unfinished

Was surprised the author at the end asked for a review; was just going to leave a comment. But since they want it...I'm assuming this is still a work in progress? 'Chapter 1' just says 'start writing here', which I can only imagine is a phantom chapter that hasn't been deleted, even though the work has been made available.
The story...was there, I suppose; feels more like a blog post or a one Chapter kind of thing. In addition, the grammar and punctuation could stand with some editing.
Again...I was just going to leave a comment, but the writer specifically asked for a review

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Wait for it...

The author has one of the most unique voices I've come across in some time; the word choices are clever, if at times a little too clever (there were a few sentences that seemed inserted not to serve the story, but because perhaps the author liked how they sounded?)
My main struggle was with the plot; I'm not sure there was one. The story felt like, to quote Homer Simpson, "A bunch of stuff that happened." I didn't find a narrative thread, any stakes for the main character...what was the overall goal?
There were shades of Dave Barry's *Big Trouble* or film *The Big Lebowski*; the writer certainly can tap into that particular vein.
But it was just a bunch of stuff that happened. 8-)

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A Beautiful Beginning

I hate to leave as low a review, but sincerely hope to add more stars in due time!
The author without question cares about her characters, and asks us to care as well.
Unfortunately, the grammar and structure challenges (the tense changes from past to present often mid-sentence, which is common for new writers) make it very difficult to get into the story itself.
I hope you will keep writing! This story deserves to be told!

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Great Potential

The author obviously loves her characters, and invites us to love them also, which is wonderful!
The challenge might be loving them too much? To be captivating, a story must involve conflict. Certainly the fellow children calling Emma 'freak' is conflict, but beyond that...? It felt like any risk of hurt or pain was almost immediately resolved, almost as if the author couldn't bear to put her character in danger.
On the technical side, the abundance of pop-culture references was a bit off-putting for me personally, and there were some grammar issues that kept me from fully engaging with the story.
But Ms. Corsi has created a beautiful world that I wanted to be drawn into, and hope to be in time. 8-)

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Didn't Grab Me

I believe this author will go far--there are flashes of brilliance in the prose.
Unfortuately there were a few grammar/punctuation problems, which kept pulling me out of her exciting story. The most severe was a fairly constant switch between present and past tense, often in mid-sentence. One example: "Something falls through the cracks, (present) and pain smiled at her hand (past). The blood drips down (present) - and she could almost hear it drop onto the floor (past)."
I look forward to seeing the story get told the way it deserves! 8-)

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A Unique Voice

This author can write--and write well. The voice of the story was immediately intriguing. The character interactions were strong, as is the dialogue.
I struggled to get pulled into the story, though, with some jarring POV switches (no rule against head-hopping whenever a writer wants, but if the reader has to stop and say 'Hey, wait...who's talking now?' it's a bit of a fail) and some of the Tell v Show bordered on infodump. (Lemme sit you down and tell ya that a- Josh is a pacifist, b- Mr. Wahler is boring, c- here's Leigh's father's job and nationality...)
A strong if imperfect story--please keep writing!

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Delicious Frosting

Not much depth to the story, but the chocolate frosting is rich and tasty!
The technical skill was pretty tight, save for the new trend at making every bit of dialogue its own paragraph.
One concern...is it ethical for an author to leave themselves a five-star review? That leaves a surprisingly bad taste in my mouth, personally.

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From the Heart

The author's passion and love for the craft is clearly evident. No question she cares about her characters, and I hope she will keep writing! There's a learning curve to writing, for damn sure, and it can be very challenging to get the wording right. Only experience (and reading the work of others! Every writer should be a voracious reader!) can smooth out the wrinkles--I hope this writer continues and reaches new heights with every chapter

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Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered publisher, providing a platform to discover hidden talents and turn them into globally successful authors. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books our readers love most on our sister app, GALATEA and other formats.