E_W_Hemmings

A fifteen year-old part-time emo, part-time geek with the dream of being published one day.

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There's nothing else quite like this!

First of all, sorry this review took so long: I've had science mocks recently and then when I came to read this, I made notes to put in the review like I usually do... but then I deleted them. Well done me. As a result, this review is a bit more general than most reviews I write, but hey ho, let's get on with it!

The combination of horror and humour is going to be a good one, in my opinion. The contrast between the first scene where TJ was pretending to be Musashi (your writing in that scene was excellent, by the way!) and then the scene in his back garden was great - not to mention hilarious! I don't know if you've given your story a bit of an edit since I read it, but the humour itself seems to have a lot more polish than it did, as I thought some of it was a bit crude. Finally, your writing style was masterful throughout, especially in the more horror-ish bits.

I would've given a bit more constructive criticism if I could.... but I kind of can't. So well done on getting that reaction out of me, and keep writing! :)

- Em

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Overall Rating
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There's potential here!

The first thing I have to say about this story is that the concept of this story is a clever one, and that's what intrigued me enough to click on it. Although the more detailed feedback I have for you now seems negative, don't get too down about it, because you do have potential as a writer and with some redrafting and a good ol' edit, this really could be great.

Chapter 1
- I would tweak the bit where you mention that Alina's father 'panicked if he lost sight of her for more than a couple of hours', as it seems a tad unrealistic. I'd say 'he panicked if he lost sight of her for more than fifteen minutes'.
- 'her father was like a god' - I don't know if you'd agree with me on this one, but I'd apply this metaphor more to someone hot. You could tweak it, but it might be just me (hahah!)
- In my opinion, the first half of the chapter, when you tell us all about how Alina's mum died and what happened afterwards, could be told in a more imaginative way. I feel like at this point, it kind of burps along like anyone else would tell a story in real life, and by making it more imaginative, you turn it into YOUR story.
- Typo: 'Her legs felted weak under her'.
- 'I'm going to the supermarket to buy food and stuff' - this feels too informal for Alina's dad, and to be fair, you don't really hear a lot of parents saying'stuff', eh? Change simply to 'I'm going to the supermarket'.
- 'the father of the blonde' - just use her dad's name! (I forgot what it was, sorry).

Chapter 2
- Spelling error: 'The hours past'
- 'He was the boy of her dreams'. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! INSTA-LOVE! CUT! CUT! CUT! (Sorry about that, but think about it: I'm pretty sure nobody has ever found their soulmate just by looking at them once, unless you know anyone who can prove me wrong, ahah!)
- Despite this, the chapter ends nicely. I like your choice of the final sentence.

I would've read a bit more of this if I had time, but I've been up to my eyes in school work recently and I have quite a lot of other feedback to look at. Well done, and keep writing! :)

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