Will Robin

Lovely Relationships, Low Stakes

If the story were setup to be a quiet forest-setting tale about budding relationships it would perhaps succeed - but the author has turned the world on its ear. Like Deep Impact or Dante's Peak or The Day After Tomorrow, the Inciting Incident here would...should...herald the end of the world.
But no End of the World conflict is present. As if the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are loose and Alan Grant spends a chapter or two searching for his wallet. Voldemort is roaming Hogwarts and Harry is desperately studying to pass his Potions final. The characters are lovely, their relationship is sweet, but given the circumstances all life on earth is threatened...except there's virtually no threat on the pages.
It's hardly hinted at beyond the fringes of the story. This imbalance just did not work for me

Stop Whatever You're Doing

And read this right now! Seriously!
Allow for the fact that in the first few chapters the conflict and stakes are held a bit at arm's length and wait to be drawn into a gripping, well-told tale.
You will not be waiting long

Have to Deviate

I used to do stand-up comedy and after one set, a veteran comic complimented my jokes and then said something I've often remembered: 'You don't have to show the audience how smart you are.'
I remembered that moment often as I read Deviant.
The blurb itself gave me pause - many of the words used stood out for their usage; rather than blending seamlessly into a song that drew me into the story, many word 'notes' struck loudly and discordantly, calling attention to themselves. The tense changed from past to present back to past as well, which was worrying.
The Prologue continued the trend of Big Words, seemingly chosen for how good they'd look on the page, rather than their ability to harmonize with the overall song. The loquaciousness did not disguise the large amount of infodump - I want to be drawn into a story, and instead felt as if I was being pushed back with both hands. Even before the author broke the fourth wall to flat out tell me how great their story was, and then scolded me for questioning a turn of phrase I hadn't had a problem with until they mentioned it.
Much like in the blurb, the tense changes from past to present and back again throughout the manuscript.
There are truly moments of genius in the work - I strongly encourage the author to read the MS out loud; to hopefully see where word choices are serving themselves rather than the story. Any of those have to go! 8-)

Struggled

Was surprised by the consistent typos in a contest entry, to be honest; felt like the author had not done due diligence before entering.
The first page was almost 100% tell, with very little shown. I wasn't sure why it was important to the plot to see the MC brushing her teeth, getting dressed, etc. I wanted to like Sasha, but page after page and then chapter after chapter slipped by with basically nothing at stake. Little to no conflict.
Even the 'first day at a brand-new school' experience which is instantly relatable just seemed...normal. Nothing was happening, and nothing kept happening.
I kept waiting for the real story to start and by the one-third mark it still hadn't.
There are sparks of true creativity and artistry, but it felt to me like the author was hesitant to put her main character into any real danger, at least in the first half. Then the ending took that same MC and, unexpectedly, slammed her (nearly literally) against a brick wall.
Found this to be very uneven

Hit First Time

Let's get this out of the way up front; sometimes there's no space between sentences.
Couldn't fault the book for anything else. Strong writing, believable dialogue, intriguing characters.
Almost perfection!

Seven is more like a Nine

Out of 100 this book rated 88 with me; I come down hard on grammar/punctuation and except for occasional double-spacing between paragraphs found little pulling me out of the story. Well done!
The slow ramp-up to excitement is perfectly acceptable, but the character *must* grab me out of the gate if there's no strong plot pulling at me; I wasn't a big fan of the MC at first which might be fully intentional but didn't help draw me in.
But the 'I'm not interested in Juniper' beats were good, and by chapter three things were really heating up.
So, one challenge to the author - is there a way to get to that heat more quickly?
Please keep writing!

What in the world?

I entered two books. I judged three books. I still don't know what scores I received; apparently, based on the short YouTube video, I got fourth place and shared fifth place so yay for that but...one easily missed 'hey, there's a YouTube video out'? Read R. Johnson's review for much more in-depth feedback.
Cannot recommend this experience should it be offered again
UPDATE: circumstances alter cases. It doesn't change how things were run but I sympathize with the real-world troubles experienced by the contest creators and wish them all the best. Two categories updated to five stars to reflect heart involved if not execution

Some Assembly Required

The author's passion is unquestionable. They care about their characters and their story.
But there were some issues that kept pushing me out of the narrative, until I fell out of the story entirely.
Setting aside some grammar/punctuation issues and some occasional changes in tense ('he wasn't wearing a coat though it's an AC room') I would love to see the author kick off with Chapter One and not the Prologue, throwing the reader right into peril along with the Main Character.
And I would love to feel more on-scene with the Characters, being shown what is happening to them rather than told.
Please keep writing - the potential is there!

Quite a Ride

The author has a great imagination! The world they're painting is very intriguing.
The nitty gritty; one of the things that kept pushing me out of the story were regular 'almost' word choices. 'stocks' when they meant 'stalks', 'too' for 'to', 'minor' for 'miner', 'wondering' for 'wandering.' Like notes on a violin that are almost correct...outside of this the grammar/punctuation was pretty good.
On a broader scale, the one thing I struggled with, which is common for up-and-coming writers, is how much of the story was Told to me rather than Shown.
I wanted to hear the first chapter's Main Character interacting with her coworkers, rather than being told she didn't fancy them. So much of the world could have been Shown rather than Told, and would result in the already very intriguing world being so much richer.
Please keep writing!

