I've seen a lot of the other reviews for this story and wanted to start with that I agree with most of them. This is to offer my opinion on how to shape your next stories better. For context I've only read six of your chapters so if any of this is incorrect I apologize.
Read the story now
We'll start off with things to improve.
- Starting with a big exposition dump might make it hard for people to sit through and read. Having it in the first chapter makes it apprehensive to keep reading.
- Sentences that could be one sentence are broken into two which is noticeable when reading giving it an odd feel. for example in chapter two, "My body hurts and surely won't do anything here. And Luke doesn't seem to be dead. He'll wake up any moment now and I have to get her out of here". Working on your grammar to use different conjunction words could help make your writing more fluid.
- You tend to start your chapters with exposition. I understand that you want to get readers who haven't read the first book up to speed but it's quite blunt. I suggest trying to play with different ways to get the information to the reader you want. Instead of saying, this person was rude describe facial expressions or subtle behaviors that Toby sees. I saw you do this a few times and I applaud you for that.
- Adding in something that happens every chapter feels very random. there's no sense of this happened, because of this, because the character believes this. Although surprises are a key element in keeping a reader entertained it felt very spontaneous and confusing
Now onto some positives \(^~^)/
- I liked the early fleshing out of the characters you introduced. It kept them in the forefront of my mind when reading
- You had a knack of going between suspense and drama and then following that with some dialogue to further emphasize the emotions. I haven't experienced many books which kept my mind from wandering during suspenseful scenes and yours did it for me.
- I haven't read a story quite like yours before. I felt like I was a long with the ride with Toby.
Overall a pleasant read but can use a few technical improvements. I hope this was helpful :)