DavidFrenkel

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Needs More style

Hey Brittani, I really liked the beginning of your story with Destiny, and all the mysteries riddled behind her at the start. Though, unfortunately, I found the amount of characters introduced at once to be too much for me to handle, and somewhat overwhelming. For example, I met the two men, she got close to them, and all of a sudden she was in a court room after someone died. It was very fast like that sentence.

I think as a writer - advice I have gotten about my own writing before - you need to give the reader time between new characters and events. Some things I've seen in others writing is omitting a characters name if they are unimportant, having a crowd talk, or completely avoiding identifying said person. Regardless, it is still very interesting, and I hope you keep working on it.

Also, for something to try, add more nouns. I once heard Walt Whitman described them as the most important parts of a sentence. Moreover, work on commas and when to end a sentence. And I hope you found this review helpful. Keep working on it!

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Romance

It's an interesting story about two very unlikely people who are in a love-hate relationship with each other. I will admit that the grammar does throw me off a little bit, and the flow overall could use some fine tuning. For example, when you switch from Isaac to Kiera. I feel like it can sometimes completely disrupt the flow of your writing. It might help to somehow switch naturally, if you are up for the challenge (I know it's a lot of work). Moreover, I also feel like some details are missing from the start of the story. You have a lot to say, and say a lot, but sometimes the lack of description, about the environment, and the characters make it to hard to get fully immersed in the narrative. Overall, work on commas. You can't have a verb after a comma unless you have a conjunction, and you must remember that each sentence needs a verb and a noun to be complete. Also, when your quoting a character it's double quotations (i.e. "Hi") and usually single quotes (I.e. 'this') are meant to be used for a characters thoughts. So, keep fine tuning,challenge yourself, and continue writing.

. .

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Amorously Immersive

Wonderful, light romance that takes place in a different country then my own. Loved reading about Nichol, and her adventures. It seems like a pathway back into the teenage mind; Back when you found yourself changing everyday, and everything was fresh and new. I think all this story needs is some more events, and characters in between the lovely, gooey developing romance between Nichol and her love. Overall, I'm excited to see what happens next.

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Captivating and Chilling

As the story starts, it immerses you in the dark, curious life of Diana- It's spellbinding in the use of verbs, short, powerful phrases, and compelling transitions. .

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Hooked

I usually don't find myself so caught on the first chapter of a book. However, I found your story a very compelling page turner. I was immediately drawn in and wondered what the bars were, and what the abyss was. Here and there you have some typos, and a few grammar quirks, but overall it is very captivating. I did notice one thing, and that was by around chapter 2 I felt like I wanted a few more crumbs. It still kept me reading, but I started getting confused. However, other than that I want to see this story keep developing. Keep working on it!

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Romantic and Cute

I thought it was a very cute story. I had a little bit of difficulty with the first chapter, but absolutely adored the second chapter, and everything that happened after that was really sweet; I liked reading once upon a time, and then hearing the story. I almost wonder if you could introduce it earlier without being too cliche. Regardless, well done.

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Transition comments

I really like how this book is on amazon. I can already tell that this story fits much better on amazon then it does here. It's hard to remember the cast of characters without the pictures, and I think you may have to rewrite it without those pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words may be a cliche, but you would need at least a few more paragraphs to substitute them. You are really losing a lot of information by getting rid of those sixty pictures, and I hope inkitt will soon make it possible to post them here. Otherwise, I found the story quite a good kids story especially for children in middle school. Hope this helps!

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Fancifully descriptive

An unusual story about two young girls well written with descriptive, interesting metaphors, and a cast of characters that keeps you reading.

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