A Great Start

The writing style is crisp and clear, and the grammar/punctuation pretty good. Given the slow burn (how the MC wakes up not knowing anything, and slowly learns how the world is working) since the plot isn't slam-bang from the beginning I need to really care about the character, and while the conflict is immediately apparent and believable, there's enough Telling instead of Showing that I didn't feel all that drawn in to the story. I'm aware of the MC's struggles but not that invested.
Nonetheless it is a strong story so far. Kudos!

I've Seen Worse

The author's passion and desire is unquestionable; but as a reader I want to be drawn into a story, and the near-constant grammatical and punctuation issues were like constant light smacks to the face. Eventually I just couldn't continue.
Which is unfortunate; there is a good story here, begging for the necessary attention to detail.
Please keep writing!

Undeniable Passion

This writer likes his action scenes, and I wanted to jump in with the characters - there were enough grammatical issues that I kept getting pulled out. But the heart behind the story showed through clearly; hopefully this admittedly new writer will keep at his craft!

An Excellent Start

The author admittedly is a new writer, and normally I would not leave a review but they requested such--the work shows promise! I was intrigued by the very story concept as it's not something that's been done much before (near as I can tell) and the action was definitely on the page.
There were some writing issues (much less than many new writers, so kudos for that) which kept pulling me out of the narrative, and the 'Next Chapter' moments coming every couple hundred words or so felt a bit odd, but that might be the middle-aged guy talking.
Please keep writing!

Raked Over the Coals

This is the second story I've experienced by this author, and once again I am struck by the raw material she's working with. There are (also once again) technical flaws that kept pushing me out of the narrative, which is frustrating because her voice is very rich. It's bugging me that once again I can't put my finger on what's there but there's a *something* that is not present in 99% of the new-writer stories I see.
It's not that the story idea is super original--nothing is, anymore, so no strike against the author there--but the descriptions, maybe, or the dialogue, there's *something* here, some spark of magic.
The author doesn't know how to write well yet, which is also no strike against her; nobody does when they start.
It's like hearing somebody's first album, before they got a really good producer; the music is there, it's just buried beneath some unfortunate technical mistakes.
But those can be fixed and if/when they do--watch out.
Watch this writer.
She's going places

Raised Eyebrow

The writing is challenging. Technically the story is hard to get into.
But.
There are so many retreads out there, so many clones, so many writers trying to do a version of *Twilight* or *Hunger Games* - and this isn't that. It's not *Gone Girl* or *Mean Girls* or...I don't know what it is, but I do know that the writer is willing to open her heart and dump the contents onto the page.
It's raw, it's real, it's not yet well-written but the writing chops will come in time, and if when they do the writer still has the courage to be this honest, this vulnerable, she will be miles ahead of her competition.
I can't put my finger on it exactly (which bugs me no end) but there's...*something* very significant here.
Please keep writing

Sweet and Simple

A lovely story; some grammatical issues but the writer unquestionably loves the characters. 8-)

Strong and Steady

The writer's voice is fun and fresh, and the story despite being another drop in a very overflowing bucket, stood out as a unique offering. Kudos!

Raw and Vulnerable

The author opens up their chest and invites the reader to take their fill--inspiring!

Light Fantasy

The author is a delightful person and her talent/ability unmistakable. This story is clearly presented if perhaps a touch simple.
It's certainly not the author's fault that I left off Anne McCaffrey's 'Dragonsinger' to enjoy 'The Miserable Prince'; most fantasy tales would suffer by comparison! But the two stories have their similarities; in each case a lighter, less earth-shaking plot than the standard Tolkein or Lawhead or Rowling fare, both relying on character strength perhaps than gripping narrative.
If 'The Miserable Prince' stumbles slightly, in my opinion it is because the author does not give me enough time on any one character's shoulder. The POV changes were rarely confusing, but while in 'Dragonsinger' McCaffrey lets Menolly carry the entire tale, and one is invited to experience her pain and grow to love her, the ball was passed between so many in 'Miserable Prince' that it was all I could do to keep up; and, again, no Tolkein-esque narrative to pull me along.
But though it could be stronger, it is a lovely story just the same

Slooooow Start

Unlike Chere I did find a few errors but this is one of the cleanest manuscripts I've had the pleasure to read! I did struggle, though, to engage with the character; there was so much averyage everyday description that seemed to have nothing to do with moving the plot forward

Work In Progress

I hesitate to review stories that are obviously incomplete, but the author asked for reviews...
There is a lot of potential here; I like a good, fast-moving adventure and the author is definitely aiming for one. There were enough grammatical problems, though, that I just couldn't get deeply into the story. I assume this is an early draft and such will be addressed, however.
Can't wait to see this when it's finished, edited and tightened! Go Jake!

Much to See

The writer's voice was clear and strong; there were steady grammar/punctuation issues and yet not so overwhelming that they drew me out of the story.
Full-frontal on a fifteen year-old character certainly did; this is a very bold and arguably story breaking choice, especially on the first page!
There's also, of course, the immediate Harry Potter thought upon reading the summary; obviously the author is writing an original story but one wonders if it is original enough to keep readers' attention...

A Strong Beginning

The passion and heart behind the author's words are clearly evident. It was a challenge to get deeply into the story as there are quite a few grammatical/structure problems, but that's something we all have to get past, and the only way out is through. I hope this author will continue writing!

