Rebeccaseal

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Great story

This was an almost perfect story that I would recommend to anyone. The only thing I would work on is painting a more realistic picture of Haiathiel. Somehow the environment seemed limited, and the land itself a bit unfinished. This can be solved simply by added descriptions to people and places. It's very difficult to create a vivid, realistic fictional world, so this is the next step. One other thing is that Avi didn't seem to have much of a culture shock when she came to Haiathiel (probably because you glossed over two years in the beginning), and sometimes her modesty and values seem a little too period, instead of open like they would be if she'd been born in the 21st century (e.g. being scandalized at sleeping in another man's bed unmarried).

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I Wish I Could Write Like This

I was so enthralled by this story that I read it almost entirely in one sitting. It's very original, and I applaud you on beating me to the medieval hot guy going to high school thing. Keep writing, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

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Amazing

This is an amazing story that is incredibly realistic. All the characters are realistic and imperfect, and the setting is vivid and detailed. The plot is creative and cliche only in the right places. The only thing I think could be improved on is maybe an epilogue. There were a few loose ends, like Mr. Klein and Flora's relationship, Leslie's reaction to being dumped, Parker's reaction to being dumped, and of course, whether or not Nina wins Miss USA or even Miss America.

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Cliffhanger much?

In the beginning, the use of pronouns was a bit vague. It took me a while to figure out who Blunt, Rider, and Smithers were. However, Artemis' character was spot on! The only other thing is that the cliffhanger was a bit too much. Artemis' revenge was a bit too unclear (Did he think Rider was gay? Did he realize he was gay? Was he going to pretend to be and then laugh at Rider? Was it something completely unrelated to that?).

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Cake's not a topic

Overall, this is a good story with lots of fluff. However, I feel like you need to have a stronger central theme than cake. Maybe an aspect of their relationship, or a specific trait or emotion would be better. Tobias just seems to cling to cake a little too much. Furthermore, some of the story is a little rushed. Slow down, and let Tobias enjoy his time with Tris.

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