Good so far!
You have a great story here! I don't see too many errors at all and most of the time your writing style is easy to understand. I would love to read more.
Read the story now
There are only two issues I have. One is with the blurb. It's a bit too long and complicated, so much so that I was tempted to skip it. Try making it more direct and straight to the point, because a lot of readers have a short attention span. It's better to grab 'em by the neck and into your story. The same goes for your premise. Try to present the most interesting, unique aspect of your book's plot.
And the second thing is....why I haven't read this story earlier.
I've seen it so many times, but I never bothered to read it because, honestly, the cover didn't look very good. It didn't catch my eye. I know that sounds ridiculous, but in the real world of book selling the cover is part of what draws a passer-by in. If you'd like, I'd love to help you with this so your story can get the attention it deserves. I'm able to design a cover for you free of charge (it's a hobby of mine). Reply if you're interested, and we can talk about it. Anyways, great story, keep writing!