Intriguing!

There's no doubt the author loves her subject, and the characters. Her passion is very evident.
The story itself, at least through Chapter 6, felt a little flimsy. It might be just a personal taste thing on my part, but I didn't find a whole lot of conflict, nor did the main character have a clear, strong goal besides 'the man in her life' which is a perfectly fine goal, but might not sustain a reader through a long story.
A few typo/grammar issues marred the reading experience as well...but the writing shows great promise!

Uneven; great promise

The author understands how writing works; work is very grammatically sound. The storytelling, for me, felt a bit of a rollercoaster. Infestation, for example, seemed to be ramping up to greater stakes/conflict and then abruptly ended. Felt unfinished. By contrast both Family Portrait and Looking Glass, very similar in concept, seemed much longer than necessary for tight storytelling. As if (my opinion) the author were artificially inflating the narrative to extend the tales. Considering the off-balance Show v Tell in such (would estimate 20/80) would encourage more character interaction/dialogue if stories need be longer. Though something like Looking Glass could be two chapters, even just one, for a much more gripping narrative

Solid Footing

The writer knows their characters and is not afraid to put them through the wringer - rising action, rising conflict, and a main character determined to find her way in a world set against her - this is a very solid manuscript

Keep Digging! (seriously!!)

This writer is going places; she definitely has a good handle on the technical craft. Now I just want to care about the characters! The first six or so chapters are mostly A Week At An Archaeological Dig, with little to no conflict or stakes - what does the MC want? What is keeping her from getting it?
Then the inciting incident happens and there's a great opportunity for conflict, the stakes are pretty dang high - but still so much is told rather than shown, plus the tennis-match POV head-hopping kept pushing me away.
The plot and characters both have lovely potential - and I have every confidence that GT will keep revising until they can shine like they deserve!

A Winding Road

Based on the blurb alone was intrigued and excited - this writer is obviously experienced!
The first page was one of the most compelling I've seen on Inkitt; the writing could perhaps be tighter and I found a typo in the second sentence but that is nitpicky - I was instantly interested in the character and drawn into the environment.
There was perhaps more telling than I fancy in the first chapter - but I cared enough about Kermy and wanted to be around him so that I was willing to accept being told somewhat about his life.
When Chapter Two was...like a completely different story, with (near as I could see) no reference to the previously deeply established characters, that hurt my experience a little. I missed Chapter One's people. But the writing continued to be excellent.
Then Chapter Three introduced yet another plot thread, with yet more characters, and now I had two Chapters worth of people to wonder after.
It's a unique way to write a story - it didn't work for me. The writing is excellent, the writer experienced, and certainly stories that switch tracks can be very compelling--in my experience such are almost always plot-driven rather than character-driven. While there is deep and compelling plot (boy is there!) this is nonetheless a character-driven story, and as soon as I was drawn into loving a character...I was shoved into someone else's story.
It was, for me, very jarring. The trouble might be, I'm unsure, that this is a prequel story to another that I haven't read? Perhaps if I had been introduced to all these characters in a group, I would have been happy to re-meet old friends. As it was, the plot threads never wove together for me. It was like putting down one well-written story and picking up another, and I've never been a fan of reading that way...

Verbose

I give a lot of weight to first impressions; there were several typos in the blurb and one in the first sentence (even allowing for the 'first sentence' to actually be a quirky chapter title--this is not evident until seeing further chapters as it is not in bold or italics--which does not cite the original source).
The first thing I noticed as I was introduced to Nik and her friends is how very well-read they are; the word choices both in dialogue and narration often drew attention to themselves. In the first chapter alone I found: entrails, querulant, unagitated, rattan (misspelled), bohemian, heedlessness, nonsenses, preposterous, provocatively.
The writer is without question intelligent and is attempting to set an interesting, idiosyncratic scene with identifiable characters - but the dialogue doesn't always come off as realistic, and any word choices that draw attention to how clever they are...are simultaneously pushing the reader out of the story.
Further vocab words noted throughout the manuscript: vagabond, ubiquitous, euphoric, chambermaid, provocateur, culminated, reminiscences, intractable, obnoxious, macerated, crystallized (misspelled), quadrate, stupefied, ejaculate...
Overall the technical side of things was pretty good; some minor typos and occasional tense changes.
The largest issue I struggled with beyond the slap-in-the-face four dollar words was the plot movement. For the first seven chapters there...basically wasn't any.
Very little conflict and zero stakes; I was reading about four people on vacation and their interactions, while excessively intelligent, remained unstimulating.
Things do ramp up in Chapter Seven, to be sure - more than one-fifth of the way through the story.
Also...the source of said conflict is something that, while worth exploring, needs to be handled extremely carefully and might turn off some readers. (I wasn't a fan at all, if I'm honest. One of the four main characters committed, knowingly or not, a harmful act towards a minor and from what I read received no comeuppance or punishment)
The Character Agency of Nicole might benefit from some tweaking; in the first third of the book she seems to stay at a very even keel. She's not being dragged around by the ear, but neither is she doing much to advance the story. She's just...on vacation.
Once the mess does hit our heroes, the inherent conflict as they try to untangle it was compelling, if ultimately unsatisfying for me personally.
One odd note; there's a Mature Content warning in Chapter 32 that comes after the Mature Content the reader is warned about.
And finally the Epilogue reveal feels not like a natural story closer but a rather blatant attempt to interest a reader in a sequel. As though Chapter One of Book Two had slipped in.
The writer is definitely talented; that I could be as interested as I was in a largely plotless narrative for seven full chapters speaks to their ability. Lots of potential here!

