OpalAuthor13

I'm KJ, a teenage writer and blogger working on the final draft of my first novel, 'Red'.

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It's Alright

First of all, this isn't the type of book I would like to read in real life, as I'm clearly not the target demographic. But I found myself skipping sentences and paragraphs out of boredom, looking for where the story really starts. I know that in the first chapter you were mostly filling us in on what's happened in the past, but you already did that with the blurb and both were extremely hard for me to read. The sentences just didn't flow well in my head. It might help for you to learn about the rule of "show don't tell", where you introduce characters taking part in the plot instead of describing them to the audience directly.
Besides that, this story has lots of potential and plenty of intrigue, after all the exposition.

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Keep Writing

I hope it's alright for me to be completely honest with you and say that it couldn't be clearer that this is one of the first stories you've ever written. The story's plot didn't seem all that bad, but I wasn't allowed to focus on the story at all. Most of the times, all I could feel was frustration because I was having trouble understanding the sentences you wrote.
Don't get me wrong. Your writing is not terrible. There is so much personality in this story and it shows through all the unique idioms you use. My main problem with it all is the grammar. Sentences seem totally out of order, some don't even make sense, and still others give me the impression that English isn't your first language. My advice to you is to keep writing, and keep reading. Read other, offline novels that are similar to yours so you can get an idea of sentence structure, and discover your unique writing voice. That's the best way to improve.

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Pretty good!

The blurb and cover are both great. That was the first thing I noticed. The first chapter was also well done, to start with. But there are just a few things you could change to make this story a lot better. One, it's important to remember that not everything needs to be described. The description in the first few paragraphs was good, but maybe trim it down a bit. Secondly, the paragraph mentioning the main character's mother stuck out like a sore thumb. So did the sentence telling us again (since we were already told in the blurb) of the main character's profession. Cut these out. It's better to show and not tell, by revealing these facts later on, gradually. Remember that your readers are smart and can figure things out by themselves once you give them little hints.
Other than that, a fantastic read. Good job!

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Good so far!

You have a great story here! I don't see too many errors at all and most of the time your writing style is easy to understand. I would love to read more.
There are only two issues I have. One is with the blurb. It's a bit too long and complicated, so much so that I was tempted to skip it. Try making it more direct and straight to the point, because a lot of readers have a short attention span. It's better to grab 'em by the neck and into your story. The same goes for your premise. Try to present the most interesting, unique aspect of your book's plot.
And the second thing is....why I haven't read this story earlier.
I've seen it so many times, but I never bothered to read it because, honestly, the cover didn't look very good. It didn't catch my eye. I know that sounds ridiculous, but in the real world of book selling the cover is part of what draws a passer-by in. If you'd like, I'd love to help you with this so your story can get the attention it deserves. I'm able to design a cover for you free of charge (it's a hobby of mine). Reply if you're interested, and we can talk about it. Anyways, great story, keep writing!

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Love it!

I decided to review the first chapter, because it's the most important. The first chapter is where you entice your readers to keep reading, draw them into the story, and introduce the main protagonist. And you did all of these things. You have an amazing voice and a way of making the main character's personality show through every line. To improve, I would probably remove the parenthesis from one or two sentences, and switch a couple other sentences to make it more clear who's speaking. Other then that, I would snatch this book from a store quicker than you could say "in love".

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I was bored.

I don't know, it may just be that I'm not into these type of stories. But I read the first few paragraphs and I didn't want to read any more. That's not very good.
I'm not saying you're a bad writer at all. A few sentences were pretty well written and I'm sure the story is good, But try tuning your first chapter a bit to be simpler and faster-paced. Throw the reader into the story before they even know what's happening, and then they'll be able to appreciate the actual story.

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