Cameronforrest

A life is a story worth the telling.

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Not hooked yet...

I found the pace of this story to be a bit slow. There are quite a few characters and each gets an introduction. There doesn't seem to be a main character, and with the focus constantly shifting, it becomes confusing.

This purports to be SciFi,, but it is very weak on the Sci component. A civilization apparently capable of interstellar travel seems to otherwise use technology that is very similar to what we have now. Even their medical equipment seems very basic. I can't help but wonder that such a civilization would apparently bring along a completely conventional ship to do ocean exploration, rather than observe from orbit or use drones or something. Maybe other readers won't question these things, but they really bother this one. Perhaps some of this will be clarified later, but if not I would suggest that the author think through what a truly interstellar civilization might be like.

I did like some of the character development, and there does seem to be some real "characters" on the ship. I also like the fact that a large proportion of the crew are women, and that there is quite a bit of diversity.

The writing style is fair to good. There are quite a few grammatical errors and some instances where the author switches tense within a paragraph. Some of the paragraphs are overly long and could use division. This is particularly important for this format because most readers are using small-screen devices, and it is hard to follow if the paragraph is larger than a single screen. The work could use a careful edit.

To summarize, I think the story needs improvement. I hope I have not been discouraging, but I only do honest reviews.

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How it's done!

I really liked the story, mainly because it goes into a lot of physical detail about how this woman masturbates, and it seems very realistic. That is something you don't often read: real and detailed descriptions of sexual practices, almost unembellished by excess or exageration.

You might consider adding a bit more about what the subject is thinking. Does she have detailed fantasies or just vague, ephemeral thoughts? I think that could add more spice to the story.

Personally I don't like the last line, when we are told that someone is coming in the door. Before that it had been so positive, and peaceful in a way. Given the level of shame our society loads onto masturbation, the last line delivers a negative tension that kind of spoils what came before. It would be different if there was another chapter; then the story could reach a resolution. But as it is, I think it just leaves a negative residue on a story that was otherwise so positive.

I really like your work! Take the above as an attempt at constructive criticism.

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Promising, but...

For this reader, the story was not very compelling. I found the beginning to be good, but the rest of the story did not really make me sweat the way erotic writing should.

I think what is missing for me is more about how things actually feel. Most of this is told from the female/sub's perspective, but the story lacks explanation of why she finds this kind of relationship to be so stimulating for her. What is it about the relationship that so excites her, that makes her want to submit? I don't get a good sense of that.

Along the same lines, the sex scenes had a good physical description, but lacked much insight into how it actually felt for the participants, particularly the sub. Physical sensation is notoriously difficult to describe, but I think you have to make more of an effort to with this story. The physical and the emotional.

There are many grammatical issues here: poor sentence structure, run-on sentences, issues with comma use etc. This needs a thorough editing. Many of the paragraphs are too long and should be broken. This is an issue when reading on a small screen. With my screen there is a formatting issue in the second chapter where many word pairs are combined into a single word, e.g. "Showme", "tugginglightly".

There is promise here, but it needs work. I hope this is helpful.

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Promising start to the series

In general fantasy is not my favourite genre. Nevertheless I enjoyed reading this novella.

I really liked the main character, Alieda. I love how she is such a strong and free spirit, going out alone into the mountains for days on end. She is so talented and skillful, as a dancer, as a woodswoman, as a farmer. I am sure she will be a great character to develop, as what is sure to be a long series of novels is written and published.

The novel introduces an entire world which resembles our own but has some obvious and important differences. One criticism I do have is that at this early stage in the series, the reader knows little about this world, its history or inhabitants, and that hinders the reader’s understanding of what is going on. For example, the Summary mentions several things; the “Seal of Silence”, a former evil ruler; that are not touched upon at all in the story. Of course I understand that these things will be explained at some point, but for this novella the Summary does not seem to relate to the story that is actually told.

As a further example, the Prologue introduces a character, Grey, who we barely meet again until the Epilogue. It seems also that the world is shared with at least one other intelligent (sort of) species, grakken gnomes, with whom humans seem to be in a state of conflict. This seems like a fairly important thing, but is barely touched upon in the novella. And again, the importance and powers of Grey’s staff remain unknown to us.

Of course I understand that this is only the beginning, and there is merit to leaving room for the characters and the setting to develop, rather than locking them early on. Still, this is the novella I read, and for me the set and setting were not developed enough for me to really get a handle on the plot, and to understand the motivations of some of the characters. I also found the plot a bit slow for the first several chapters. The pace of the novella seems more in line with a much longer piece, rather than the short one we have. I am sure these issues will be resolved as the series continues, but I would suggest that publishing this piece as a complete novel in the series would not be the best idea, because to me at least it seems underdeveloped.

