ElizabethLinJohnson

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Scorched Earth

First off I admit I’m a brutal reviewer as I wish to be reviewed the same.
It should also be recognized I am an amateur not a professional writer and hold no degree in English. Please accept my review as my attempt to improve your story. You may take or reject as you see fit.

I only read the first chapter as you read my first chapter. I will read more but let’s start with this.
Change the title of Chapter 1 to “Finding Me Legs”. Living in Liverpool they are assumed to be Cockney so make the title fit the local and vernacular.

You start out over working the word working. Read your first few paragraphs and limit this word use to twice.

Over all you are too verbose. You need to say the same with less.

For example change the first sentence to,

“I was born into a Liverpool working class family on April 18, 1852, officially baptized Donald Stewart by my parents, Mary and John Wallace but I was called Danny.”

Change the second to,

“My siblings were John-Patrick, 15, Mark, 9 and Mary Victoria 5.

At the start of the 4th paragraph it is not clear if your mom is three and half or you.
You need to clean up your grammar; also a fatal flaw of mine.

These are just suggestions. It is your story. Here is a scary thought. Can you speak Cockney? In my story I have a chapter of her Mom speaking in Hawaiian Pidgin English. Very tough to do and I worry if I did it correctly.

I appreciate your comments on my review. While critical it is not meant to be dismissive. You read my chapter and realize I have similar flaws.

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