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Review of Chapter 1 and 2
The narrative did a good job really getting inside Callie's mind and taking me on a smooth narrative through her thoughts. I was particularly drawn into the last three paragraphs as she thought about how the moms were reacting to her disappearance. That part in particular was a wrenching, but very clear and strong internal monologue.
The only thing I would recommend for chapter 1 is to cut down some superfluousness. You're a very clear and emotional writer, you do that well, but during her monologue before the gang shows up I was starting to get lost in the amount of things going through her head (maybe that was the goal). Not much trimming, but a little may help put focus on the most important points. Though all of that is a personal opinion and I can imagine other readers really revel in internal monologues, and you write them well.
I loved the second chapter from the get-go. You did a great job writing the characters and the situation they are in. The short "It had been a week" line hit me in the chest in a powerful way. There was something numb and terrifying about the introduction to the chapter that was a perfect way to bring me into their reality.
I gave this a two on the plot because the plot is so embedded in the framework of the first two chapters I wasn't sure how to rate it.
Very well done. I'll keep reading and reviewing as I go along.
Review for chapters 1-3
A great start to a story. Poetic writing in the prologue creates a beautiful musical element that the enhances the main character's backstory. She is very relatable in her softness but also passion for her music. I love that music was what saved her and that it was a whistling window that originally started her on her path. It was a unique detail that told us so much about where she was (emotionally) during that time.
The second chapter built up the thriller/desperate character nicely.
Chapter three is a little choppy, though I like how the story is progressing. Added mystery! I was surprised when Glory was suddenly holding Jagger's hand. It seemed odd that she wouldn't take his food, but would let him touch her, but that's just me.
I was a little worried about the cliche mirror scene. It explained where the character was, but the dialog seemed a bit robotic. With work it could be a more impactful scene.
The end of the second chapter created a good hook to interest me in continued reading!
Great work so far- You are a very good writer and I hope the next two chapters are just as intriguing and well written.
Intriguing World Building
This is a very dense story. Not for a light breeze through as I had to read the first chapter, then the second then the first again to really understand what was going on. Once I caught on that the main character, Erin, couldn't actually go against some protocol or mandate set down by the society, I was intrigued by the plot and what might be going on. I imagine the world the author is trying to build is intricate and interesting. I would be interested to delve into it at greater length.
The writing style could use some work- The sentence structure felt awkward, jumping between addressing the reader and explaining what Erin, knows and comprehends. Some sentences felt unclear or too long and convoluted to get the point across. Despite this, the style itself was consistent throughout and with some editing for clarification's sake I think the author could create a very unique and effective voice with which to tell this story.
Finally I think this story could use more description around the new aspects of the world especially why Erin doesn't/shouldn't/can't do or say certain things, as well as who the policing agent is, and why they are the way they are etc… It always takes a while to catch onto these things in a story with a differently set up society, and usually some of them have to stay a mystery for plot sake, but slowing down the plot so the reader can follow along would help.
I'd love to see how this continues, there's definitely good world building going on, and I'm intrigued by Erin.
Eloquent and Engaging!
I was impressed by how fluid and engaging this was. The story was honest (almost brutally) but eloquently vague enough to hold interest in what was to happen next.
I was particularly struck by the imagery in the first section that immediately set the tone for the story and showed the true artistic nature of the narrator and how that exists in every aspect of their life.
Finally, this may just be my addled brain, but my only critique would be to give an estimate of the woman's age right when she shows up. I eventually made a guess, but for some reason lipstick and people showing up asking to be kept out of the rain reminds me of old ladies- and I'm thinking that wasn't what the author was going for? Awesome, Awesome start, this is the writing of a very talented person.
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