Adrian Roth

Engaging Fantasy

While this novel is still in progress, the existing chapters carry the reader along as details about the characters and the world are slowly revealed. The author clearly takes the time to develop her characters. There are instances where setting details seem slightly disjointed and there are some distracting grammatical errors, yet nothing that couldn’t be easily fixed with a bit of editing/proofreading and nothing out of the blue for a first draft. So far the plot is a bit slow as the main focus is on the characters, their inner turmoil, and their journey to the heroine’s home, but I’m sure more well defined external conflict and action is just around the bend. Personally, I love the excerpts at the beginning of the chapters, it’s a nice touch that really helps to make the reader feel as if they are visiting a whole new fantastical realm.
This definitely feels like a first draft, but so far great job :)

Face paced, and leaves you wishing for more.

Hi Hannah,

Your story was gripping, a real 'scroller' (since page-turner is not applicable here!). The plot is direct and keeps you eager as you travel with the character, and you master jumping between characters' point of view, but the pace is very fast and the chapters feel sparse. Unless you meant for this to be a short story (?), it left me wishing you had fleshed it out more. I wanted for a bit more plot/subplot, character, and setting development, for example: the prince being an ally, not "evil," like his father, or Selene's memories of the Fae kingdom. Overall, I think you have a strong, clear voice and great ideas, and I hope to see more from you! I hope this con-crit was helpful and I would love to hear your feedback on my chapters :)

Cheers - Adrian

The King's Slave: a diamond in the (grammatical) rough

This novel has all the quintessential elements of a fantasy romance. The plot is well developed and unfolds in a manner that reveals key elements in twists the average reader may not guess so easily. The author's dexterity is revealed in her appropriately placed flashbacks, although it could be said that some elements of the "memories" are unnecessary to the plot. The characters are realistic, however there are places they become melodramatic due to verb choice: for example, "Seth bellowed..." Overall, I would give the plot and characters' development 4.2/5. My only true gripes with this story are the title, and the grammar and writing style. I feel the title (and the cover art for that matter) does not befit this work. As a grammar and writing tutor, the overwhelming amount of grammatical errors is very distracting and writing style detracts slightly from the beauty of the story.
The King's Slave is certainly a diamond in the rough which could easily become published with editing and polishing! Excellent job, AerithSage, you have an incredible imagination and I am excited to read more of your work soon!
P.S. Additionally, if you would like, I would be more than happy to offer editing services and/or advice.