Magnus_K

Calgary, AB

20y/o, Spotify: nocturnalic Follow4Follow. He/Him/His. R4R: interested in: YA, LGBT, Romance, musicals, self-discovery, mental health.

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Seven

Usually, having a dream sequence or waking up from a dream at the beginning of a novel is cliche but it definitely works and is interesting in your case. I find the main character Gaia and the fact that she has a mother with an apocalypse bunker interesting, but I feel like the mother if she truly knew something was wrong or even just felt something was wrong would try a little harder to convince her daughter to come home, and not just allow her to brush it off so easily. You have good descriptions of the world and a unique concept and interesting characters that all draw you into the story. I would suggest giving a more detailed synopsis to draw more readers in, tell us a little bit about the story and the characters, and I spotted a few misspellings in chapters two and three. Keep up the good writing.

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Discovered Undercover

It has an intriguing plotline, especially considering they're are sending one of the previous victims of the drug lord into the field to find out who he is, (I like that this is addressed). You should separate the dialogue from each character so we can keep track of who is speaking. Shorter paragraphs, being met with a wall of text can be both daunting and confusing. You should show more than tell, like when she's going from the car to get into the elevator, maybe she could a sinking feeling about getting on the elevator. Acronyms, (like FBI) need to be in all caps. I only noticed a few spelling errors, other than that, keep up the good writing.

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Choose Me: Reddie

You have a good descriptive summary that draws in people and fans alike. Good context, emotional portrayal, and descriptions of how they would all feel after Stan's and Eddie's deaths, and then him coming back to life. The song playlist sets the atmosphere of the chapters. Good pacing for a slow burn story. Good portrayals of Eddie's and Richie's personalities. I don't read a lot of fanfic but I enjoyed this one and will continue to read it. Some pointers, in the earlier chapters you might want to make some of your paragraphs shorter, some are quite long, other than that I only spotted some minor grammar errors. Keep up the good work.

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Moonlight

In order to draw more people in you may want to provide a more detailed summary. You may want to consider shortening some of your paragraphs, some of them are quite long. You should separate the dialogue from the paragraphs, it can become confusing and hard to tell who is talking if the dialogue from two separate characters is in the same line. The description of the characters is good, but the setting could be more detailed. It has potential, keep up the good work.

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Sagittarius

You might want to make shorter paragraphs and separate out the dialogue in the first chapter. I think the scenes and settings could use some more description, I also feel like we could use more context between all of the chapters, scenes, and characters, as there seems to be a lot of scene-jumping, from one moment or instance to the next. The plot seems interesting though considering her mental health issues and what she's done to others, who she is, and where she's ended up. Why is Audrey not afraid of her after she ends up in jail after a few days of talking if she knows she's killed people? The chapters also seem kind of short. Keep up the good writing.

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Ray of Sunshine

Issues: Spelling, grammar, spacing, punctuation, missing periods and question marks and commas, unnecessary spaces after quotation marks, past and future tenses: ex: make and made or will and would. Capitalization of names, i.e. Dark, Ray, and Janny. Making sure whether something should be singular or plural, i.e. cares or care, or inside or insides.
The spacing of paragraphs is also vital for readers to make sense of where one idea ends and the next begins, as well as where one line of dialogue ends and the next begins. More description of surroundings, also known as floating heads, when you know what a face looks like but not the body, clothes, or surrounding environment, maybe use more color, this is only an issue in the first couple of chapters.
I also feel like Dark wouldn’t have been charged with attempted murder because it was self-defense and he was a minor.
Isn’t what Dark is saying to her about hiding from the world contradictory? He hid in the woods and behind a mask from her in the beginning. Would it really be that easy for people who have been through traumatic experiences, to be honest with another person they barely know? Would they really trust someone to hold up the deals they are making with each other? I believe you meant to use scalding instead of scandaling in chapter 11, too.
If Ray has experienced trauma and has abandonment issues I feel like regardless of what Kevin told her, she would have some common sense and not let him into the house.
The plot is interesting, and so is the title and characters’ portrayal in the storyline. The symbolization of light and dark is also an interesting concept and gives you a starting idea of the characters and their personalities. Keep up the good work, all of us need improvement in the beginning.