Some Assembly Required

The concept, letters from the Titanic, is very intriguing!
Unfortunately there were some minor grammatical issues sprinkled throughout; a more difficult challenge, immersion-wise, were expressions in dialogue and narration that did not ring true for the time period. (Which is a challenge in writing historical fiction as I well know!) 'How great you have been doing,' 'Hold on, Celeste just gave me a massive package,' "Find it complicated to process all this,' etc. Am very certain that 'alright' and 'kid' (referring to a child) were not in usage a hundred-and-ten years ago. Nor can I imagine a woman referring to herself as 'fabulous.'
The spoken dialogue being sometimes in italics and sometimes not was distracting and confusing; seemed random. Narration switches from past to present and back again fairly often.
Descriptions were good; but one overall issue that kept me from being drawn into the narrative was a relative lake of stakes. Obviously a character taking ship on the Titanic will have a great deal of conflict soon enough; in the meantime chapter after chapter passed with the MC seemingly content with life as it was. There was little conflict or desire for the MC besides enjoying her cruise.
But the very idea is very interesting and (far as I know) unique! Look forward to seeing what the author can do with the concept!

So smart I don't get it??

Typo in the book title not a good sign; no author name on the cover looks unprofessional; conversely the words found within proved the author to be a very talented writer.
Chapter One, anyway; the blurb which one reads at first was (in my opinion) very over-written, even to the point of rambling. Did not establish what the main character wanted nor what was keeping her from getting it.
The first page, however, was beautifully written. Very engaging and with lovely descriptions.
This would be a feature throughout the piece, at least the first third - lovely descriptions.
Little to no dialogue, little to no character interaction in the first few chapters, little to no stakes or conflict or plot movement...just paragraph upon paragraph of lovely description. I felt like I had lived in the village my whole life - but unfortunately felt almost completely disconnected from the main character.
When Chapter One introduced very little I was hoping Two or Three or Four would...but though characters came in, they seemed incidental to the overall continued description.
I have literally never seen a book with less dialogue; felt like the first chapters averaged maybe a dozen lines per chapter. Dialogue is, of course, one of the easiest ways to establish character and develop plot and the author left this tool sitting in the corner.
By Chapter Six the plot was thickening and the story beginning - but that's about five-and-a-half chapters too late in my opinion. By the end of the first third there were indeed glimmers of high stakes, of conflict, but such was far too late to draw me into the rest of the story.
But make no mistake; this writer is talented. Though very unbalanced there were nonetheless shades of genius in the story overall

Flashes of Brilliance

Swept into reading with no knowledge of the author or her book; was immediately obvious the writer works at a professional level. Was not at all surprised to find the book available on Amazon.
There were a few technical problems, though, enough to lose a star. The biggest issue for me was that more words were used than necessary (a problem I'm painfully familiar with!). Would guess the book could be 10-15K lighter and, in process, more gripping. There were also some plot points I found hard to swallow.
Also want to encourage the author in reference to Character Agency; Miranda was relatable, no question, but for too much of what I read was leaning more towards the Snow White side of things (the story sweeping her along) than the Katniss Everdeen side (making things happen.)
Nonetheless - this was one of the best Inkitt experiences I have had to date

Rough but Beautiful

There is no question the author deeply cares about their characters, and the story to be told. It is rare to see so much heart in a story.
Would have loved to see more and be told less, struggled to be completely drawn into the narrative.
But this author is going places.
Please keep writing!

Weighed in the Balance; Found Wanting

The author is definitely passionate about their characters. But the writing, so far, didn't measure up in my opinion.
Other readers may disagree but a First Chapter list of characters...I don't care to read. Get me into the story as soon as possible! Introduce me to those same characters, draw me into them, save the Glossary for the end if at all.
There were grammar and punctuation problems that pushed at me, keeping me from being drawn in; one of the most serious being the tense changes from second to first person and back. ('He knew death was inevitable', 'it would be days of agony watching your body')
Considering Chapter Two as the book's actual beginning, there was lots of telling and not much showing. I want to feel on-scene, experiencing the story with the characters; in this case it was more like I was across a coffeeshop table from the author, as they told me what happened in their story.
Switching between first and third person from one chapter to the next was also unfortunately jarring.
HOWEVER; the author has created a rich world; it's a place I want to be.
Well, it's a place I want to want to be, if that makes sense.
Please keep writing!

A strong foundation

The author definitely cares about their subject and characters; there were however enough grammar and punctuation issues that I really struggled to get into the story.
Please keep writing!

Passionate if Uneven

The author's passion for the subject is undeniable; my hope was to be drawn in by the story.
I somewhat was. Admittedly it's hard to draw me in, and the author made a good go of it; the repeated phrases from blurb to first chapter pushed me away a little, and some noticeable (if minor!) grammatical errors didn't help.
Mostly, though, I want to See this world, to feel and hear and taste what the author does with Rowling's characters, and so much was Told to me that I felt kept at arm's length.
Please, push the conflict (there should be some in every scene, ideally every paragraph!) and please, also, Show me more.
Draw me into the world...

