Ray of Sunshine
Issues: Spelling, grammar, spacing, punctuation, missing periods and question marks and commas, unnecessary spaces after quotation marks, past and future tenses: ex: make and made or will and would. Capitalization of names, i.e. Dark, Ray, and Janny. Making sure whether something should be singular or plural, i.e. cares or care, or inside or insides.
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The spacing of paragraphs is also vital for readers to make sense of where one idea ends and the next begins, as well as where one line of dialogue ends and the next begins. More description of surroundings, also known as floating heads, when you know what a face looks like but not the body, clothes, or surrounding environment, maybe use more color, this is only an issue in the first couple of chapters.
I also feel like Dark wouldn’t have been charged with attempted murder because it was self-defense and he was a minor.
Isn’t what Dark is saying to her about hiding from the world contradictory? He hid in the woods and behind a mask from her in the beginning. Would it really be that easy for people who have been through traumatic experiences, to be honest with another person they barely know? Would they really trust someone to hold up the deals they are making with each other? I believe you meant to use scalding instead of scandaling in chapter 11, too.
If Ray has experienced trauma and has abandonment issues I feel like regardless of what Kevin told her, she would have some common sense and not let him into the house.
The plot is interesting, and so is the title and characters’ portrayal in the storyline. The symbolization of light and dark is also an interesting concept and gives you a starting idea of the characters and their personalities. Keep up the good work, all of us need improvement in the beginning.