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Every Hour, On The Hour

I don't read a lot of horror books, this one had an interesting concept and way of communication to the main character what was going on. I think it might have been a bit obvious that Vera was dead even with all the explanations her sister came up with though. It will be interesting to see how the hacker went from her computer to hacking her phone and killing her and why.

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Sinister

The main character Levy seems interesting, but I spotted some inconsistencies in the story, the brothers' ages, some missing or wrong words, and spelling errors and feel Levy's body is overemphasized in the first chapter. Continue working on the story, I think you could use more description in both your settings and characters, too.

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The Sound Of Silence

An interesting and different concept. The story seems to go beyond telling a simple story from beginning to end and has a meaning or lesson that is taught throughout it. I did spot a few grammar errors and missing words but other than that it's quite driving and keeps the reader hooked.

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Reminiscent

The plot, characters and their development are all eye-catching. It is very realistic and relatable which drives a reader to connect parts of themselves with the characters. It reminds me of Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. The only thing I think you could improve upon is the longer paragraphs, it is easy to get lost in a long wall of text. If everything in the paragraph seems necessary you may want to split them up into smaller paragraphs. I look forward to the rest of the story.

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The Willow Rise Six

Blurb: 2/5
Run on sentence, multiple capital As in the Summary alone, hard to get a grip on the concept from the summary. Only Bill Daniels is name dropped in the summary but then we are introduced to Waylan in the first Chapter. The summary feels kind of rushed, like a lot is trying to be told in a short period of time rather than trying to just grip the reader’s attention enough to get them to read the book.

Page 1 – 10/15 /Chapter 1 – 13/15:
-Good descriptions. Griping and emotional, the scene where Waylan attempted to let the young Indian girl go free but the Sergeant ended up shooting her sticks with you. The first chapter sets up a background while leaving you to wonder what was so important in Waylan’s belongings.

First 1/3 of book: 17/20
-Unique, defined characters.
-Lots of introduction to characters, slow burn? Might want to include that in the summary?
-Chapter 4 seems to be when we finally get a grip on the characters and setting being consistent.
-You can really tell Levi has a gambling problem. It feels like Levi’s second chapter is more focused on Daniels and the councilmen then Levi himself but I do like the premise that the money is driving him to do anything and considering his gambling addiction it makes sense.
-Sam seems like a good counterpart who’s caught up in the villain’s plan.
-Foreshadowing the priest in Levi’s chapter before introducing him in the next is interesting, especially considering how quickly Daniels instills fear in him after he tells him he knows his secret.
-The story is told from many points of view which I like but considering the focal point seems to Daniels and his involvement in all this why isn’t it just told from his?
As you continue to read you are left with enough suspense to keep reading.
Levi shows good character development by going from a confident, sure-footed ally of Mr. Daniels to developing the emotions of fear others normally felt around him.
-When we finally learn about what Peter did it’s like he snapped and was tired of not being able to feel happiness and pleasure normally but you can understand the loneliness and losing of faith he had before then.
In chapter 36, at the end, it is a little difficult to tell what Sam is remembering and what is happening in the current time line.

Ending: 7/10 (Chapter 40)
-It felt like all the characters that were telling the story were supposed to be a distraction so Mr. Daniels could get in and get the paper himself, if he wanted to he probably could have left them to die, and he willingly sacrificed Peter without a second thought, he had to know people were going to die and not just the people they were going to take the paper from but people he brought with him.

Overall writing style: 8 /10
-Foreshadowing, good descriptions, good sentence length, could maybe use more dialogue and exchanges verbally between the characters. Easy to read. Good ability to show and not tell. Just enough information is given to give the reader understanding but keep them wondering and reading. Overuse of redundant tags/actions/descriptions?

Editing/Technical Skill: 14/20
-Consistent perspective, no, but I like the many varied perspectives, it’s a thing I do commonly in my other novels. You get a better understanding of others motives and the story as a whole. Tense is consistent as far as I can tell. No repetitive spelling mistakes but I did pick up on some run-on sentences and grammar errors in sentences and some of your paragraphs could be broken up. Another glaring issue I noticed was the inconsistency of Sam’s age, at first, we are told he is sixteen, then Alice says he is fifteen and then we are told he is seventeen in the fifteenth chapter.

