Gabriella White

Ohio

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A very interesting story!

I love the plot and use of detail. I was able to picture everything in my head. which is good. The story felt like a combination of different scifi ideas, which I like. A few grammar errors, but other than that, an enjoyable read. Good job!

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I Need MORE

I love this story and I'm craving more! I was a little iffy about Blake, but as soon as Lonan pulled the stunt that he did, I like Blake more. The plot is excellent, but the grammar could use some work. I love how you showed Lacey's uncertainty with Blake when she first met him. However, I'm confused about Owen's role in the clan. At one point you made it sound like he was the Alpha, but then you said that Blake was. I could just be confusing myself considering the fact that I read most of it at 1 in the morning, but I was just wondering. Other than that, great job!

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Good first couple of chapters!

I've only read a couple of chapters and I'm not a big fan of the writing-style, but I will say that they're a good first couple of chapters. However, in the second paragraph of chapter one, you dump a lot of information on the reader. I see this a lot in fanfictions. It's good to give the reader a description of the character, but it doesn't have to be to that extent. Allow the reader to have a general idea of what the character looks like, but provide context clues for the reader to use to pick up on what the character's personality is, what their likes and dislikes are, etc. You'd be surprised at what readers pick up on based on a character's tone and interactions with others.

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It needs some work

Overall, the book has an excellent plot. However, I found several plot holes throughout the book. You also changed from first person to third person point of view about half way through the book, which confused me. I also wish there was more development in Kenji and Leanna's relationship because their relationship and the story itself feels fast paced.
Here are my suggestions: try to slow down and develop your characters more. What are their likes and dislikes? Is there something that haunts them? If so, then why? How did the characters get where they are now? Create characters that your audience can bind with. As for grammatical errors, I suggest using grammarly or some other grammar correction site.

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An enjoyable read!

I liked the story and the plot. I definitely saw some parallels with The 100 tv series (If you haven't watched it, I strongly recommend you do). I like the idea of having two different races at war with each other, but I feel like this is more of a sci-fi book rather than fantasy, but no matter what genre it falls under, it's an enjoyable story! I look forward to reading future chapters, keep up the good work!

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It Needs A Little Work

Overall it's a good start. You have a set plot, which is good. However, your structuring could use some work. I kept getting confused throughout the chapter. You started the chapter in first person, but then it changed to third person. Another thing I struggled with is deciphering when the character was speaking, performing an action, and thinking. I also lost track of the characters. In addition, I couldn't tell if the paragraphs that were in italics were flashbacks or not. There were also some punctuation issues. Here are my suggestions: Try restructuring the and reorganizing the chapter. Everything was there, it just needs to be rearranged. Use grammarly or another grammar website to check grammar, punctuation and spelling. It won't be perfect, but definitely an improvement. Again, overall the chapter was enjoyable and there's plenty of room for improvement! Keep up the good work!

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I love it!

I absolutely love your story! I've only read the first chapter, but from what I can tell from what I've read, you really give the audience a clear picture of the character and their surroundings. There are a few grammatical errors, but other than that, I greatly enjoyed the chapter that I read.

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It has a lot of potential

Overall, the plot itself is intriguing. I like how your main character can be relatable to the audience. Your technical writing skills are great, but I would try to use less parentheses, specifically when you're talking about his sister, Cat. I would also try to elaborate more on the character's relationship with his family. That's kind of what the first couple of chapters should be mostly centered on since he clearly doesn't have a good relationship with them, but you don't exactly talk about where it's rooted from. Does he remind his parents of another black sheep of the family or is there a family secret that he is unaware of? Something like that. But, overall I really enjoyed reading the first couple of chapters and I'm excited to see where this story will go.

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Love it!

This is my new addictive series to read. I love the plot, character development, and use of detail. I like how you had both characters take it slow with their relationship by having them start out as friends before becoming mates. I also like how you made Ashley show that even though her father treated her like garbage, she still has unconditional love for him, Stocholm Syndrome or not. She recognized how toxic and abusive he was, but still had a slim bit of love for him and is even willing to talk about it with him when he's ready, I respect that. I also like how she heard Leon out even when he was tell her and her father about why his pack kicked him out instead of jumping to conclusion like everyone else. Grammar is a small issue, but other than that, excellent job and I intend on reading the rest of the series and writing a review for each one!

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Needs Some Work

I love the plot overall, it reminds me of another story I had read that had something similar. However, I could barely get through the first chapter and the first paragraph of the second chapter because they seemed to be rushed. The first two to three chapters are all about drawing in the audience and having them get to know the characters, but all I got was that Alex and Victoria bicker like an old married couple ever since orientation and Alex has a friend named Zach, that's it. The author goes into a little bit of detail in chapter one when they are bickering at orientation, but I want to know more. Give me more detail on that situation. Could the other students around them hear their conversation? Did she speak to anyone else besides him? I also want to know more about Alexander. I know his rank, but what was his job position? Was he a mechanic? Infantry? Warrant Officer? Pilot? Was he in the Reserves? How many years did he serve? Grammar was also and issue, but that's an easy fix, other than that, good job!