So Much Potential

This author can write well, no mistake about that - what was mildly frustrating about the read was how much more I wanted from the story.
Like many stories, the first chapter involves a solitary Main Character; why do so few give their MCs someone to *talk* to, so that the world can be revealed to us rather than dumped in our laps? Draw me into the story! There was a lovely Douglas Adams vibe that kept me involved, the writing is humorous which is hard to pull off, but I want to be *drawn in*, please!
Lots of telling instead of showing, at least one fairly jarring POV change mid-paragraph...
And most frustrating of all, the writer gets me to care about the characters and I wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
for something to happen!
What do the main characters want? What is it they're striving for?
Some stories are just poorly written and easily discarded. This one was harder (for me at least) because it's *so close* to greatness.
Please keep writing!

Nothing Wicked about the writing

This story is excellent.
Make me root for a demon? I wouldn't have guessed that was likely, much less accomplished so easily, but Mayaserana pulls it off. The writing is intriguing, compelling, clear and (hardest of all) funny. This is professional writing

Worthy of your Time

Pulled a 92/100 from me; there were some minor grammar issues but they were paltry in the face of strong characters, strong writing and (arguably by far most important) a strong writing voice.
Do not miss this story!!

Must Read

This is a very well-written, gripping story. In hopes of finding ways to boost the writing even higher I would suggest (Nitpicky Man Strikes!) that occasionally the vocabulary choices call attention to themselves ('scrutinizing look', 'distal appendages', 'chastened facade'); we must never remind the readers they're reading!
Also (Nitpicky Man Really Digs Deep) the 'clear and present danger' joke early on...worth breaking the fourth wall for a joke?
Only the writer can decide.
But with 96 out of 100 points, this was obviously a winner of a book. Read it immediately.

No, Really

Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(snort)
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(wipes eyes)
ha ha ha ha ha...

Read This Book

The first sentence (hard to nail) is excellent.
Could have done without the switch from first-person POV to third (felt unnecessary.)
Got nothing else to complain about.
Good stuff - thanks for the fun!
Please keep writing

Strong Beginning

I found the Prologue interesting; what lost me was Chapter One. As many up-and-coming writers do, the author dumped so much info into that first Chapter...there were a dozen moments, if not more, where as the reader I was being Told what had happened, incredibly important moments of the MC's life, instead of being Shown. My desire is to be drawn into a story, to feel like I'm watching events unfold, but instead I felt like the author was telling me the story across a coffeeshop table.
But the technical skills were pretty good (one tense change and one misused word in all that I saw) and the passion was clear!
Please keep writing!

Good Foundation

The writer cares about their characters, and the passion for the story is clear.
But the story was so much more Told than Shown that I just didn't get drawn in.
Please keep writing!

I Wanted More

The grammar/punctuation was pretty fair setting aside some misspellings, and the author, no question, cares about her characters.
But I didn't feel especially drawn in. Early on, there was lots of infodumping, in my opinion - so much 'the world is like this, and the world is like this, and the world is like *this*' when I wanted to See and Hear and Learn about the world through dialogue and character interaction.
Also...what does the MC really want? If the author knows, why doesn't the reader early on? As soon as possible? While certainly present, the conflict felt vague, 'out there', like it wasn't touching the main character's life directly. It might at some point, but didn't feel like it was in the opening pages.

Good Stuff - No Lie

The writer's passion and care for the characters were very evident!
As far as grammar and such, by Inkitt standards the manuscript is pretty clean.
Is the Prologue strictly necessary? Setting aside how agents might potentially pass on a manuscript that has one just because it has one...I made a close connection with the MC, then Chapter One has moved on and they aren't even there. Would have preferred to start right with Chapter One and learned about the difficult past naturally, through dialogue and character interaction, personally.
The descriptions are excellent - if I had one issue (other than the Prologue) it would be the level of Tell rather than Show in the first few chapters. I wanted to be drawn in, but telling me what's going on rather than showing me through dialogue and character kept me at a distance.
Please keep writing!

Oh, I was Harrowed, all right

What can I say that others haven't about this well-written, fascinating story?
I thought of two things.
A - one thing I've learned in more than thirty years' writing experience (and not a single agent to show for it, so what do I know?) is the value of reading a manuscript out loud. Some (not many) of the sentences went on a tad long; there was one moment late in the first chapter where Hal is, in one sentence, 'marching', 'skirting', 'trying', 'trying' and for good measure 'trying' a third time. Would expect an out-loud read-through might shed light on some of these.
B - some of the word choices seemed aimed a little high. A quick story; in a previous lifetime when I was a stand-up comic, after a halfway decent set a veteran, guy who had opened for well-known comics, sat me down and said 'You don't have to prove to the audience how smart you are.'
I got that feeling occasionally with The Harrowing, when things 'began to cohere', and a demon 'disappeared with agonal shrieks', Amelia's 'leather boots notwithstanding.'
It's a nitpicky note but (and again, reading out loud might reveal some of these) some of the word choices drew me out of the narrative by the very nature of their esotericness.
But damned, RJ, you can write!

Lots of Promise

The author's passion is undeniable, and I think there is the foundation of a great story here. But there were, unfortunately, many grammar/punctuation/spelling errors that kept drawing me out of the story.
Please keep writing!

Buffy look out!