Over All Score: 71/95

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Relatable

As a trans person, I relate to this article on the level that society tells you you need to do these things because you were born a certain sex, and they say you need to wear dresses and have long hair, etc. People should do what they like and feel comfortable doing, not be forced based on roles in society. I do feel it was a bit rambly and that your paragraphs are a little long, though. There were a few sentences that were awkwardly worded too that could use fixing. Keep up the good writing.

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The Boy with the Black Hoodie

Firstly, your grammar needs work, there are missing commas, periods, spaces, and uncapitalized names. The plot is hard to judge since it's only one chapter so far, your descriptions are good and paint a solid picture of the characters but your environment could use more description. Keep up the good writing.

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Dark Shadows

When introducing your main characters, you should describe them, we learn what the grandmother looks like fairly quickly but we interact with Blair without really knowing what she looks like until later. The setting descriptions are very vivid and unsettling, I could see them being scenes in a movie. Separate dialogue from paragraphs, only dialogue need quotations. Part 2 of the bloodline chapter is the same as the end of part 1. I've also notice some inconsistencies in details, in the first 6 chapters her mother's necklace is a tiger's eye and in the seventh chapter it's suddenly a ruby. You have good pacing and I really like the relationships the main characters has with the side characters. Keep up the good writing.

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Wolf Heart

You have good description and background detail about the world. You could shorten your paragraphs, most readers don't like being met with one giant wall of text and it's hard to tell where one idea begins and ends if they're all thrown into one paragraph. I've noticed quite a few run-on sentences, too. When introducing your character, they should be described in separate paragraphs and probably not all at once. The same should be said about world-building. Your dialogue should be separated from paragraphs unless the following line is a dialogue tag or describing what the character is doing while they are speaking. Keep up the good writing.

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High School Love Story

Very humorous and interesting and unique comebacks when the characters are interacting with each other. Considering this is a private school and they've had 5 fights in 2 weeks, why aren't they suspended? I feel like if they were mortal enemies they'd show less empathy for each other, too. Good description and grammar, I know the title is supposed to be a reference to the cliche but it's a bit long and redundant, though. Keep up the good writing otherwise.

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Secrete Colors

The plot itself is interesting, relatable, and current to what is going on in the world. The writing itself has many issues though. You need to break down your paragraphs, try to find the points where you switch topics or the focus from one thing or person to the next. For example: when you are describing each sibling, each of these could be a separate paragraph. Clear descriptions are important to paint a clear picture and set up a story and you have clearly done that but you shouldn't be telling us all this, you should show it at the relevant points rather than just dumping all of it on us in the first chapter. I would also refrain from using acronyms (BTW & IDGAF). You could use dialogue as a better way for us to learn things because things do come up in conversations. The last thing is point of view consistency. Stories are normally written in one point of view, first-person, third-person, etc. To make it easier to follow along and keep facts consistent it is important for this to be consistent. Keep up the good writing.

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Addicted to Velvette

You have very detailed descriptions that provide a clear picture of settings, characters, and props. I don't know if you intended to make it in the poetic formatting of separating every sentence but it does make it a little harder to read. When you are describing one object with many words you need to use commas, I noticed this in the first chapter. Good flow, pacing and length of chapters. The concept/plot is interesting. To make the dialogue more clear you may want to separate it from the other text and paragraphs. Are the italics in chapter 3 supposed to represent past tense or actual thoughts in his head? It's all in one perspective so I'm just a little confused by their use. Keep up the good writing.

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Gray's Story

I feel like you are relaying events as they happen with little physical detail or emotion, what do these people look like? Aside from the Pikachu shirt, clothing and physical appearance aren't really mentioned, I'm having trouble imagining what these people look like. How does the character feel about having all these sisters and that his only brother is leaving for college? You have good chapter, and paragraph length, grammar, spelling, and punctuation, and an interesting concept. Keep up the good writing.

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By Anyone

I liked the story the poetry is trying to tell, the meaning, the symbolism in the poetry, and the title. You could expand in the summary or make the dedication it's own chapter in the beginning, I know it explains why you wrote it and the concept but you could explain who the people in these poems are a bit, too. I would recommend editing the first chapter, too, it's the only chapter I saw with glaring grammar issues. Keep up the good writing.