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One Of My Favorites!

This story is amazing. I love how the author uses a lot of detail when describing events and situations, especially the steamy scenes. It's definitely clear that the author puts a lot of thought into developing the characters and the story as a whole, and really allows the audience to create a connection with the characters and possibly relate to them in some way. I think that the author demonstrates how difficult it can be to have a three-way relationship and the number of complications that may occur. I also appreciate that the author included translations when necessary instead of having the reader guess or look up the translations themselves. My only complaint is the grammar, but that's an easy fix with proofreading and/or Grammarly, or something equivalent.

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Interesting

The story is quite interesting. and has a lot of potential. I also like how clearly you showed how the main character felt like they didn't fit in.

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Interesting

Aside from grammatical issues, it was a good start. I use grammarly to help minimize grammatical errors, so you may want to look into it. Other than that, good gob! I can't wait to read more!

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One of my all time favorites!

I absolutely LOVE this book! I initially found it on Wattpad and fell in love with it. It's one of the rare books that I'll read over and over again and I was so excited when I saw the Inkitt link in your bio on Wattpad! You develop the characters so well that I actually cried at some points in the story. I love how you incorporate schizophrenia in the story; it makes it more realistic especially when you see how her mental state affects the people around her. Even though the psycho ex-boyfriend is a cliche that I, myself, also use, it fits the storyline perfectly! You also gave the main character a strong support system and demonstrate how the relationship between two sisters can change once they get to college. I really liked that because I could relate to it at the time I read the book because I was going through the same thing with my own sister. A wonderful, somewhat realistic story that is a MUST READ!

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Mysterious and somewhat realistic

There are minor grammatical errors, but otherwise well written. I like how mysterious you make the main male character. But I also like how realistic the main female character is. You go very in detail about her emotions and how she handles what's going on around her and the character development is overall excellent. There is also a good balance of steamy and non-steamy scenes. Some of the erotica stories on here have an overpowering amount of sex scenes, which is good if you are a reader who enjoys that, but for me, I like a good balance because it allows me to create a connection with the characters rather than just reading porn. Overall, excellent job and keep up the good work!

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A fun read!

I love the first chapter! There are a few mistakes grammar wise but other than that I liked it, and can't wait to read more chapters!

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This is a unique idea!

There are some grammatical errors, but those can be corrected with proofreading and a grammar/spell check site such as grammarly or an equivalent. I LOVE this idea that you have about writing dreams as stories. I've never seen anything like it on any of the writing apps and sites that I use. Your use of detail is excellent as well and really paints a picture for the reader while still allowing them to use their imagination. Excellent job, I hope you add more stories in the future.

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Amazing!

The first short story was dark and interesting. Who knew so much could be said in just a few paragraphs? I could feel the emotion throughout the entire thing, especially when he said "For love" and you talk about him walking away.

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One of my favorite series!

I accidentally read the books out of order, but this is just as addicting as the second book! The detail is amazing, you can feel every emotion, and I can honestly relate to Blaire and Maya's friendship. This book is all that I expected and more even if I read them out of order. I haven't finished book 2, but now I really want to finish it. I'm not usually one to get addicted to an erotica romance series, but holy cow am I addicted and I will probably reread the series over and over again! There were a few grammatical errors, but other than that I didn't see any issues! Keep up the amazing work!

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An excellent start

I enjoyed the first couple of chapters. You had good use of detail in the first chapter, which is awesome because some readers really enjoy that. I love how I was able to picture the thunderstorm and the blue eyes in my head because of how descriptive you were The only thing I would suggest is that you are more descriptive with the characters and not just the setting.

I felt like the first paragraph was a little choppy because of how many periods were used, so I would try to use commas and semicolons as well. I also think you meant to type "hemophobic" and not "homophobic" in the first chapter. It's not a huge mistake, but I figured you ought to know so that when you go back to edit at any point, you know exactly what to look for. I also think that the chapters could be a little longer, by a couple of paragraphs or so because the chapters seemed to be a little rushed for my pace.

Other than that, great job with the first two chapters! I can't wait to read more!

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Where is the passion?

There are some gramatical errors, but those can be fixed with proofreading from peers and/or a grammar site like Grammarly. The plot is there, but where is the passion? Passion and creativity are what drives a story and is what motivates an author. You've introduced the characters and that's great, but I, as a reader, know nothing about them except that they're step siblings. I agree that you should start by making the paragraphs longer and more detailed.