The writing style is excellent: simple and direct with some stylistic and vocabulary flourishes, which I actually liked. Grammar and spelling are all but perfect. I noticed only one typo, in chapter 23 where “brought” is misspelled and “brough”.

All in all an impressive work and I can see how it could develop into a long and successful series.

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Great so far...

(up to chapter 4)
The story certainly starts out quickly! You really hook the reader with that first hook-up. The sex scene is quite good. My one criticism is that it could be longer and more detailed, but that is a personal preference.

The voice of the story seems a little strange to me. Mostly it is told from Olivia's point of view, but a few times it switches to one of the male characters. This is okay but I find it a bit jarring, and prefer it when the world is seen from one character, at least within a chapter.

The plot seems to be progressing well. Since a review should offer constructive criticism, I will say that I find some aspects of the plot to lack plausibility. For example, Olivia is sent off on assignment for the CIA without even being given a file on the person who is supposed to be her husband. Another example: at the end of chapter 4, her boyfriend suddenly appears in her hotel room, apparently able to bypass security and presumably locked doors. I suggest that you could do a better job of explaining these things, and that would make the story more plausible.

Technically the piece is very well written and I noticed very few errors in spelling or grammar.

All in all a good job so far, and I look forward to reading the rest.

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Really interesting concept!

(up to Chapter 3)
First of all, I love the concept! As far as I know, humans are the only primate that is sexually receptive outside of oestrus. All others, and indeed all other mammals, do go through a kind of "heat". It is really interesting to think how different human society would be, or indeed if we could have formed a real society at all, if humans had the more typical breeding pattern. After all, we would be ruled by our hormones to an even greater extent than we are now.

I like the use of first person voice and the way you use it to describe how it feels to be in "heat". You make it quite vivid. It would be a good idea to explore this further, to really emphasize the hunger, because that is what is going to make this story unique.

The writing style is fair-good, a bit awkward in places. There are also some obvious errors in grammar. These issues could be remedied with a careful edit.

So, good work so far. I am intrigued and will continue to follow the story.

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Not sure what the point is...

First some positives: You are a good writer. Your prose is generally easy to understand yet quite expressive. Technically the writing is very good, with few (but some) errors in grammar and spelling.

Unfortunately I found the story to be relentlessly depressing. Of course I don't expect my fiction to be all about heroes saving the victims and slaying the monsters, but there has to be a reason to keep reading.

As it was, I barely made it through the 20 chapters. Nothing much happens as the protagonist recites his endless litany of pain, tedium and pointlessness. Given his situation, that is not so surprising, but we lack context as to how all this came about, and that would have made it far more interesting to me. Of course we know it is the result of a nuclear holocaust, but that is about all we know: no details are provided. A backstory would have made the whole thing much more palatable to me.

In addition, the narrator is not a very sympathetic character, and in the end I can't make myself care what happens to him. The fact that he is the only character with any development in the story does not help matters.

I guess what I am saying is that you have to give the reader a reason to read on. In this story, there is simply no hope for any sort of a resolution beyond slow, relentless decline and death. So I won't be reading any more of it.

I realize this is a negative review, but I have resolved to be honest in my reviews. There seems no point otherwise. However I understand if you do not want this review to remain, and I don't want to drag you down as a writer. Therefore I will remove this review if you ask me to.

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Quality work

(up to Chapter 18)
It is very refreshing to find such a well-written piece of work on this site. The story seems to be progressing well, the characters are well-founded, and the setting is nicely described.

Technically the writing is very good, and there is little to find fault with. However, a review is supposed to be helpful, so here are a few things:

There are some minor grammatical errors, but they usually occur within dialogue, which may make them intentional.

Some of the paragraphs are overly long in my opinion, and there are obvious points where they could be divided. This is important particularly for this medium, because many are reading this on a very small screen, so it makes scrolling inconvenient.

Some of the chapter divisions did not make sense to me, i.e. they seem to occur at a point in the plot where there is no obvious need for a division.

I noticed a few paragraphs where the tense changes within the paragraph, from present to past, for no obvious reason, and I found it a bit jarring. One example occurs when old Mr Smith comes into the pub, and I think there were a couple of others.

These are minor points in an otherwise well-written piece.

Even though this is not my preferred genre, I will probably keep reading this piece. It reminds me a bit of authors like Conan-Doyle, who I have not read since school. I think many would love this story if they get to read it. I hope it finds an audience.

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Great start!

The story has a strong opening! I don't recall ever reading a story that started quite in this way. I also like the way it is structured so far, shifting the POV between her and him.

Another thing that I like is the use of first person in a story like this, and I think it is a courageous thing to do. This opens up possibilities in erotic fiction to really express the sensual in these encounters, something that can be incredibly hot. I hope you do that more in later chapters.

