An interesting concept that needs a lot of polish
I want to start with the things I liked. I read the summary, and thought, “hey, this could be a great sci-fi space story, and I like sci-fi.” Reading the first chapter, I can tell that with some work and rewriting this concept could be turned into an interesting story.
Read the story now
I also want to praise the author for the lack of spelling mistakes. Most first time author’s works are littered in spelling mistakes (including my own early works).
I took off stars in grammar and punctuation because the the sentence structure and grammar could use a lot of work. The chapter is littered with run on sentences and sentence fragments.
What really needs work is the author’s implementation of their idea. They spend the first two thirds of the chapter explaining the character’s life up to this point and the details of the world. The world concept seems interesting, but the execution through explanation is terribly boring. I had to fight my desire to start skimming or just quit reading while going through this section. It reads like a concept summary and not an actual story.
This can be improved by removing this section and slowly releasing this information through the story. This allows me (the reader) to learn about the world and the characters backstory while having actual events happening that keep my interest. You can show some of this information by starting your story with a couple days of school and maybe have the main character receive money from their absent parents.
The next section of the chapter has time entries. I think this is where the chapter should start. Except remove the mirror part. I did that in one of my early stories as well, and it makes me shudder every time I see it. The mirror is the young author cliche way of telling your reader how the main character looks. Don’t fall for that trap. Do anything but that.
Also, when you finish a flashback, don’t tell your reader you finished the flashback. They are smart, let them figure it out. (Always assume your reader is smart and let them figure things out for themselves. Readers enjoy a story that challenges their brain). If you want an example of a story that starts in medias res and does a large flashback masterfully I recommend reading Robin McKinley’s “The Hero and the Crown”.
I think you have potential, but you really need to work on your writing style. I recommend writing some short stories and taking writing classes to polish your skills.