Show, don't tell. I know it's hard because I even struggle with it, but hard work can go a long way. Show us the relationship between the siblings leading up to the first scene. Are they close? What are their likes and dislikes? What do they look like? What is the setting? In the first scene, where you're introducing the brother, what is he feeling? We know that he knows she isn't "the one", but why isn't she? What is the brother looking for? What makes that woman not "the one"?

The same goes for the sister. Aside from what is said in the chapter, what else is she feeling? Is she frustrated? Is she jealous? Or does the situation not bother her?

The potential is there you just need to find the passion because you already have the creativity. Take the potential, the passion, and the creativity and run with it. If writier's block is the issue, make an outline of the main points of the plot, and the scenes leading up to those main points just might fall into your hands.

I've been where you are right now. I used to have short and simple chapters with my sci-fi romance book, but I went back and expanded on it. You're on the right path, you just need a little bit of guidance. Stay strong, you got this!

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Interesting

The first few chapters were interesting and I found little to no grammatical errors.

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An Excellent Read

I really enjoyed the story. The plot was excellent and so were the characters and I understand it's a short story but I'm craving more. There is so much room to give more development to the characters, as well as to build onto the already existing plot. I'd like to know more about Granger and how he became a Nooker. You have the main events that create the plot, I want to see more on how we got to those points and when occurs after them.

Here is what I, as a reader, would like to know about the characters. What happens after Hanabi leaves that facility? How did Granger become a Nooker? What made Granger become the man that he was in that single chapter? How did Hanabi get the job that she has? Did she ever go to college? Does she have any friends? Did she ever run into the other three men after she was released? What became to the other three men? Hanabi and Granger appeared to have a connection during their time together, does that connection lead to a relationship that isn't strictly sexual?

Like I said, these are just questions that I, as a reader, have. Other than that, the story was enjoyable, keep up the good work!

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A Good Start

The chapter is a good start to the story. However, I felt that it was rushed. I didn't really catch on to the main character's relationship with her parents before they left, so I would like to see more of that in future chapters. Other than that, it's an excellent read.

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I love it!

I love the plot and character development. I could relate to Dani with the whole Mikey situation, which is good, you want the characters to be relatable to the audience.

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It has potential

Overall, I enjoyed reading the book and I'm a big fan of TVD. However, I felt it was rushed especially in the first few chapters. Try to expand it more. Allow the readers to see the characters develop. Personally, I would suggest writing down the major plot points so you can physically see them and then think about how the characters reach those points in the story. Like I said, you're on the right track you just need a little guidence. As for the grammar, I'm not too worried about it.

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An Amazing Story!

This is such a beautiful story so far. I love the plot and character development. Jax is so patient with Haley. He doesn't judge her for her past and tries to help her get better. It's so touching. I can't wait for future chapters.

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An Interesting combination!

I love how you combined what I would consider being historical and action/science fiction. It makes the story unique and able to reach multiple audiences. Honestly, one of the characters reminded me of a friend of mine, which made me enjoy the story even more! My only suggestions are that you consider shortening the paragraphs and corrrect a few gramatical errors.

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An enjoyable read

I absolutely love the story, good job!

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My Mystery Man

I really enjoyed the first few chapters. You had a lot of detail and I also like how well you're keeping the man's identity hidden.

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Be My Last

I've only started reading it, but overall I'm enjoying it. However, there are somr grammatical errors that can easily be fixed with grammarly or something similar to it.

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An excellent start

I've only read the first couple chapters but so far it's an enjoyable read and an interesting plot. Keep up the good work!

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It has some interesting first few chapters

The prologue was very intriguing. You did an excellent job at describing the character's back story, it really made me dislike the character's father.

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Beautiful!

I love everything about this book from the plot to the characters to your use of detail! Keep up the good work!

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Intriguing

The story itself is intriguing and has good imagery. However, I would suggest that you cut down on repeating the main character's name and use more pronouns.

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I LOVE it!!!

I absolutely love this book. I enjoy reading books that are similar to this one. Excellent job with the plot!

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Awesome job

I've only read the first chapter, but I already love the book! I love how much detail you put into the character's emotions, surroundings, etc. I look forward to reading the rest of the book!

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Definitely going on my reading list!

I love the plot! I also like how relatable your character was to me, and introvert. You really let the plot flow smoothly. I really enjoy these types of romance books. There were a few minor grammatical and punctuation errors, so I would suggest either having someone proofread it for you or use an app or website designed to check spelling, grammar, etc. I use Grammarly on my laptop, you can find it in the app store and it's free to download.

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Not my cup of tea

I'm not really much of a horror reader, which is probably the number one reason that I didn't enjoy the story. I could only bring myself to read the prologue and the first two chapters before I stopped reading it. It's not that the author is a bad writer or that there was no passion or creativity behind the plot, the story just wasn't for me. On a brighter note, I found little to no grammatical errors and have no issues with their writing style. In fact, I encourage the author to continue writing.

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