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Regrets

It has an interesting concept/perspective but I feel like we are kind of being thrown into the deep end going from her being in a coma in the first chapter to her first job experience in the second and third. Maybe you're trying to backtrack and provide context, but you could in fact tell the story backward instead, you start with her in the coma and go back bit by bit from it so we understand how she got here, you may also be doing this, it's hard to judge with three chapters. Maybe you could physically describe the places and people more so we can get a sense of what these things look like, you say the uniform was short, I understand what you are going for, but what color? Does it have frills? How much skin does it show? This can show us it's short and that she's uncomfortable in it rather than you telling us that it's just short. I also find your chapters and paragraphs short. Keep up the good writing.

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Luna's Secret

A good description of the characters physically, you could elaborate on what they are feeling. Some of it seems rushed, maybe you should add more character development so we can connect to the characters. Work on grammar, especially when someone owns something, there is supposed to be an ('s) (ex: my mother's voice). The chapter length seems kind of short and you may want to shorten your paragraphs and separate your dialogue from them. This also makes it easier to read and keep up with who is speaking. Keep up the good writing

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Chased By Alphas

Good portrayal of how society treats women sometimes and the privilege men are given in positions of power. You may want to check grammar and punctuation, there are missing words, periods, and commas. You may want to form paragraphs with sentences that all follow along with the same topic rather than separating every sentence. I feel like this is a little fast-paced and if Wendy was her friend why'd she let them take her or not make sure she was okay after coming out of the office with the boss if she knows what he's like? Keep up the good writing.

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After Time

You have an interesting concept with potential, it's detailed and descriptive. You may want to fix some of the long paragraphs in chapters 2-4. Good portrayal, interesting past and present perspectives, but you might want to make the transition more clear, maybe use italics. I feel like the characters should have a more emotional reaction to impending doom, the trials, and creatures. You should use dialogue tags more so we can keep up with who is talking. I also feel like the story should be a little less relationship-focused if the apocalypse is coming. Keep up the good writing.

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This Book Is Not Just About Brains

Good, eye-catching summary. It reminds me of Warm Bodies, interesting and unique POV, good build-up, detail, and description of world and background of characters. Gives a new meaning to good and evil considering what the government did to their research because they thought they were against them instead of understanding the virus and that it takes time to affect a person. It feels very accurate to how the world would be if this truly did happen. Good chapter and paragraph length, no grammar errors I could spot either. Keep up the good work.

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Pride & Promise

You may want to consider shortening some of your paragraphs so your readers are not met with giant walls of text. Try limiting your paragraphs to eight to ten sentences at max. Lots of context and personality trait descriptions of characters but I don't really know what they look like physically. This can be important if you want your readers to have a clear picture of your character and what they look like. I only noticed minor spelling errors, other than that keep up the good writing.

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Annoying Love Lust

Firstly, I think you could provide a more detailed description of the story to draw people in and make them want to read your story, you may want to provide some simple details about your characters in it, (like their names, that they share a dance class and their relationship at the beginning of the story and maybe allude to why Jekual is different from the others). I spotted many grammatical errors, (missing punctuation, words, sentences that didn't make sense, lack of commas, use of the wrong their, there, or they're). I feel like the pacing could be slowed down, she goes from hating Jekaul to going to his party, to kissing him. Descriptions of the environment would give a clearer picture of your world and what the characters are experiencing. I feel like some of these characters' morals are contradictory to each other, they find the people who are bullying them attractive and she agreed to go to the party without much convincing. Also, why doesn't she trust her friends with what happened to her? All stories have potential, you just have to work out all the kinks, keep up the good writing.

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Darkness Rising

You have provided very detailed descriptions, giving a very clear picture of the setting, stories, and characters. Good context, explanations, and world-building. I spotted few grammar errors. One thing you may want to consider is the paragraph length, you could put sentences that all follow the same idea or premise together and it could be easier to follow along with the story. Keep up the good writing.

