StoryGalory

I don't write. I compose. My fixation is your stimulation. Minecraft porn writer. Follow me on Twitter to engage in polls and other stuff! I also have a curiouscat if you have any questions!

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Nutrients for a Flower

Great Job Kit!

You start off strong with a very punchy opening! The beginning is hook, line, and sinker in the truest sense, and really drives in that Amelia is in a low point in her life. First the tumor, then her betrayed love, and finally her odd family situation.

Moreover, you do a fantastic job building the world around Amelia, with specific people and specific events to connect back to each individual you introduce. Notably, I do caution against adding too many characters since readers can only remember a few names at a time. Or if you plan for adding many characters, find a way to tie off loose ends with each character, or just give the character some specific trait/event related to the main character (Amelia) for the reader's mind to connect back to. Though this has limited effect since readers won't remember every single name. For future reference, I'd suggest making a list of characters (for your own use) to check when you introduce a character, and how many chapters it's been since you mentioned them. If its been more than a few chapters, you probably need to include a 3rd person blurb/flashback of that character so the reader knows who you're talking about.

As for serious critiques, the biggest thing holding your book back is grammar. Though readable, there are many instances where the wording makes things confusing. In addition, your sentence structure makes the dialogue feel choppy, and you could make it have better flow with a few simple edits. For example, in the summary you write "He said, sounded like nervous." where a simple "He said nervously." would flow much better. I highly recommend using a grammar checker (Hemingway app is a good free one). As a final note, be careful with tense. There are times in the story where you write in present tense, then switch to past tense despite Amelia making present time observations. But the grammar checker should pick up on this (hopefully). If it doesn't I recommend putting the story into a text-to-speech program so you can "hear" the mistakes.

But please don't let the critiques get you down! Overall, this is an amazing story! The plot is well thought out and the characters complex. The grammar/syntax is holding back the flow of the story, so you can think of edits as polishing your diamond in the rough. If you want to stick to a nature metaphor, it's a flower that needs some help to fully bloom.
Good luck and keep writing! I look forward to seeing a more polished version!

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Hot Hotel Night(s)

Amazing story Lyla!

Your intro/prep chapters are the perfect length to get the reader invested in the story, right before you slap them in the face with your superbly detailed (and raunchy) sex scenes. Very well done! I especially love how you give the men their own personalities/tastes, not to mention different names (not just stranger A & B like some eroticas).

Moreover, your gradual escalation towards more and more lewd scenes/situations in the story is great for keeping the reader wanting more, definitely a winning strategy for growing a fanbase. Also, the secret (which I won't mention here) is very well done. I honestly didn't see it coming!

As for where improvements could be made, I think a nice touch to your writing style would be to separate out the chunks of text some more. When you have dialogue between characters, it's much easier on the eyes/mind if you put them as separate lines. That way the reader's eyes naturally flow downwards through the conversation, as if they're sitting there right next to the characters. Moreover, I highly recommend making the thought text (like when the main character thinks) italicized. Again, this isn't really NEEDED, but it's a good quality of life improvement for the reader. It just makes it easier to separate the thought and the speech.

To end, fantastic story! It's sad that the story has ended, but I definitely see potential in your writing for more stories in the future, maybe even some continuation of this story (like a spin off of her story back home, with her new boy toys always around to satisfy her).
Good luck and keep writing! I can't wait to see your future writing!

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A Kinky Conspiracy

Great work Tremour!
You do a great job of developing the people as the chapters go on, slowly giving each character more and more background while also connecting them to each other. It's like a spider's web of characters!

Moreover, the different POVs you have going really adds to the story, especially the Cynthia chapter. You spent so much time crafting this specific image of Cassie, then threaten to break it apart with the Aunt's perspective. Utterly captivating!

As an aside, I LOVE your writing style! It's very punchy, and the reader is pulled into the story as they read each line of thought.

In terms of some improvements, there are a few chapters where grammatical edits would clarify the story more, not to mention make an easier read. the most memorable mistake is in Cynthia's chapter, where you (I think) meant to say "Not only the men wanted her, women did too." But instead you wrote "Men didn't want her. Women did too." Or something along those lines.

Overall, great story! I can't wait to see where you go with Cassie's character! and how the other characters react...

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Boobalicious!

Amazing work!

The story was well written, and the sex scene is fantastically hot!
The beginning lines are perfect for hooking in the reader with an interesting premise, literally telling them exactly what's going to happen in the story with a single line. I'm amazed nobody else has written a shining review of this story! it may be the fact that the premise of losing control over one's own body is kink of mine, but I still believe the story is unique and mind-blowing in its details. You have a knack for describing a scene with just enough words not to drown the reader, but just enough to waterboard them with arousing mental images.

I look forward to seeing the next chapter! Might I suggest magical sex toys coming to life and fucking her? Either way, I'm sure you'll write an interesting and arousing chapter! Keep up the great work!

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Erotically lovely!

This was a great story! Really well written with some good character/world building. By the middle of the first chapter, I was invested in the story and Chris. I especially love the fact that you fleshed out Chris' character by having him correct people about being Conan. Not to mention the subtle hints of long friendship you include like Ashley being the only one to recognize who he's dressed as. Keep up the great work! I hope to see more from this! Maybe even some conflict between T and Chris over Ashley...

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