The potentials all there.
Hey thought I'd weigh in. Fairly good grammar and spelling, although I noticed a few slips, though there was one section when a whole bunch of speech got glued together even as they were alternating people so just need to drop a few lines. Perhaps you should break up the different moments in your chapter by making a line of - or doing a ... to make sure the events remain separate. I think you need to take some time to show the emotions rather than just telling them. But I am really interested in the concept of the story, I really think you could have something interesting going here. So keep up the good work, let's see how far you can come!
Read the story now