It Needs A Little Work
Overall it's a good start. You have a set plot, which is good. However, your structuring could use some work. I kept getting confused throughout the chapter. You started the chapter in first person, but then it changed to third person. Another thing I struggled with is deciphering when the character was speaking, performing an action, and thinking. I also lost track of the characters. In addition, I couldn't tell if the paragraphs that were in italics were flashbacks or not. There were also some punctuation issues. Here are my suggestions: Try restructuring the and reorganizing the chapter. Everything was there, it just needs to be rearranged. Use grammarly or another grammar website to check grammar, punctuation and spelling. It won't be perfect, but definitely an improvement. Again, overall the chapter was enjoyable and there's plenty of room for improvement! Keep up the good work!
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