Iorwen is an excellent character; relatable and interesting. The plot crackles and the dialogue is witty. The style/technical skills are a bit rough, but nothing some polish and experience can't address.
Keep your eye on this writer, for sure!

Some Assembly Required

I may be missing something; all the other reviews are glowing but--there were enough grammatical and structure problems that I couldn't get into the story, hard as I tried

Had Some Trouble

I really wanted to get into this story--the writer obviously cares about their characters. And the author has proven the professionalism of being able to listen to criticism; the previous punctuation problem has been completely fixed!
With that out of the way I could dive deeper into the story--and though it's much more accessible, I still ran immediately into another issue.
Everything is being told to me.
At first glance that might sound like a good thing; a storyteller tells stories, no?
Around a campfire, yes.
This is a book; a good book author *shows* their audience the world, lets the reader SEE and HEAR and TASTE and SMELL and above all FEEL what is happening to the main character as it's happening. The first half of the first chapter was completely Told rather than Shown, as though I was across a coffeetable from the author and they were explaining the story they wanted to tell.
It didn't draw me in at all.
I look forward to seeing what this author can do with a little seasoning--the raw material is there!

I Really Tried

The author has asked for reviews...I applaud their courage and fortitude; writing is a difficult prospect at the best of times.
I wanted to get into their story, and really tried. But virtually every sentences suffers from punctuation and grammar errors, making the tale nearly unreadable.
Learning the craft is very challenging--I encourage this writer to keep at it, to read whenever they're not writing, and find the ability to tell the stories that very obviously are waiting within

Mein Gott

I wanna write like you when I grow up 8-)

Getting There

The plot is fun and intriguing--can't get enough of demigods, personally--and no question in my mind that the author loves her characters. The writing skills were pretty clean, also, which I greatly appreciate.
It's just...I felt more like I was sitting across a coffeeshop table from her, being told what was happening, rather than being on-site seeing/hearing/smelling/tasting/feeling it with my own eyes. Lots of things that could have been shown in action or in dialogue were just...handed to me.
It's not a huge problem and not one that can't be overcome--and I hope this writer will. The story deserves it!
Please keep writing!

A Passionate Start

The writer cares about her characters, no question; and the story to be told is compelling and important.
It was unfortunately difficult for me to get into as I found the writing itself a bit rough. The words are spelled properly, the dialogue and characterization is there but...there were enough missing words, enough skipped punctuation, that every other sentence popped me out of the narrative I was trying to get into.
But the raw talent is unmistakable - the crafting part can be learned.
Please keep writing!

Kind of Jarring

The author definitely, no question, cares about her characters. And we are invited to join in; but there were a few things that made that difficult for me.
The 'first chapter' character trait lists...first off, the author misspelled 'trait'; secondly, having to wade through those was like needing to read a videogame manual cover-to-cover before getting to play. Just let me dive in, please!
Initially, the story seems pretty shallow; the MC doesn't seem to have anything at stake, or deep motivation for what he's doing.
Then it gets weird. Partly on purpose; there's a terrible tragedy in chapter three, though I struggled to understand exactly what *had* happened; the author showed us so little. But fine, it's a slow reveal that will be shared later.
Except...the next paragraph, kicking off Chapter Four, talks about the MC's boyfriend. Back to the everyday of Chapters One and Two; I actually paged back to make sure I hadn't missed something. When I finally realized that I hadn't, and the author revealed that people had been kidnapped, I was even more confused. The MC doesn't mention this at all...I get that it's been a year, but...it's his own family, right?
Still not sure, to be honest.
The dark nature of the story isn't, in my opinion, especially well teased in the Summary, and definitely not in the first two chapters - a Prologue teasing the true nature of the tale might be a strong addition...?
Basically - I'm still not sure if the story is really about the dark disappearance, or the M/M love story, but I don't think the author can get away with both.

I Got Jealous for Christmas!

I want to write like Gwen when I grow up!
This was a delightful story with a clever and (far as I'm aware, and I read a *lot*) unique idea.
The way she revealed the characters is delightful, the chapter endings kept nudging me to 'just read one more'...the description and characterization could go just a touch deeper, maybe, but that's being nitpicky.
This story is excellent.
Please keep writing!

Delightfully Bizarre

Humor is hard to pull off; anybody interested in doing so could do worse than reading this story.
The author's voice is a Clear and Present Danger, and despite the Sum of All my Fears, I found this a compelling, well-written tale. Very few typos; no need to Hunt for my Red (October) pen. I can recommend this Without Remorse. Were I an Executive I would Order you to read! But I'm just a lowly Patriot. Games aren't my thing.
(Hell; just being aware that dialogue can actually be attached to narrative paragraphs marks the author as a veteran. First Inkitt story I've read in ages that knew about that...)

Quite the Ride

This is a fun idea that the author executes reasonably well; the literary world is awash in Rowling/Meyers/Riordan clones and this felt like a unique take on the genre. The author's voice is fun and pretty clear, although some typos and occasional tense-change problems threatened to pull me out of the story.
Please keep writing!

Honest and Open

The author has put their feelings directly on the page; no filter, no hiding being character or story. Come and see if you dare...

