E_W_Hemmings

A sixteen year old writer/feminist./rock 'n' roll nerd.

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There's nothing else quite like this!

First of all, sorry this review took so long: I've had science mocks recently and then when I came to read this, I made notes to put in the review like I usually do... but then I deleted them. Well done me. As a result, this review is a bit more general than most reviews I write, but hey ho, let's get on with it!

The combination of horror and humour is going to be a good one, in my opinion. The contrast between the first scene where TJ was pretending to be Musashi (your writing in that scene was excellent, by the way!) and then the scene in his back garden was great - not to mention hilarious! I don't know if you've given your story a bit of an edit since I read it, but the humour itself seems to have a lot more polish than it did, as I thought some of it was a bit crude. Finally, your writing style was masterful throughout, especially in the more horror-ish bits.

I would've given a bit more constructive criticism if I could.... but I kind of can't. So well done on getting that reaction out of me, and keep writing! :)

- Em

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Beautifully written!

First of all, sorry the beginning of our beta-read 'swap' has taken so long! I've had quite a bit of schoolwork and other feedback reviews to do as well. But anyway, you've certainly got a brilliant foundation to your story. Your writing style is particularly excellent, and some of the descriptions are beautifully done as well. The concept is interesting as well for certain, and it's certainly unique, and I love the world you've created.

I make notes as I review, so here we go...

- The first sentence is a bit clichéd in my opinion.
- 'His wings outstretched...' - I would change 'outstretched' to 'unfurled' which makes more sense.
- 'grey like ashes from hell' - nice!
- ' "Your place in hell has been made, hell will have you!" - I would change this as you're effectively saying the same thing. I'd just use 'There is a place in hell for you' or something like that
- Tense error: 'Lucifer stretched his wings'
- I would omit the 'but' in the first sentence after the chapter break as otherwise it doesn't make sense.
- 'her face was a mixture of pain of loss and tiredness'- I'd put this in a separate sentence for this to make sense.
- 'tolerate-able' - I think the word you're looking for is 'tolerable'?
- The conversation between your narrator and Willemijn ends quite strangely. First she calls him mad, but she still ends the conversation politely? If I were her, I'd feel quite weirded out by the situation.
- I like how you describe the 'reeking arrogance' of the mountains.
- The last paragraph is described beautifully.

Well done on this great first chapter! I look forward to reading more, and to hearing your thoughts on Page 105!

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I see potential!

I've only read the first chapter of the story so far, but you do have the foundations of a good story here. Your world sounds pretty cool as well, and I praise your originality with it, and although your writing style could do with a bit of work it definitely has lots of potential.

Before I get into my notes, a small complaint I had with the story was that the chapter was pretty overlong, and you didn't need to stuff so much into it. I would recommend putting the detail about the Novas in a prologue and the switch in POV in two chapters after that. I'm quite a nitpicky reviewer if I'm honest, so here are the little things I picked up on as I read (there are good things here too, don't worry) . I hope these help!

- I really like your unique first sentence.
- I'd separate your second sentence into two - 'There it was again. That feeling in (this works better than 'at') the pit of my stomach'
- Start a new paragraph at 'This world wasn't made for people like mine'
- 'I'm being kicked in my side' - rephrase to 'he kicks me in the ribs' as it's less passive and more direct.
- 'the more punishment I receive' - maybe 'the more he punishes me' would sound better?
- 'With weak legs' - you've just mentioned that she's weak, so I wouldn't recommend doing it again. I'd maybe say 'Legs shaking, I make my way' instead.
- You could probably get rid of the sentence beginning 'One foot at a time' and put 'slowly' into 'I make my way to the bathroom' actually.
- 'Both my arms, my stomach, my legs, I can still see all the colours' - this sentence doesn't make sense. Maybe try 'I can still see all the colours on my body'
- 'Maybe because it's the way I feel' - do you need this?
- 'Her voice groggy' - this doesn't make sense, I think you're looking for 'Her voice is groggy'
- 'her face covered in black and blue' - this doesn't make sense either. 'Her face black and blue' will suffice.
- 'They'd be tainted, cursed' - just one word will do fine.
- 'The paint long gone from the wall' - there is a word missing here.
- 'and the prettiest. With her piercing blue eyes...' - join these two sentences together.
- I like your repetition of the heartbeat effect throughout the story.
- PARKER IS HORRIBLE!
- This chapter is pretty overlong. I'd recommend putting the switch of POV and the information about the worlds in a second chapter and a prologue respectively.
- 'I like bothering her, getting under her skin' - just one of these will do.
- Sentence beginning 'Opening her locker...' is not really needed.
- Describe Crystal slapping Parker instead of writing just 'smack'. It's slightly lazy storytelling.
- 'I can't believe people come here for' - this sentence probably needs an ellipsis so its effect is clearer.

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There's potential here!

The first thing I have to say about this story is that the concept of this story is a clever one, and that's what intrigued me enough to click on it. Although the more detailed feedback I have for you now seems negative, don't get too down about it, because you do have potential as a writer and with some redrafting and a good ol' edit, this really could be great.

Chapter 1
- I would tweak the bit where you mention that Alina's father 'panicked if he lost sight of her for more than a couple of hours', as it seems a tad unrealistic. I'd say 'he panicked if he lost sight of her for more than fifteen minutes'.
- 'her father was like a god' - I don't know if you'd agree with me on this one, but I'd apply this metaphor more to someone hot. You could tweak it, but it might be just me (hahah!)
- In my opinion, the first half of the chapter, when you tell us all about how Alina's mum died and what happened afterwards, could be told in a more imaginative way. I feel like at this point, it kind of burps along like anyone else would tell a story in real life, and by making it more imaginative, you turn it into YOUR story.
- Typo: 'Her legs felted weak under her'.
- 'I'm going to the supermarket to buy food and stuff' - this feels too informal for Alina's dad, and to be fair, you don't really hear a lot of parents saying'stuff', eh? Change simply to 'I'm going to the supermarket'.
- 'the father of the blonde' - just use her dad's name! (I forgot what it was, sorry).

Chapter 2
- Spelling error: 'The hours past'
- 'He was the boy of her dreams'. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! INSTA-LOVE! CUT! CUT! CUT! (Sorry about that, but think about it: I'm pretty sure nobody has ever found their soulmate just by looking at them once, unless you know anyone who can prove me wrong, ahah!)
- Despite this, the chapter ends nicely. I like your choice of the final sentence.

I would've read a bit more of this if I had time, but I've been up to my eyes in school work recently and I have quite a lot of other feedback to look at. Well done, and keep writing! :)

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