It is said that each of us has a story to tell, and to write, Marvy, so you should be pleased to have taken the effort to write Sylvia Scott. I liked the concept of the spirits of those who died at the hand of an evil man (Steven), making themselves known to the next potential victims of the same evil. This is an interesting twist on the usual story of possession by the departed. In this case, possession was necessary for the living to get revenge on the person who was responsible for the deaths of others. It talks about a good kind of possession. I think the story concept is worthy of further development.
Read the story now
I am going to make an assumption, so please forgive me. When I read your prose, I have difficulty seeing you as a native speaker and writer in the English language. I my assumption is off the mark, then I stand corrected..
Here are some pointers:
+ Set your story up in chapters, even I they are short in length. For example; Chapter One could have been Dad's surprise and a trip to Mississippi, Chapter Two could be The Mystery Mansion, Chapter three could be First Night Terror, and so forth.
+Treat each chapter as a scene and write a very brief description of the action. Do that for each chapter before you put time into writing the action, descriptions, and dialogue. This should help the flow of your story.
+You write a lot of dialogue, but there are times when you fall into the trap of telling rather than showing; for example: when the family arrives at the mystery mansion in Mississippi, the sisters could react to what they see...
Darcy - "Holy, look at that place. It's gigantic."
Helen - "Yes, and the lawns are all overgrown That lake looks great but the shoreline is a mess."
Darcy - "It looks spooky in the day time. I wonder what it will be like in the night."
Helen - "I don't know about this place, Darcy. It gives me the creeps already. Dad, do we really have to saty here. Can't we go to a hotel or something instead?"
You get the idea....
Don't give up on the story idea, It has potential if you organize it, and pace the events of the story so that the merge one into the next more smoothly. Get some help with editing too.
I enjoyed reading your efforts and hope you will work on "Sylvia Scott" to make it better.
+ If English is not your first language, get some help. Your work requires extensive editing and correction so get the help and readers will enjoy your storytelling all the more..
+ Read your work aloud. You might hear some of the errors as you read.