Bianca Heinz-Kurstermann

Rome (Italy)

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Enjoyable

Original plot and very well written.
Characters are realistically described, and the story flows with an excellent readability.
There is something I'd edit (I'd never begin a sentence with "to"), but I guess it is all that I can say about grammar, punctuation and writing style.
Paragraphs too are well divided.
Good reading.

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It's dark outside

It's dark, and darkness is everywhere. Ok. I got it. "Show, don't tell" is my advice. Too many questions. The writer should let the reader think about all the questions He/she shouldn't be afraid that we don't understand. We are not that dumb.
I don't know if the story has potential since I quit after the ninth "Dark/Darkness" in barely four short paragraphs. The reader feels overwhelmed by "dark/darkness" redundancy and unwanted questions.
I'm sorry. I don't like to write such ruthless reviews, but I'd like to read this story once edited.
Good luck,
Bianca

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Funny

Beautiful story. I had fun reading it. Description and writing style are quite good, although the dots (I'd reduce their usage). In the beginning, I wanted to understand more about the story, and then I realised I had read three chapters in an eye-blink.

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It has potential, but needs a good polishing

I was curious about the title. Unfortunately, the short blurb and missing punctuation and dialogues tags didn't help me to understand much about the plot. Paragraphing is pace-styled. Although those issues that should be edited, the writing style is quite good. However, it emerges after a few chapters. The story becomes hooky to late, but it has potential.

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Interesting reading

The plot is delicate and although that, the writer has been able to describe easily the feelings of the character. I guess it's a good book to read to think about women's issues related to their fragilities and their strengths.

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Good reading

The plot is absolutely exciting. I began reading the book thanks to the blurb.
It is well written and fast-paced story.
I'd recommend it because it describes well the scenes and I can understand easily what's happening.
Characters are well "painted" and realistic.
I like it.

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Nice story

I like reading stories on wizard especially when they are not an established community in their full power.
I noticed few sentenced began with "And" or "That" and I think the author should consider to rewrite those parts, as well as dialogues where sometimes I need to understand who is speaking.
With editing and a good polishing it can be a great story.
Bianca

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Not bad to be the first book but it needs editing and polishing

To be the first time this Author writes a book it is not bad.
Paragraph style should be polished and a bit of editing would help a lot in readability. Punctuation needs a review.
Plot seems interesting and characters are believeble enough, even if they should be structured a bit more.
I evalute it good because it is the first story, but I advice you to read all that you can about plotting and the Journey of the Hero.
It will clarify you many structures that at the moment are a bit rough in your story.
Keep going on writing and you will get five stars :)
Bianca

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It can work with a good editing

Plot is original and the story is hooking but,
there are too many dots...and dots should be always three.
Thoughts everywhere, maybe too many for a third-person pov.
I guess it has potential because I am curious to know what will happen. However, I'd like to read it misprints-free and with coherence in pov-inner-outer vision.

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I don't know...I need to read more

When I read the blurb, I thought "why?".
The plot sounds unrealistic, mostly for a thriller/sci-fi.
I read it anyway because I am curious about anything that involves supernatural. Grammar and punctuation are set unruled, in particular on dialogues and mostly absent in descriptions.
Dialogues sound unrealistic. I was aware for the all reading-time "ok. This is fiction." A book should be able to hook the reader and let him/her forget that the world is reading about is "real".
Don't know, I didn't enjoy it, and nonetheless, I'd like to read more to see if it has potential.

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I'm curious to read other chapters

I like the beginning. It hooked me, and I am curious to read more. The writing style is readable, and so punctuation and the dialogues. Maybe rewriting helped to have an enjoyable story that I can read without distractions.

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Good but needs commas

Time-travelling vampire? I thought I heard all about them. However, I have to say that the story flows well. I read a lot of chapters without noticing the hour (and now it's the dead of the night :P).
Nice if you want to spend easy hours, with free mind.

And now, critics :P

Few refusal mistakes should be correct to avoid distraction for readers (i.e. dots are three/dialogues formatting). I'd cut brackets infos or rewrite them because I like to know the character during the story in a natural way. But most of all commas are missing. Comma help the reader to breathe.
Good writing
Bianca

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Good but needs editing

Despite I don't like "But" at the beginning of sentences or blurb, I have to say that the story is interesting.
A few commas would help the reader to breath and it can work. Same thing for paragraph formatting.
A second read will get the story more readable and hooking.
Keep going on writing!
Bianca

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Excerpt not bad

The story so far interested me enough to wish to continue reading.
I found few mistakes in punctuation and grammar but a good editing and polishing should get the story more enjoyable.
I read it's an excerpt but I'd be curious to read the all story. that's why I gave only three stars to the plot, I can't figure it all out, I'm still missing few things.
Good reading :)
Bianca

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To Dream: Book 1 of The Dream Chronicles

My vote is due by the synopsis ability to tempt someone to read the book.
This review is to help the author to get the story more captivating

BLURB Review.

ANF-pant! I need to take a breath. 87 words and three full stops only in one dense paragraph. James Joyce would be proud of you!

I began reading the blurb because it is the first invitation for the reader. Author must bribe the reader to open the book and begin the first chapter.

I guess it is quite hard if the poor reader is breathless after few words. I’d split the blurb in smaller sentences or rewrite them.

I would read it again, fix commas and punctuation and avoid to inform the reader that there are five books.

If a reader loves your story he will find every book, draft, article about it. There is no need to specify it especially after long sentences. I thought “oh God. Five books? I’ll die before if all the sentences are such long!”. As you can imagine it is a shame because a potential reader would stop to the blurb.

As I said on the forum, I don’t like to insult or to make the writers sad, but in a review I guess it’s my job to say exactly what I think might help that writer’s story.

Personally I wouldn’t open the book to read the first chapter of your story now.

So, I’ll advice you to focus on the blurb first, and then (if you still want my reviews :P) I’ll read the story.

In the meantime, even If I think blurb should be revised, I’ll edit a few suggestions:

- EDITING -
"In a world where dreaming, creativity, (Never use a comma before “and”) and differences are wrong and banned by the g(G)overnment, a shy young girl must strive to help her friends and stop the unjust forces of the d(D)ictatorship over her n(N)ation. When she takes on too much that she can't seem to swallow, will she "be able to" overcome her fear of speaking and "be able to" (redundancy) use the power of differences (if it is a skill in the World of you book I’d use capital letters: The Power of Differences) to help take down an entire c(C)ountry (is it the Country she must fight? Or the Government's allies?) ? - (delete) :Find out in this first book of five in Te Dream Chronicles. - (/delete)"
- / EDITING -

Or you might consider something easier such as sort of letter written by the main character:

"Dark times came after the Government banned our greatest resources: Creativity, Dreams, Diversity. Deleted from dictionaries, from our future to stoke the fire that turned those pages in ashes that coloured our hearts grey and sad....

or something that let us know how the hero feels about the conflict. You know better your hero, so you will surely be able to write somehing better then my proposal. :)

The idea is interesting if you will develop it well in the very first lines you'll increase your chances to be read.
Good luck.
Bianca

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