D.T. Wilkinson

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Well structured

This is the second of your stories I have read and the second I have enjoyed. Keep up the good work. I would like this story to reach novella or novel length as it feels as though there is plenty to be learned about the two main characters. Liked the use of 'outwith; which I don't hear too often.

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I liked it

The story read like a parable which was appropriate for the plot. I enjoyed the way it flitted along as though you were catching snatches of it at a pace, and the (for want of a better word) old-fashionedness of it. It played out almost in the style of a Hammer Horror movie, with a clear beginning, middle, and end..
The one downside is that there are only a few characters so you soon realise how it is going to pan out, but that doesn't really detract from it overall.

Aside from a couple of spelling and grammatical errors, the whole thing was structured well. I'd enjoy reading more.

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Enjoyable

When I reached the end I wanted to read more, which is probably the best review you can get for a short work in progress. There are grammatical and punctuation errors here and there but these can be ironed out through the editing that always takes place on a work in progress.

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Engaging

I enjoyed the flow of the writing and the darkness that escalated as the story progressed. Works as a short story but could also be bulked out to make a longer novella with a few more peripheral characters. The ending occurs to you some time before it is revealed, but it really doesn't detract from the overall tone of it, which was modern with a touch of Lovecraft. Grammar and punctuation was excellent bar one error I spotted (taught rope should be taut rope). I'll definitely look forward to reading more.

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Needs work

The main problem I had was with the overuse of adjectives. It reads like you have been writing it with a thesaurus in hand; perhaps it was intended to convey some sense of something, but - if so - that has been lost. The first line (Gliding gently through the bitter, wintry, piercing, icy- cold, frosty, perishing, biting, unwelcoming, unfriendly, viscous, devilish air, the delicate, graceful, papery, wispy, airy, silky, patterned snowflake lands on the colossal, gigantic, enormous, mammoth - sized, vast floor) could've been written in half a dozen words, and the almost comical overuse of adjectives makes it difficult to engage with the story throughout. The reader almost scans over them to get to the heart of the text.

There's also many spelling and grammatical errors, including overuse of the hyphen, jumping between tenses, misuse of punctuation, and two spelling errors in the story title (to name but a few). I think it needs to be redrafted a couple of times and really thought about before it has a chance to become engaging.

In regards to plot, I don't think there's enough of a plot yet. I can see the idea being developed further, but for now it is too short to comment on; it feels like a fragment of a story rather than a story.

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Needs work

I don't like to leave reviews when I don't have much to say that the writer may consider 'nice', but I really found this to be incredibly difficult to read, largely due to the poor levels of grammar and punctuation, and the constant flicking between past tense and present tense. As a reader, it is a tough ask to engage with the story when every line contains multiple errors - you end up noticing that instead of the story.

The stream-of-consciousness style of the writing could work but needs to be refined a little - the usage means there isn't much chance for preamble. Things just happen.

All we know about the character is her hair colour, eye colour, and that she eats human hearts. I think she needs to be padded out a little before the gore is revealed. Setting the scene in some way would give the story more depth.

The story requires what most stories require in order to make them work - rereading and editing again and again and again. And again. This feels like the earliest possible draft and needs to be tweaked and changed and thought about in detail.. I would suggest really reading through it in detail and thinking about every word, Make your long sentences shorter, or split them up with punctuation, and have each separate piece of dialogue on a new line. It helps with reading.

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