moomoo

221b Baker Street

Writer; lover of coffee, boba, tea & sherlock holmes

No published stories yet

Overall Rating
Plot
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Grammar Punctuation

Awesome drama

Overall the story is captivating, and I was quite tuned into Chapter three's drama. The only minor problem this story has is the lack of commas or "periods". Like during dialogues: "Hi{,]" she said or "Bye[.]". There isn't the constant use of it in the dialogues. Other than that, it's only been five chapters, but I would recommend it to sci-fi fanatics. Keep on writing, fellow author.

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Overall Rating
Plot
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Has potential

Hello, good day.

So, for the prologue--though it is understandable to create a mysterious aura to draw readers in, I was drawn but rather confused with the imagery (this is due to the way how the first paragraph was written: "...stained, the beads along the edges" --edges of what? or which part of the cloth?

Other minor things:
- he could have moved faster than [the] wind
- They said he [was] back

There were some tenses that weren't consistent. Also found in Chapter 1 but quite minor, only a few tweaks for present tense words to become past tense--since your whole narrative is in the past tense.

The plot:
- Well, it's still too early but I'm warming up to Quin, an interesting character who's going against the norms concerning his hair. Despite showing signs being a playboy.
- I like the world you've built: the portrayal of culture, especially the names of the places
- Did I read too fast? I still don't know her name. But may she not be a mary sue, I hope, who is rather skilled in what she does: planting and pin making. Quite skilled. Perhaps the reasons for such would be explained in the later chapters. I suspect she is of higher birth, no? But, eh, there're just my presumptions.

The writing style/technical writing skills
- I appreciate you applying proper periods and commas for conversations
- the prologue may need a bit more "umph"--the happenings/surroundings weren't vividly shown to me: Yes, I would understand its vagueness, but, since it's in 1st person POV, maybe write it when the girl is buried in snow as she heard the crunch of freshly fallen snow on the ground near her.
- The last paragraph was confusing to me, but I understand if it is meant to be a cliff hanger, in which the next chapters will have to explain why both of them were dead.

So, the rating is for the 2 parts. The story has great potential indeed.

Anyway, I'm no professional editor and I may be incorrect, but this critique is from the knowledge I've acquired over the years. Have a good day.

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Overall Rating
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The writing style is like poetry.

Though there isn't much chapters to tell where the plot would lead but you've already built quite a nice foundation for intrigue (the witch and a prince) and the writing made me stay. However, there is a bit of confusion on my part: Tyrell pulled her away and yet the next paragraph says they were now hand in hand together--nonetheless, I shall await for the plot to unfold.

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