Review of “Keep Your Promises by Sabitha Kirithaban
You have the great makings of a good story here. Wonderful concepts of description but a bit too wordy.
Read the story now
I realize you are trying to convey how nervous and scared she is, but repeating yourself three times is “ad copy” not literature. A narrative story can not be written like the diary entries of a frightened, overwhelmed 17 year old. If you WANT that kind of writing then date the pages with day and month and write a diary. If you are looking for narrative structure, you need to keep the story in ONE TIME SENSE; either everything is past or present tense (take my word for it, present tense is VERY hard to write well.) Organize the thoughts better. Each paragraph is supposed to present a new idea in the scene, don't break away paragraphs that contain further evidence of the paragraph above it. You don't have to separate dialogue from the enlightening material in the following paragraph.
In one paragraph you say the doctor's eyes are blue, later you say brown. Keep track of your character traits. I always have notes on my characters.
Other than the death of parents, Emma's illness and her attempted suicide, and Scarlett's cheating boyfriend, what problems do Scarlett have? Emma says she was a social butterfly growing up, why does she say everyone hates her now? You don't explain that. If it is just that as a senior in school, she's not part of the “in crowd” big deal! She could still have her own crowd, why does she say she has haters? From what Emma says, she should still have at least a best bud, if not her own crowd. This needs to be brought into the story. Scarlett is going to need friends to find Darcy.
Did Emma give her report to the police when Darcy was kidnapped? And I don't live in any part of the British Commonwealth, but from the way you write, I perceive you are … did Emma put Darcy up for adoption or in a sort of orphanage that allowed her to spend time with her daughter, but the child slept in the facility at night? There is no place like that in America. Either you give up the child or you don't, period.