CinnamonPearl

Long Island, NY

Just a fantasy writer and animal lover, making my way downtown and trying to get that goshdarn mouse to stop climbing on my face. You know, like a normal person.

No published stories yet

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Fine Start, but Glaring Underlying Problem

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Hi hi, Wolfie! I have your review. The chapter was a good start with an interesting concept, one that's actually really nostalgic for me since it was in my favorite childhood video game (*takes second to reminisce*), but there's a singular, underlying problem with this first chapter. I'll get to that first and then tackle positives.

Problem: It's predictable. Just from this first chapter, I immediately predicted the entire overarching plot, and a very formulaic one too. Just from this first chapter, I got: girl has magical power and is misunderstood, has emotionally and/or physically abusive guardian, was isolated as a child and has tragic backstory because of power, grows up and either makes her first true friendship or love, new friend convinces her to rebel against her guardian, she struggles to, she learns she has to, she does it, maybe has PTSD symptoms mixed in. Does this story sound familiar? It should. This formula is extremely common, so common you can predict the entire plot of a story just by its first few chapters, maybe even its first few lines. A story should never be predictable, especially to this extent! Whether or not this was actually your intended plot (for all I know, she could die in chapter two and Brian from Family Guy becomes the protagonist), this is what immediately jumps out at me. You don't want your first chapter to allow your audience to predict your overarching plot. You want it to intrigue them, excite them, have them asking questions and wondering who these people are, what their stories are. First chapters should raise questions and mysteries and send their readers on a mad dash to get their answers. Being able to predict a plot from a first chapter immediately takes the fun out of the journey. Ya feel?

Now, mayhaps we can move on to some positives! Yay, we love positives! First, I just gotta ask. Where'd you get the idea for this power? Because this is the exact same power as the one in my all-time favorite childhood video game, Pokemon Mystery Dungeons: Explorers of Time. I LOVE that video game, i LOVE the power it made up (called the dimensional scream in the game, actually), but it was the only place I'd ever seen such a power until now! In the game, the main character had to touch an object/person and then could see into either that object's past or its future, if you're idea fishing. I just, this power is such a unique and creative one, and I'm so excited to finally be seeing it again! That might just be the nostalgia talking, though.

(Wouldn't it be awkward if I had the wrong story, and the author is just really confused right now? Jesus Christ, Little Cow, GET OFF THE KEYBOARD, I'M TRYING TO WRITE.)

Moving on. Besides the big problem I spoke about (LITTLE COW GET OFF MY HANDS GODDAMMIT) before, this first chapter is good. (LITTLE COW GET OFF MY FACE AUGH.) It sets up the story well. I'm always a fan of stories that don't start at the very beginning, so this is a good, how do you say, segway into the tale. (STOOOOP.) I'm guessing it's going to flash forward to her teen years? The writing is good too.

Tip time? Try to learn some smoother ways to write and speak. Your writing style is good, but it's just a touch bumpy. Trust me, you could be in much worse shape. You're right about ready to graduate to that really nice, smoothly flowing writing style that we all strive for so much, so learn a few different ways to organize your sentences, and you'll achieve that.

Okay, review done! Whoop! I'll swoop on off and see how you're doing with the dragon book. Also, send an assassin after Little Cow please? I'll pay you back, thanks.

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