TheNerdishWriter

Review Exchange

You seem to use her and she a bit too often. It’s not too noticeable but it could do with some editing. For example in the first sentence you write “her padded feet” her just writing padded feet would be enough as you use “she walked later on” Again you write “cookies she and her mother made together”.You could just write cookies they made together and virtually no impact would be lost. Writing too plainly, i.e. spelling things out for the reader can make writing come across as puerile. The writing seems to be a bit rambling, Evannah seems to be lonely. You mention this again and again but there’s no real sentence variation, which makes it a bit boring to read. You also mention the backstory. Personally I’d just spend one sentence on it. It feels a bit too soon to bring it up. There’s plenty of time to slowly reveal the past in the other chapters. The tense itself is fine, as is the 3rd person point of view. Some sentences are grammatically incorrect. A quick reread and edit would easily solve this. If you are having problems with writing flow, I’d suggest rewriting each chapter at least twice, the second rewrite slows time for sprucing up all the technical aspects of writing.

Beta request

Fingertips of fear seems like very odd wording, I think something else maybe tendrils would be a better choice “Of lost eyes missing hope” seems extremely out of place The problem I feel with your poem is that the verses read like individual phrases, there doesn’t quite seem to be a link in between them. Poetry should flow seamlessly from one idea to another. Though your main ideas are good the transitions are very abrupt and jarring