clavellazarre

Warrior of the Gods

I think you may be a newer writer, which is why you are writing this one chapter at a time. It's almost not fair to the reviewer because this first chapter maybe 100% different when the final chapters are done. Or worse, this is a first draft. But, I will review it. First, the language is good. I mean the text is readable. But long. Very long for a first chapter. It needs serious editing. By editing I mean cutting. The text conveys the same message ad nauseum. She thinks she is a loser. We get it. Now...get to why. Even better, don't tell us, show us why she is a loser. In other words, write the actual story of why she is going through this, and not through exposition, but through actual story. And do it quickly. Get to the point. By the time we got to actual dialogue, to get the story moving, it was so long into the chapter I already started skimming, missing the point.
The writer has the ability to write however. I saw a story in this. It needs to be edited, cut, polished, but its in there, so the bones are good

Lightquest

Hi Jaberwocky. I read your story, most of it. I think it is a beautiful story, and as a narrative it can be engaging. The problem I had was it was slow. So much exposition and so little dialogue. I just felt that there needed to be more engagement of my visceral senses. More power, more danger, more excitement. Its a new world but I never got the sense of WHY these two were in love. What made them fall for each other? It seemed like a plot device. And the PULL? Man, I'm sorry but I just didn't get it. And reading all those words with no dialogue? That's dangerous for a new writer in my opinion. You have to set the pace and the tone to make me feel the excitement. The world building was O.K but also left me with more questions that the longer it took to answer the less interested I became. I think that your passion for writing and your words do show up here very well and I was intrigued by this great new planet. It just did not reach into my mind and paint the picture. Don't mind me though, I am only one small man and I only have one opinion. I wish you the best of luck and I think the story will be great!

Walker of the Wasted Wazw

Amazing. Truly powerful and unique. A masterpiece of fiction and art commingled in one. Walker will change you forever. I can't wait for the other installments.