Caesar

Very Intriguing

This is a review based on 3 chapters.

What I liked

-Good chemistry between characters. Maya and her fellow cast seem to get along well. They don't seem to have manufactured conflict or annoying personalities. They are good characters.

-Overall Nice Pacing. I do have an issue I'll point out but the general direction your story seems to have is a good one. It has a direction worth investing time on.

-Loads of mystery potential. I like the fact that the story not only seems to play with the idea of time but is also set in a time period not many stories seem to tap into.

What I might Have Changed/Considered

-General Editing Fixes. Every writer needs them but the story is really affected by what needs fixing currently. That definitely makes it harder to invest time.

Possible Fix. Grammar and tense would be easy fixes but if you also have a friend who can help, that would be awesome.

-Better Pacing and Exposition Fixes. Audiences tend to not retain information when it doesn't immediately translate to plot. By that, I mean if you introduce a character in Chapter 1 with information that won't be valuable until Chapter 26, there's a chance your audience will forget. A good example is Maya's friend who has a backstory that might be forgotten very early on. Maybe if a chapter or two was dedicated to their friendship, it would really give the journey more weight.

Some plot elements are also too fast for the story you're trying to tell. An example would be Antonio and Maya's relationship happens too early, considering Antonio and Alex's history. It ends up making Maya look like she doesn't care about that. If they instead built that relationship on the trip, with Alex learning to forgive Antonio, that would be more interesting.

But a time-travelling mystery story is a success waiting to happen. I'm confident that with some fixes here and there, it would be nothing short of wonderful. I personally see the potential.

Respect

This is a review based on 4 chapters but I hold high praise regardless.

What I Definitely Liked
-Extremely detailed world building. There is a specificity to the world and the events surrounding it that make it feel very much lived in. I do have a specific problem but for now, this is some real hard work to the craft.

-Empathetic Main Protagonist. Ivy as the main character carries a lot of empathy and so does her brother Oliver who also seems to be going through quite a rough life of his own. There is a balance to both of them that really will resonate with your intended audience.

-Overall Strong Conflict. The idea of the plague and how it shapes the world is also a strong factor. Different groups of people are compelled to make certain decisions based on how the world currently is for better or worse. That makes for an interesting progression.

-Strong characters. Each of the new characters introduced has more than a few layers to themselves and the author seems dedicated to making each of them fully realized.

What I May Give Fair Warning

-Exposition/Action Ratio is limited. I know this style of writing and I personally attribute it as a more Ludlum/Grisham/Sheldon/Archer style of penmanship, where there are a lot of important details that are offered per chapter prior to and in the middle of scant action and while that does ground things, it tends to make reading prose difficult. There's obviously fans of this style, myself included, but the risk here is that an audience could very easily be tempted to skip entire paragraphs because of the information presented.

Out of respect for the fact that the book is complete, I won't assume this is something that needs fixing. It's obviously a writing style. As long as the author is okay with this, I'll only treat is as a minor issue.

-Political climate of conflict. Obviously the book holds adult level discussions and I think they're for the most part handled really well. But the Ludlum/Grisham/Sheldon style allows for character dissection that will substantially alienate some of the audiences and that is bold strokes for an author. That is personally why I offer 5 stars.

If you are looking for something outside of the box, I'd recommend giving it a try.

Simple and Lovely

Strong Points

-Cloyd and Laura's chemistry.

They are overall cute to read about. I like that they really love each other and it's not difficult to find them likeable. A good romance story. That's really rare to find these days.

-Overall good conflict

I like what Euthanasia is about. They don't have an easy decision to make and they've already been through a lot. Even the ending is a strong one and with slight editing, it's going to be something that'll bring your audience to tears.

What I'd change

-You'd rather have one good moment between the two than ten very short moments that ultimately don't go anywhere. Remember every second of someone reading a story counts.

Possible fix. Rather than the entire backstory which has moments that are too short, either edit it and make it longer or cut it and spend more time with his last day, even if it ends up being shorter.

-You could make it slightly tighter in some areas. I think the pacing is fine with some editing but there are moments that run on for too long in my opinion. The overall displays of affection are lovely but having them that frequent makes the entire story feel ordinary.

Possible fix. Areas where the two are doing things they've already done a second ago, let that go. They were kissing a second ago and they're doing it again? Cut it. They were talking about how much it hurts a second ago and now they're doing it again? Cut it.

-You could try rearranging some events to add emotion. Take for example his death after pulling the plug. That's a moment you give more time to allow gravity.

"That night, when Lora asked Cloyd for permission, he gave a
simple nod. Looking back, Lora should have said something, anything in response.
But she simply nodded right back and held her tears. The doctors arrived and
for one brief moment, Lora saw his eyes, perhaps even more blue than they've ever
been, and he breathed his last. Those eyes now watched over her from another world,
and she felt safe. Even as she stood at his tombstone years later, Laura Cloyd
Fernandez, now a mother of small children in a rescue center, could only smile.

"Love you, my love."

Something like that. Otherwise, your story is really good. I liked reading it.

