Sure was Something
This story was I believe about a serial killer who likes to think he’s snake from metal gear and who is dating that lady from the walking dead who carries a katana…no but seriously this thing is a glorious train wreck from start to finish.
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The main character Syn, though characterized as a no nonsense strong type (and by characterized I mean the narrator told me) seems to come across more as someone who revels in random acts of murder and necromancy on the side, well unless it was a typo that in the last scene with Liwin he’s brought in by two guards even though he straight up murdered one already. His actions seem to wildly conflict with how the story wants to have him come across, having him state he would rather not kill someone only to then have him straight up stab one in the chest a second later. Not to mention truth be told when all is said and done I know nothing more about the man then what I was told.
The narrator of this story has grown self-aware, feeding on character moments and entire scenes and just expositing them as word vomit, whether it be telling me events I would rather have seen such as the first words Syn spoke to Zilla after killing people, or even just deciding it’s gonna swallow the room he enters to do his work and regurgitate every single object on his desk in such succinct clarity I now believe I was sitting at that desk the day I first logged into the internet. Similarly the process he uses to design the super space BFG 9000 takes about a paragraph longer than it needs to; bogging the pace so far I genuinely thought I might never see the light again.
Once things kick in and action begins happening I got significantly less draggy and even enjoyed some of Syns dialogue when it wasn’t being added to weird sentences or used to say one liners so pat I was able to have a friend recite the whole light leaving your eyes line ver-batim without them looking at the story. Truth be told the later elements, especially the second scene with Michonne made up for a lot of the middles near frozen pace, I like their dynamic as a couple and am curious to see how they fare by the end.
I’d say that this story has some serious issues, mostly related to a lack of pacing toward the middle and a lack of personality short of sociopath for our main. But overall outside of that the framework has promise and after a little editing that promise will show through a lot better.