I'll add more to this as a I read more
I write reviews chapter by chapter for longer works like yours, and it also means I can provide more detailed critiques.
Read the story now
I'm really liking what you have so far! You display a clear amount of writing skill, it flows really nicely, and the world you've created sounds really original and interesting. (They sound like really clichéd comments, hahah! It's true though). The first line in particular was actually one of the best first lines I've read in a while, even if it maybe was a bit too long, and that's really the only criticism I have.
Anyway, sorry I couldn't be of more help! I look forward to reading more of your story. :)
I might as well give you all of the notes I made in one hit!
- I would take the word 'puzzled' out of the opening sentence, we can kind of gather that Ink is puzzled from his sentence.
- Tense error: 'she is holding'.
- 'The only blessing you'll get by going here...' - LOL!
- Tense error: 'as she swallowed a mouthful of her saliva'
- I loved the paragraph beginning 'People who barely have enough food'.
- 'One thing, and then two and then three and not for long it'll be too many to count' - I like this!
- 'Excuse me, she replied. appalled' - again, you don't need to mention how appalled Rebecca is, we can gather this from what she says without the need for the telling.
- I've notice you actually have really rather good dialogue; it sounds realistic and flows beautifully.
- 'Eris!!!' - don't worry about using three exclamation marks,
- This is just a little nitpicky thing, but I'd put the poem in italics to ensure it's separated from the rest of the story. That's what's traditionally done in books.
- The line beginning 'Behold' has a slightly clumsy metre that doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem.
- I liked the way you transitioned from background information to the action of the story.
- 'no more than the size of her palm' - do you mean 'no bigger than the size of her palm?'
- Grammar error: 'nobody else have it'
- 'there was one other family in Maskerville who also had an Etherean lens in their possession' - SPOILER ALERT! XD If I were you, I'd actually hold off this information for now. It makes more of an impact if you don't reveal this till later.
- The banter between Rebecca and Ink is so sweet, and it's very realistic. Well done on that!
- 'Lord Fillias said, annoyed' I mentioned this earlier, but I don't think you need to reinforce that Lord Filias is annoyed.
- 'allow his face to give into pain and contort his face like he can't get enough air' - the repetition of 'his face' makes the sentence sound a little like it doesn't make sense, but I like the description.
- The last two paragraphs are gorgeously written.
- This was another really nicely written chapter, and I love the way you're bringing in the differences between Ink and Rebecca's characters and exploring the way it shifts the dynamic between them.
- I wouldn't say you need to detail why Lord Filias hates dogs, it detracts from the rest of the story.
- 'Lord Fillias quite satisfied by how the night turned out'
- Why is Ink suddenly shouting at Rebecca? It has no explanation or build up, and it seems irrational. The way he expresses his resentment for the Ethereals is relatable and well presented, but I don't think he has a need to take it out on Rebecca.
- Tense error: 'when Rebecca climb his back'
- I'd also say that there seems to be a lot of variation in your tone in this chapter. Sometimes the writing is really sophisticated, sometimes it's quite colloquial, and maybe it would be an idea for you to make this a bit more consistent.
and 'she meet today'
- 'His long hair never moving out of place' - I'm not sure a continuous verb works too well as the only verb in the sentence. I'd attach this onto the sentence before it.
- 'held unto the animal' - do you mean 'held ONTO the animal'?
- Tense error: 'He would sprung from one branch to another'
- 'The prince was simply having to much fun that he didn't even notice the white-ash rich pumice falling from the sky like snow' - this is a slightly clumsy sentence. I'd recommend rephrasing it to 'the prince was simply having too much fun to notice the white ash...'
- Tense error: 'he's starting to get more anxious'
- 'It wasn't dragging its limbs - it was being dragged' - I really like the ideas of contrast in this line.
- 'their mangled child' - a) I'm not sure 'mangled' is quite the right word, and b) I think 'child' should be 'children'.
- 'The volcano was like a ticking time bomb' - could you express this a different way? It sounds a little clichéd.
- 'they should be called Masker-villains' - nice! I like this little observation.
- 'It lived a very lonely life - solitary life' - I would only use one adjective for the creature's life, otherwise you're saying the same thing twice with different wording.
- Grammar error: 'he manage'
- He already had enough bottled anger and distress and distrust to the whole world' - nice!