I enjoyed the prologue to this story. It is definitely the beginning of a great book. However, There are a few things that I would change. For example, the tenses are all thrown off. In one sentence you're in the past, then you're in the present, and it makes it a bit difficult to read. I would also be aware of run-on sentences or sentences that don't really make sense. Run through your writing with a fine-tooth comb and find the parts that don't make sense while you're going through it. They usually stick out from the rest of the good writing. Overall, though, it was very good and I look forward to reading the rest of it. If you could read and comment on one of (or both of, your choice) my stories, it would be greatly appreciated. Keep on writing!
Read the story now