Ray Bradbury would be proud

"These aren't meant to be particularly good or well-written, mostly just interesting and weird." - from the author's summary.
They are definitely interesting and weird, and succeed in the pretty good and well-written category also

Fires on All Cylinders

As a Harley rider with more than 100,000 miles under my belt, I was waiting for some motorcycle action! Denied!
That's literally all I can come up with as far as 'difficulties' with this one. The author's voice is excellent, the plot is intriguing, and the technical skill spot-on. I want to do two things; encourage the author to get ten chapters in before the next open competition, and enter...
...and please, write on my wall when the book is done.
I never say this.
Ever.
But I want to read this story in its entirety, and I don't want to have to wait. I'm going to try and forget the first five chapters and come back when the story is complete.
And sit back with a rum and coke and dive in.
Please keep writing!

Some Attention Required

The writer's passion is undeniable, though for my taste the story ramped up too slowly. (There's a reason why agents are known for rejecting books where the MC wakes up on the first page! Very overdone!)
There were some grammar/punctuation problems that kept pulling me out of the story--but the world the author has created is definitely interesting

A Strong Start

I would normally just comment, not review, a work only One Chapter old, but the author is asking for reviews...
The writing is pretty clean, which I appreciate; for personal taste I'd much rather be drawn into a story than told quite so much information, but the world felt well thought-out.

Extreme Vulnerability

If you are in the mood for a deep, personal look into a person's life, this is the story for you. The format was a tough sell... all the ellipses... got under my skin a bit... but the voice was unique and compelling for all that. Please keep writing!

All Systems Are Go

Mark this author on your Watch list--he is going places! Excellent science fiction; the SAVIOR suits reminded me of the exoskeletons in Heinlein's 'Starship Troopers', which is high praise.
A bit of trouble knowing who had the ball, POV-wise, but that's a minor issue.
Nicely done!

So Passionate

The author loves their characters. The care is undeniable. The still-learning quality of the writing is also pretty clear, but we all learn as we go, and this author is going to go far. Some of the word choices are a little forced, and there's some minor grammar issues (although head and shoulders above many of his competitors!) and for my money I'd love for the Main Characters to have more at stake, a deeper desire than just Can I Fall In Love.
But the passion cannot be denied, and if all you need is Love, you'll find it here

Simple and Sweet

It can really be challenging to draw in readers when the story ramps up to the conflict; one has to really care about the character if things aren't slam-bang right out of the gate.
This author invites me to care about her character.. The prose is clear, for the most part, and there were few grammatical issues I noticed (which is a big deal for me!)
I hope this author has many more stories to tell

A Good Start

This writer definitely cares about her characters! Her passion is undeniable.
The story in its current form is unfortunately very raw! I wanted to get into the tale but the grammar problems kept pulling me out. Hopefully this will be addressed as the author moves forward.
Please keep writing!

Lots to Like

From the clever chapter titles to the fun dialogue, this author gives the reader a lot to enjoy. There are some minor grammatical issues, but this story is head and shoulders above many out there in that aspect!
I struggled to get drawn into the tale, however, because of how much was Told to me rather than Shown me. It's a personal preference, perhaps, but I want a tale to draw me in, make me feel like I'm on-scene with the characters experiencing the world, and instead I kinda felt like the author was on the other side of a coffeeshop table telling me what had happened.
Nonetheless, I hope this writer keeps at it! Their passion is undeniable 8-)

Quite the Roller-Coaster

I feel like I've visited a foreign land, which is not something I say a lot when reading new writers! The setting and characters were very clear, as was the author's passion. A recurring grammatical issue (missing periods at the end of dialogue--strange) kept nagging at me, keeping me from really diving in, but the writing was nonetheless reasonably well-crafted. Kudos!

Couldn't Get Drawn In

The author's passion was evident immediately and I wanted very much to like the story, but I found some serious grammatical issues that kept kicking me out...
Nothing some practice can't improve--please keep writing!

Some Assembly Required

The writer's passion and drive is unmistakable! They definitely have a story to tell. Unfortunately there were grammatical issues in almost every sentence, and I just couldn't get past those. Best of luck with future projects!

Simple and Sweet

It's fun to read a story where the author loves their characters. The tone and voice definitely invite the reader to love them too. As a personal taste I like a little more meat to a story, and there were some mildly off-putting grammatical issues, but this writer's passion is undeniable. 8-)

The Challenge

The author's passion and heart for her characters is undeniable--but I want to challenge her to more! I want to challenge a wash-through of some sort of grammar program (or getting feedback from beta readers?) as there were some grammar/punctuation issues that made reading a little difficult.
Moreso, I want to challenge the writer to really dig into the story and Show Us more! One specific example: the 'Zechariah's Point of View', 'Isabelle's Point of View' scene titles. I want to challenge the writer to delete those entirely...and write it so well, so clearly, that the reader KNOWS who has the POV ball from the first sentence of each scene.
She has it in her! I believe this! 8-)

Read This Book Now!!!

Come for the cover, stay for the delightfully intriguing first sentence, and then look up three hours later wondering what just happened?
Do not start reading this one right before bedtime, or mealtime, or anything you can't do while reading...

Hold On Tight

Was reminded of ee cummings as I read, which I say as the sincerest compliment. This isn't a 'book' so much as a journey, no, a deep dive one would be wise to take a full breath before embarking on. Be warned; by the time you reach the surface you might be forever changed...

