KaiMKB

Tokyo

Dude from 'Murica living in Tokyo. I'm a student that's into sci-fi. My favorite author is Isaac Asimov. Feel free to contact me about anything. I'm usually pretty friendly : )

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Absolutely enthralling

I absolutely love this story. Well done!
The plot was interesting, and there was just the right amount of suspense and mystery to keep me enthralled.
If there's one thing that might need improvement, it's that you use a lot of words particular to your universe, especially early on in the book. You may want to tone it down there.
I also notice that some paragraphs where you transition between different places starts off describing one scene, and then suddenly shifts to another, which can be a bit jarring, though that's my personal opinion; some readers might not have a problem with it at all.

Overall, this was an absolutely stellar novel! Good work!

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Promising, but needs improvement

I really like the story you've got going on, and I'd love to read more.

The only two issues I see here are grammar, and overloading.

By grammar, I mean that you sometimes change the paragraph even though the speaker doesn't change, don't capitalize some words that should be capitalized (Your chapter names, for instance), minor grammar errors here and there, and some misplaced or missing punctuation can make it difficult to figure out what's happening.

By overloading, I mean that you're giving a lot of information to the reader without a lot of context. For instance, in the first chapter, why is Magnus being chased? Who is Magnus? Who is Naomi? Why is Naomi there? Why can she shadowport? Is there magic in this world?
Making your readers ask questions is great, but making them ask too many, while not offering answers isn't. You have a great big universe that you've constructed, so what you might want to do is to ease your readers into it. Provide some description of your universe before jumping in, for example. In the beginning, I got the impression that this was set in a medieval-ish setting, but the trench coats and sunglasses told me otherwise, while Imperial Knights and God-King sound archaic. You've got things within your universe that clash, but without explanation, which is something that needs a lot of fixing.

Otherwise, I really liked it! This is very promising, and I wish you the best of luck in finishing it!

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