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The Moon's Gift

I spotted many grammar errors in your story, (Missing words, commas, repeated words, use of both current or past tense when it should be reversed), you may want to go over your chapters more carefully. Your chapters could be a bit longer. I don't enjoy werewolf stories that much, but I feel like the unrequited love trope could be more unique to make it stand out from the many other werewolf stories I have seen and read. I also don't think it is necessary to separate every sentence when they follow the same idea. You may also want to check for run-on sentences, I spotted a few. I saw the name Tyler spelled Taylor a few times in the 5th chapter, too. Your descriptions are good, I can get a clear picture of your main characters, you have provided good context for the world they are living in, its rules and elements, and have it made it a little unique by having a tradition for the awakening of the Siren inside of them. Keep up the good writing.

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A Journey of Fajro

The descriptions and details of the world are very vivid and give a clear picture of the characters and settings/environments. I like your unique use of words for describing people, their tone, and the setting. I would suggest shortening your paragraphs and fixing the minor grammar errors I spotted, (capitalization after commas followed by dialogue, more use of commas, and some misspellings). Keep up the good writing.

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Black & White: Sword of Silver

The plot is interesting, considering there are multiple worlds and magic and that one world has forgotten about some of the aspects of the old world well the others have retained the memories and hate for each other. There were some grammar issues, I spotted, nothing that can't be fixed, mainly placements of commas and minor spelling errors. I would suggest making paragraphs longer that follow along the same idea or details and maybe try not to use so many ellipses (...). The first few chapters feel fast-paced and like we are learning a lot quite quickly, maybe spread it out throughout the story more or spend more time in the past and provide more context so we have more understanding, like the Aarohi's husband, they go from meeting, to getting married, to his death in a matter of a few chapters. I also believe dialogue tags would be useful to understand the tone of the characters and so we can keep up with who is speaking. Descriptions of the settings such as the library and their house would also provide a clearer picture of your world. Keep up the good writing.

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Dormant Love

An interesting plot concept considering one has forgotten who the other is and the other thinks they are dead. I spotted a few minor grammar errors, nothing too distracting. Good pacing in terms of progress and the romance aspect so far, too. It will be interesting to find out why they can't use Ander's real name in public and why they get headaches every time they think about each other, maybe it's because of repressed memories or the fact they can sense who the other is. Keep up the good work.

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Emotional

Everyone wishes for an Ethan at some point in their life, someone who is understanding and loves you for who you are and is willing to defend you from the assholes in the world, (you know who you are). The physical limitations were interesting as well as Ethan being a writer and his modesty. I like watching Andrew grow to have some self-respect for himself and accept that Ethan really loves him, Andrew went from being alone in a cabin on the outskirts of a town to having a little family. It would be cool if you continued the story, we could see how Andrew continues to cope with his disabilities, maybe make them become more severe or bring the ex back. We could see Devin grow up and how she'd cope with two dads rather than the normal family situation. I did see a few grammar errors as well.

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Mesmerizing

It's interesting because it's set in the past rather than in the present. You have to deal with all the issues of homosexuality not being accepted in the late 1940s. I like the chemistry between William and Jack and the dynamic of having a child in the middle of all of it. It kind of reminded me of my novel, Poisoned Light. Some of the grammar could be worked on, I noticed a few missing words but other than that it's a well-rounded story with a simple ending.

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Interesting

I'm not really into erotica or heavy romance novels, but the​ plot seems interesting and well paced for a longer novel, the grammar in the early chapters could really use some work and setting description could improve as well.

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Emotional

This addresses what it's really like to feel depression, you become so hopeless at a point that you don't think it is worth living and so you decide to end it or attempt to. People usually do regret attempting on their own life. The song you mentioned, Cough Syrup, by Young the Giant, right? I can see the parallels and connections and the taking of one more pill as representation of the line, "One more spoon of cough syrup now," was beautiful, dark obviously, but a good physical representation nonetheless. I also like the subtle mention of the boy being gay, like he made such a big deal of it well he was alive but now that he's dying he wishes he was more true to himself and the person he wanted to be with. Normally, you see that with the homophobic parents after they have lost a child and realized their acceptance could have helped them rather than in the child, but I guess normally you wouldn't hear from the child because of what they decided to do. I did notice a few grammar and spelling errors but other than that it's great. Keep up the writing.

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