Poignant

The short story is simple and impactful.

What I liked

-Simple but Effective Main Character. I like that the story didn't give the main protagonist a lot of unnecessary baggage or backstory, just relevant enough to know what he's doing and why he's doing it.

-Simple but Effective Conflict. The stakes are clear as are the consequences. The story offers nothing more or less and that's remarkable.

-Great Flow of Thoughts. I think the story worked exactly as intended and the pacing was just right to convey the message.

What I Would Consider

-Colorful language It's a nitpick of mine but if you'll allow, some areas of prose work better with simpler words that instead convey more meaning. There can be a way to treat every single moment in such a grand manner that the peaks don't feel like peaks anymore. But I do know people who appreciate the style so I won't treat it as more than a minor issue.

-Slightly more world building. Another nitpick if you'll allow but maybe a tiny glimpse more into the world you have cultivated in your short story might boost curiosity about it. I genuinely loved the vagueness of it and I think it worked for the most part but I wonder if there was one or two other placements of the foreignness would have worked better. Maybe if the tribe had another name for the mountain, or if their winter outfits were made from certain animals as a result of their faith. Something like that that evokes curiosity into wanting to know more.

The fact that I only have nitpicks is proof of how much I liked the short story. You nailed it and I wish more people find the story.

Write More

That was good. Can't wait for the sequel.

Short and Sweet

What I liked

-Overall Nice Pacing. Events didn't take longer than they needed to.

-Nice Articulation. There were some moments that felt slightly off but the general point of your story was clear and heartwarming.

What I Could Change

-General Editing Fixes. Every writer needs them but I think it slightly hampered the story you wanted to tell and in the end, it's the reason I couldn't give a 4 star like I initially wanted. Nothing you couldn't edit in a few hours.

-Explore Conflict. There were points in the story where you hinted at a possible conflict for your character but didn't go with it. I think you should consider exploring them. Think about it this way. Imagine if we knew why 2021 and 2020 was terrible for the main protagonist instead of assuming we had a similar experience. He sounds like a pianist. What if the main character had built shows for 2020 and 2021 only to have his entire plans shut down?

What if he wasn't able to write a new piece like he wanted, couldn't pay rent and was forced to vacate and has been living in a friends house and was only able to afford paper. Think about how impactful the letters he got would now be. Or even how important those letters would be to her junior if she knew this was the only thing he could afford apart from food. Something like that helps people relate more to characters.

-Explore Character. As short as the story was, there was room to know more about this character in a way that made a lasting impact. You don't have to add too many details, just a few will do. Maybe he's someone who loves remembering songs and dances when an ice cream truck passes by. Maybe he likes washing his armpits before he drinks water. Something that really sticks out so people feel like for a second, they knew about your character.

I think the story is pretty wholesome and I really wanted to give it more love. I'm sure with a few fixes, the ending that I feel you were going for would work really well.

A Great Start

What I liked

-The potential the world building has. Normally with young adult oriented stories, there's usually a bare minimum thought added beyond the slice of life elements and that tends to make them difficult to make an impression. But The Crimson Dimension might have interesting stories to tell if it's going to explore how being older and being heroes at that is going to affect the growth of teenagers. Are there experiences they are going to have a lot sooner? Will their relationship to other kids their age change now that they feel grown up?

It could lead to a very interesting Shazam kind of dilemma.

-Definitely Passes the 3 chapter test. I often try to have a least 3 chapters of someone's story so I can be as fair as possible but this is surprisingly easy to get beyond that.

-Overall Good Pacing. The author is very clearly talented and somewhat experienced with the genre they are writing. This is nothing more than acknowledgement of what they already know to be true.

What I Could Explore

Obviously, stories with this frame are going to have a lot of competition so standing out is going to be very important. Given the story you want to tell, I'll state areas where the story can find different footing..

-Explore Inner Conflict. These kids are going through constant state of growing and being young heroes at that and that realistically does mean they will be 17-18 year old souls in 12-13 year old frames. Will that shape reality for them? Will there be moments where they constantly forget they still have to grow? I can imagine a book series where they constantly grow more awkward and keep trying to chase their older versions that's cooler and better looking.

-Explore the Crimson Dimension. If there are heroes who are ultimately kids struggling with high school, maybe there's also supervillains who are ultimately kids in high school. It's only a few chapters in so maybe you're already doing these things but if there was interest in ideas, I'm placing several. I imagine themes of bullying, getting over a crush, failing exams and how that might just create someone who feels like being older
with superpowers means they can finally destroy the world that makes them sad.

-Give Kelly an active goal. I'll be honest, Kelly does sound somewhat familiar with her sarcasm and overall gloominess and a lot of 12 year old kids are like that but stories go beyond the relatable for a reason. Maybe there's a musical soon and she wants to impress her mom. Maybe a main villain is in the real world a snobbish nerd who never listens to anyone who isn't smart so Kelly vows to pass the exams and save the world without having to fight her/him. Superheroes are cool when they constantly have their hero lives fight against their goals.

Overall, I love the story and the potential it has to be great.