The first sex scene was moderately hot, but I would have preferred more detail and a happier ending for her. However I realize that the hotter stuff is likely to come later in the story. As I said above I suggest you try to describe how it feels for both partners. This can be difficult but also very effective.

There is a problem with tense in parts of the story. Some parts are written in present tense, then suddenly shift to past tense mid-paragraph. This is jarring for the reader and I am not sure what the intention is with this.

I noted several mistakes in spelling and grammar, and I wish I could point them out for you, but unfortunately this platform does not seem to have an easy way to do that.

All in all a good start, keep it up!

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Never liked MMF, but...

I've never been attracted to the idea of MMF, but I really enjoyed this, I think because it is told from the woman's perspective.

The storyline was quite good. My only criticism was that it lacked a a bit of tension. The one main theme was her discomfort with how others might perceive her relationship with the two men. While this is certainly relatable, it is, perhaps, a bit thin to build an entire novella around. At times it seemed like it was just a way to link the sex scenes. However this is a minor criticism, and this is a far more complete story than most erotic fiction I have read.

The sex scenes were well done. I might have preferred a bit more detail, but that is just me. They were definitely...stimulating.

Technically this is very well written. I found no spelling or punctuation errors. There is a formatting error in one of the chapters where the paragraphs are not separated by spaces, whereas they are in the others. In chapter 11 there is one line where "Caleb ran his hand lovingly down Caleb's back." which I think must be wrong.

All in all a really enjoyable read.

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Poetry for those who think they don't like poetry

I don't read poetry, generally, but I really liked this!
I found it quite moving in the way it evokes the straitjacket of gender norms, and how we often feel incapable of deviating from these, even when we want to. I remember feeling the same way as a young man, over 40 years ago now. In fact I may even have written a poem or two about it (smiley face).
I really don't know how to judge the writing style in a piece like this, beyond saying that I liked it. As I said I know little about poetry and how it is structured. But it worked for me.
I did not see any issues with spelling, punctuation or grammar.

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Promising

Overall I like this story so far. It caught my attention and I can easily relate to the main characters for whom books and reading are so important.

The writing is simple, not flowery, and quite direct. Perhaps a little spare: it would`not hurt to put a bit more description in. After all the world of 1940`s England is foreign to almost everyone now. I don`t really have a visual picture of the characters in my mind, which is something I like to have when I read.

On a technical level there is an overuse of commas, i.e. there are many cases where there are commas when they are not necessary. Also, I question the paragraph structure in some instances of dialogue. There are paragraph breaks when one character is speaking, which to me are distracting and unnecessary. For example (not from the book!):

```Hi,`` said Julie.

``Want to go to the cafe with me?"

I would write the above in one paragraph, even continuing on the same line, whereas in many cases you do not. For me it makes it difficult to determine who is speaking if it is written as above.

I did find some other spelling and grammatical errors, but I couldn't figure out a way to mark them within Inkitt. Is there one? That would be very useful for reviewers and authors...

I like the plot so far and will continue to read it if more chapters become available. I am particularly intrigued by acquisition of a sailing dinghy as I was a keen sailor in my youth. Keep it up!

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Not ready...

The story might be improved structurally by being less direct, and focusing on the experiences of the main human character (Alma) rather than switching between the supernatural and human character. This could be done by, for example, focussing more on Alma's story and telling the supernatural background through dialogue with the angel. To me this would make the story more relatable.

I am afraid I find the writing style to be quite awkward. Sometimes there are differences in tense within a sentence, or structural subject/object problems. The story will require careful editing probably by an outside editor to improve the style.

Similarly there are quite a few grammatical errors in the piece.

On a positive not the story is quite original and it does leave me wondering how things will progress. The story has a fast pace that keeps the reader interested.

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Stories that left me wondering...

These stories are very well written. They have a "slow burn" quality that I like, but I fear won't be too popular on this platform, which seems to be dominated by fantasy and simple romance. Some of them seem incomplete to me, but I understand some of them are sequels and prequels to stories I haven't read.

The first story seemed to go nowhere to me, at first, but then I found myself thinking about it hours later. The relationship that might-have-been. I think all of us recognize the situation.

The second story made me think of the Beetles song Norwegian Wood for some reason. Just a quality I guess. Left me wondering where things would go. Same with the fourth and fifth stories, but it does say "to be continued".

The final story I didn't really like. It all seemed rather contrived and unlikely, that she would just leave like that, with no further contact, then suddenly reappear and that would work out. Seems to stretch credibility to me. I realize this is a follow-up to something I haven't read but it didn't engage me like some of the other stories.

Technically I find the writing and style to be very good. There are a few spelling and grammatical errors but these seem like typos mainly and can be easily addressed with a careful edit. I would prefer it if related stories were published together, or maybe re-arranged into a novel, because now I might never know what happens, or what happened before. So you might consider doing that at some point.

I enjoyed your work. Thanks.

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