Before I begin, I want to explain that when I review, I don't just say 'its good' its' this or that." I try and provide something that can improve your work. not because I didn't like it. I don't bother writing reviews unless I think the work is worth it. I think this story is really interesting and I like it. But as a writer I always want to know what people liked about my work, or what I could have done to make it more believable or realistic. its always brave to put you work out for someone else to look at. I commend you for your effort and enjoyed what you wrote. Please take this review in the spirit it is intended. I hope it helps and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Read the story now
So I read all your current chapters. it is a interesting plot line. I think there are a number of ways that it can go. if you are more interested in turning this into suspense or mystery. If that is the case then it would be good to slow down and take more time to describe the scene from her side. I think your characters are interesting. But you don't have to tell us all about her up front. Let us discover it as we walk with her inside her mind. This helps build the tension. if you are going for more of a romantic but mysterious than it might be better to switch from a first person perspective to a 3rd person focused on her only. one of the keys to romance is the reading being able to know things that the main character doesn't.
I do find the main character funny but I found some of her reactions and behavior confusing. If she is the type to run away from an unseen threat or sound... Why is she searching for him? why is she trying to 'bring him to her roommate?" If she is the type who refuses to be intimidated and won't be treated like a dog.. why is she begging him at first. We are inside her head... So it would be simple to explain these contradictions. Also her friends all respond to her telling them about someone trying to MURDER her.. very blase. Either they are not very good friends or she is known for being overly dramatic. Even if my friend sounded like she was having a fevered nightmare about men flying attacking her down a hallway.. I would listen and try and find out what the heck was wrong with my friend. So maybe some additional explanations about why people are reacting the way they are. For instance.. She see him in the hall and she chases after him. Tells him she is going to send him to jail. She doesn't act at all like someone afraid or threatened. His behavior is also very odd, but since he is suppose to mysterious it makes sense. Though I am not sure why he is so angry. 'Ninja' are more historically unemotional, heartless cold as ice types. I will say I really liked how you described the movements of his attacks. and her confusion and not being able to see his movements. That was EXCELLENT. there should be more of that. I would really like to have a clearer picture of the world around them..... I don't tend to try and critic grammar or anything like that because I am terrible with it. But one of the things I have always been taught in writing is that you should never use a word more once to twice close together. Unless there is a specific word you are trying to illiterate. For example. "quickly' you use it often and more then once in a paragraph. This is very repetitive and takes the reader out of the action. So just use other words, like swiftly, in haste, rapidly. etc.
As a writer I find it very helpful to make notes about the characters.. like a profile, with things like favorite color, habits, places they have been, special physical traits. for example if they fidget, do they make noise when they are nervous, whats their favorite kind of food, or are they afraid of something, like spiders etc. I also make a timeline for each character so I know where everyone is at the time of events. Not for the reader to see but to help me add in detail.
I hope this was helpful and please feel free to read and review my Story. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed yours.