I've read the first few chapters and I can tell that you spent a lot of time on the story and plot. It has wonderful potential in becoming a great story, but the hardest thing for me is the writing style. I just wanted to give a small critique to help build up a stronger foundation on the style. Please don't take this negatively, because I'm telling you this because I can see the story becoming stronger. I wouldn't say this if I didn't care.
First, break up the paragraphs a bit more, when you change subject in a paragraph it should be a new paragraph. Your paragraph seems to run long and can become a jumble of confusion if not broken up.
Second, and the final thing I really noticed, show some action with the dialogue between the characters. If you don't do this it will become harder to tell who's saying what. For example: "Hi there," Diana waved at the author. This way you can tell that someone is doing something while speaking as well as who said it.
This story can become something amazing and very enjoyable to read, just fix these few things and it will be easier on the readers to understand the story. I know you can become an amazing writer, I can already tell in this story alone. You just need a little more practice in the style. Good luck on the competition.
I really enjoy the basic plot of this story. It's simple to understand and played at a different angle than most stories done like this. I can see how you worked hard to really develop the characters.
But with this, I do have a suggestion. I haven't read what you fully have yet, so this may be fixed later. But just a suggestion that will make the reading part easier to understand.
You have long paragraphs that sometimes don't fully connect to itself. So breakup the paragraphs so that when a new topic shows up, it's a new paragraph. It helps readers keep track of the story without rambling and confusion.
Also sometimes it's difficult to tell who is talking sometimes. So don't be afraid to add an action with the quote to tell who is saying it. You can get ideas on how in most book available.
I really think this story has great value, I just wanted to tell you this so you can improve the writing, thus making the story even better.
Don't get discouraged by my suggestions, everyone has a hard time writing at the beginning. I even make mistakes. You learn from them, and improve. That's what makes a great author.
Good luck! I look forward to what comes from your future stories.
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