DavidFrenkel

Needs Work but Action Packed.

Hey, first off I liked the action at the beginning. Something about it really showed what was happening. Herah and Rose's battle in particular, out of the two chapters, really seemed to hit the nail on the head. At first I really couldn't tell what was happening, because of lack of description, but then by chapter two I think you said too much. It might be better to slowly add the background to the story; It makes it easier to read, and sometimes it can be like finding cookies. If you give me too much at once, I won't want to eat anymore.

Your grammar also needs a ton of work:
There are comma splices here and there throughout. Remember two independent clauses must be joined by a conjunction. (e.g. The man went to the zoo, she was there(comma splice - pretty much means the comma is used instead of a period separating two complete ideas.) needs to be so: The man went to the zoo, and she was there) A independent clause has both a subject and a verb.
The dialogue needs to be broken up.
New paragraph for a new character's lines. (You did this on the second page with the dad)
Some work on run on sentences.

Also, for the writing style piece it might be good to give your reader a chance to breathe. Some of your paragraphs are so long I literally couldn't see the end of it as I was reading it. At some parts this didn't bother me, but my eyes eventually tired out by Chapter 2. If this was printed it might be different, but this is read on a computer.

I hope this review helps, and it wasn't too much of a bummer. I enjoyed the read, and the powers of the characters were awesome. Hope you keep writing it.

The road that went right

I like the flow of this story, and how I seemed to carry me along with each word. Overall, I would say it had a lovely tone. It's the kind of book I can see wanting to give to a son, or a daughter. The adventure seemed more geared to children, but as an adult I still found it entertaining. The only issue maybe worth mentioning is on inkitt it's hard to find your place once you leave. Either you could break it up, or you could leave it the way it is. I hope you keep on making stories like this.

Needs More style

Hey Brittani, I really liked the beginning of your story with Destiny, and all the mysteries riddled behind her at the start. Though, unfortunately, I found the amount of characters introduced at once to be too much for me to handle, and somewhat overwhelming. For example, I met the two men, she got close to them, and all of a sudden she was in a court room after someone died. It was very fast like that sentence.

I think as a writer - advice I have gotten about my own writing before - you need to give the reader time between new characters and events. Some things I've seen in others writing is omitting a characters name if they are unimportant, having a crowd talk, or completely avoiding identifying said person. Regardless, it is still very interesting, and I hope you keep working on it.

Also, for something to try, add more nouns. I once heard Walt Whitman described them as the most important parts of a sentence. Moreover, work on commas and when to end a sentence. And I hope you found this review helpful. Keep working on it!

The Ominous.

Hey, I think this is a great start of a story, but I think it needs heavy editing. The first thing I would suggest is working on the first chapter. I found the second chapter much better than the first, and some good chapters here, and bad chapters there. I like the idea of Hybrids, and I like the dilemma, but I need more descriptions to tell me where I am. It moves so fast that I get lost in translation, even though I can tell what's going on, and it would be more enjoyable for me if you showed more to clear the scene up some. Keep working on it!.

Romance

It's an interesting story about two very unlikely people who are in a love-hate relationship with each other. I will admit that the grammar does throw me off a little bit, and the flow overall could use some fine tuning. For example, when you switch from Isaac to Kiera. I feel like it can sometimes completely disrupt the flow of your writing. It might help to somehow switch naturally, if you are up for the challenge (I know it's a lot of work). Moreover, I also feel like some details are missing from the start of the story. You have a lot to say, and say a lot, but sometimes the lack of description, about the environment, and the characters make it to hard to get fully immersed in the narrative. Overall, work on commas. You can't have a verb after a comma unless you have a conjunction, and you must remember that each sentence needs a verb and a noun to be complete. Also, when your quoting a character it's double quotations (i.e. "Hi") and usually single quotes (I.e. 'this') are meant to be used for a characters thoughts. So, keep fine tuning,challenge yourself, and continue writing.

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Amorously Immersive

Wonderful, light romance that takes place in a different country then my own. Loved reading about Nichol, and her adventures. It seems like a pathway back into the teenage mind; Back when you found yourself changing everyday, and everything was fresh and new. I think all this story needs is some more events, and characters in between the lovely, gooey developing romance between Nichol and her love. Overall, I'm excited to see what happens next.

Captivating and Chilling

As the story starts, it immerses you in the dark, curious life of Diana- It's spellbinding in the use of verbs, short, powerful phrases, and compelling transitions. .

Beginning-Middle

A scientific, novel dive into family history that is spellbinding as the chapters move forward. If there is one weakness, it's the beginning(Minding this is a WIP) is a little hard to unravel However, as the chapters go on you find yourself immersed inside the story.

Hooked

I usually don't find myself so caught on the first chapter of a book. However, I found your story a very compelling page turner. I was immediately drawn in and wondered what the bars were, and what the abyss was. Here and there you have some typos, and a few grammar quirks, but overall it is very captivating. I did notice one thing, and that was by around chapter 2 I felt like I wanted a few more crumbs. It still kept me reading, but I started getting confused. However, other than that I want to see this story keep developing. Keep working on it!

Romantic and Cute

I thought it was a very cute story. I had a little bit of difficulty with the first chapter, but absolutely adored the second chapter, and everything that happened after that was really sweet; I liked reading once upon a time, and then hearing the story. I almost wonder if you could introduce it earlier without being too cliche. Regardless, well done.

Transition comments

I really like how this book is on amazon. I can already tell that this story fits much better on amazon then it does here. It's hard to remember the cast of characters without the pictures, and I think you may have to rewrite it without those pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words may be a cliche, but you would need at least a few more paragraphs to substitute them. You are really losing a lot of information by getting rid of those sixty pictures, and I hope inkitt will soon make it possible to post them here. Otherwise, I found the story quite a good kids story especially for children in middle school. Hope this helps!

Fancifully descriptive

An unusual story about two young girls well written with descriptive, interesting metaphors, and a cast of characters that keeps you reading.