Maybe it's Me

This might be a case of a reader not getting the writer's voice; there are a number of praising reviews.
But I felt like just about everything was being told to me, and almost nothing shown. I want to feel drawn into a world, I want to see through the eyes of the characters, and instead I felt like the author was sitting across from me at a coffeeshop. 'This happens, and then this happens, and then, oh, this happens!'
The author's passion and fun as a storyteller was evident, and I hope they keep writing.

So Passionate

English is not this author's first language? I'm astonished and impressed--yes, there are issues but the author gets an extra Technical star for the sheer challenge. The passion and dedication to their craft is very obvious; I hope they will keep writing!

Even Steven

The author definitely respects the language, and is not an amateur when it comes to the craft--unfortunately, the...fairly bland story structure and pacing stood out all the more as a result. No question the author is passionate, but I didn't find that passion on the page. It wasn't so much like I was experiencing the story firsthand so much as being told the story by the author across a coffeetable. It wasn't an intimate, 'draw me into the story' experience.

Lovely

It's February; I couldn't pass up a chance to read a celebration of Black History! The writing was clear and concise; a tad dry perhaps but that's just a personal preference. I hope this book sees many more chapters!

Required Reading

This is a rare gem: honest, heartfelt, thoughtful and well-written. I wanna write like you when I grow up!

Raw and So Real

I am astonished at the courage of this author to take something so personal and make it so public. The writing itself is raw--how could it not be? She's relating her own life--but the passion undeniable. I hope this is not the last we see of this author

A good beginning

It's challenging to review something in such an early stage, but what is not in any way rough or uncertain is the author's passion. I hope she will continue writing!!

Read This Book

Read this book if you like westerns.
Read this book if you like coming-of-age stories.
Read this book if you like well-written tales.
Why are you reading this review?
Read this book!

Unexpected Delight

What a unique twist on the age-old tale! The author's voice is clear, the writing crisp and the plot strong. Kudos!

Beautiful

'Brevity is the soul of wit' - this piece as a whole or in parts is remarkable. Brava

Intriguing

Reminiscent of Piers Anthony's 'Incarnations of Immortality' series - a fine, dark narrative

Read This Book

The story does not start bang out of the gate, but this is an observation, not a criticism! (I write such stories my own self.) The author is well able to craft an intriguing character, one who has no difficulty drawing the reader into the meat of the story. There were a few typos/grammar issues, but are so rare as to be only barely worth mentioning.
Thank you for writing something well worth reading!

Excellent

I have literally never read any flash fiction prior to this--I lucked that my entry into the world could be so well written. A classic concept delivered clearly, concisely and yet beautifully. Marvelous!

Feels Unfinished

Was surprised the author at the end asked for a review; was just going to leave a comment. But since they want it...I'm assuming this is still a work in progress? 'Chapter 1' just says 'start writing here', which I can only imagine is a phantom chapter that hasn't been deleted, even though the work has been made available.
The story...was there, I suppose; feels more like a blog post or a one Chapter kind of thing. In addition, the grammar and punctuation could stand with some editing.
Again...I was just going to leave a comment, but the writer specifically asked for a review

Wait for it...

The author has one of the most unique voices I've come across in some time; the word choices are clever, if at times a little too clever (there were a few sentences that seemed inserted not to serve the story, but because perhaps the author liked how they sounded?)
My main struggle was with the plot; I'm not sure there was one. The story felt like, to quote Homer Simpson, "A bunch of stuff that happened." I didn't find a narrative thread, any stakes for the main character...what was the overall goal?
There were shades of Dave Barry's *Big Trouble* or film *The Big Lebowski*; the writer certainly can tap into that particular vein.
But it was just a bunch of stuff that happened. 8-)

A Beautiful Beginning

I hate to leave as low a review, but sincerely hope to add more stars in due time!
The author without question cares about her characters, and asks us to care as well.
Unfortunately, the grammar and structure challenges (the tense changes from past to present often mid-sentence, which is common for new writers) make it very difficult to get into the story itself.
I hope you will keep writing! This story deserves to be told!

Great Potential

The author obviously loves her characters, and invites us to love them also, which is wonderful!
The challenge might be loving them too much? To be captivating, a story must involve conflict. Certainly the fellow children calling Emma 'freak' is conflict, but beyond that...? It felt like any risk of hurt or pain was almost immediately resolved, almost as if the author couldn't bear to put her character in danger.
On the technical side, the abundance of pop-culture references was a bit off-putting for me personally, and there were some grammar issues that kept me from fully engaging with the story.
But Ms. Corsi has created a beautiful world that I wanted to be drawn into, and hope to be in time. 8-)

Didn't Grab Me

I believe this author will go far--there are flashes of brilliance in the prose.
Unfortuately there were a few grammar/punctuation problems, which kept pulling me out of her exciting story. The most severe was a fairly constant switch between present and past tense, often in mid-sentence. One example: "Something falls through the cracks, (present) and pain smiled at her hand (past). The blood drips down (present) - and she could almost hear it drop onto the floor (past)."
I look forward to seeing the story get told the way it deserves! 8-)

Delicious Frosting

Not much depth to the story, but the chocolate frosting is rich and tasty!
The technical skill was pretty tight, save for the new trend at making every bit of dialogue its own paragraph.
One concern...is it ethical for an author to leave themselves a five-star review? That leaves a surprisingly bad taste in my mouth, personally.