Intriguing beginning that speaks of a great story to come
I am delighted to see that you have a way with words. I enjoyed the way you weaved words around. You left me already believing this is going to be a very good story when you finish it. I can see Clara is holding on to love, even in the midst of disappointment and fading hope. You started with a gory opening, which i thought was interested, and it drew me in. However, Ma, you might want to take note of these few things i noticed.
Read the story now
1. It was kind of confusing for me to know who is who, as i read through the story's beginning. You might want to make it clear to the reader from the beginning, who those people speaking clearly are.
2. I found it hard to know if the person telling the story is a male or female. You might want to clarify this as well.
3. Is this about two gay lovers? If so, make it clear.
4. Try to be consistent in the tenses you use. If you want to tell the story using past tense, then be consistent. If you want to tell it in present tense, then be consistent. Mixing up both tenses works against clarity. You want your readers to be clear of what they are reading about to some extent, right from the start. And when you get comfortable doing that, then you can go on to experiment new ways to create suspense in your readers, right from the start, by giving away very little or even nothing. That comes with practice. I would suggest you keep it simple and straight forward in your early stories.
I think your concept has the potential to deliver an interesting story when you're done. Please try to keep the above suggestions in mind as you rework this chapter. By the way, i love the descriptive skill you have shown. I see you have strength in that area. Keep writing!