What drew me into this story is the way the introduction begins inside the mind and works outside to reality. Wilson makes for a relatable POV character: the trapped intellectual, who might think a bit too much, stuck at a job that under-utilizes his potential. The night may drags on and with it Wilson is dragged further into cynicism. Virginia arrives to save him from his cynical views, reminding him that the snippets we gather from other peoples' lives are just little slices of a whole. Sometimes we see each other at our worst and our best, but in the end we're all human and flawed. The story would benefit from better usage of commas, and hyphens, however, as sometimes the pacing seems a bit off in the dialogue. Overall an endearing piece of work, well done.Read the story now
We've all had times like this, and somehow reading this was better at 8 am in my boxers after having some drinks last night. Truly stoked my self-loathing -- Thanks!
A few sentences are a bit wordy. Example: ...beer was truly impeding on my thought processes today. Could be ...beer truly impeded my thought process... or use a metaphor Seems crisper, cleaner this way, and a little more active. Maybe read for sentences that can be shortened up.
"Retarded" is kind of a no-no word at this point if you feel you can substitute it with something else.
A solid work-in-progress
I am reviewing this as a draft and so will concentrate on the story that is being built. My major suggestion is to write in more of an active voice. First sentence, for example: “It was one telephone call that would kick off a chain of events that would rock Samuel’s world.” Try “One telephone call kicked off a chain of events that rocked Samuel’s world.” Or something like that. The setting, story, dialogue etc is beautifully English and I suggest expanding more on the “Englishness” of this piece. The pacing seems a bit rushed at times. I am interested, however, to revisit this piece as it develops. I can chat more if you’d like, hope my notes are helpful.Read the story now
A Frightening, Descriptive Gorefest!
Frightening? Yes, I even started reading it out loud and my wife froze in her place and listened. The grisly detail pulled this one off, a quick but fully-realized horror experience. Some are the sentences seem a bit passive, and the story would be even better if the active voice is made more consistent. Poor dog! I’m not sure how I feel about the narrator’s explanations at the end of it, whether they are needed or take away from the story. My overall experience up until that point is strong and frightening enough for me not to think too much on it. There is a great amount of raw talent here with some room to grow, which isn’t a bad thing.