clavellazarre

brooklyn

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Warrior of the Gods

I think you may be a newer writer, which is why you are writing this one chapter at a time. It's almost not fair to the reviewer because this first chapter maybe 100% different when the final chapters are done. Or worse, this is a first draft. But, I will review it. First, the language is good. I mean the text is readable. But long. Very long for a first chapter. It needs serious editing. By editing I mean cutting. The text conveys the same message ad nauseum. She thinks she is a loser. We get it. Now...get to why. Even better, don't tell us, show us why she is a loser. In other words, write the actual story of why she is going through this, and not through exposition, but through actual story. And do it quickly. Get to the point. By the time we got to actual dialogue, to get the story moving, it was so long into the chapter I already started skimming, missing the point.
The writer has the ability to write however. I saw a story in this. It needs to be edited, cut, polished, but its in there, so the bones are good

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Lightquest

Hi Jaberwocky. I read your story, most of it. I think it is a beautiful story, and as a narrative it can be engaging. The problem I had was it was slow. So much exposition and so little dialogue. I just felt that there needed to be more engagement of my visceral senses. More power, more danger, more excitement. Its a new world but I never got the sense of WHY these two were in love. What made them fall for each other? It seemed like a plot device. And the PULL? Man, I'm sorry but I just didn't get it. And reading all those words with no dialogue? That's dangerous for a new writer in my opinion. You have to set the pace and the tone to make me feel the excitement. The world building was O.K but also left me with more questions that the longer it took to answer the less interested I became. I think that your passion for writing and your words do show up here very well and I was intrigued by this great new planet. It just did not reach into my mind and paint the picture. Don't mind me though, I am only one small man and I only have one opinion. I wish you the best of luck and I think the story will be great!

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Red initiate

I've read this story twice. I have to say the good parts first. The language is great. The images are great. And there is poetry in the prose. But, I felt like it was too much alliteration and imagination and not enough grounding in reality. The characters, even when experiencing murder, never came alive to me. There was not any suspense and I got no emotional payback from anything. Mostly I found myself re-reading the same part over an over again to try to figure out what was going on, who was speaking, what majic was being used, what planet, etc..The synopsis at the beginning, or the quotes, leads the reader to believe that it has something to do with the story. It doesnt. So why is it there? Why are there words from anonymous people who we do not know or care about?
I tried to understand the dynamics of the relationships, but there was no story there. We hopped from one plot point to another with no context. Even the murder was confusing. The text was very passive aggressive. "He did this and He did that" sort of thing. Full of narrative voice, Even his conscience, or wisdom ,was passive and I am not sure if the grammar was done correctly because I was never sure who was he talking to? Sometimes Red would answer, sometimes not.
Even the beginning. "I am called Red" Ok. That is good. But then, it's... (I am paraphrasing since we can't copy and paste) "At least, that is what everyone started calling me.." This is very weak. He is RED or he is NOT. If the character doesn't know who he is how are we? There is no claim, no stake, no definitive. It is not a story in my opinion, but a collection of pretty words and images. But, where is the plot movement? I did not get that we were going anywhere. The character was ill defined and it was like trying to capture a ghost, for me.
I read it twice to make sense of it, but I still don't get it. If you asked me what happened in the story I would have to tell you i have no clue. For me the story needs to get simpler, less words more action. Too much passive back story and too many gadgets and gimmicks and sci-fy stuff that I have no idea about. Words are dropped in like bombs, all due to the writers imagination but with no context and back story or even use. Don't tell me, show me. WHY is he running? Let me feel the story, not read the writing. For me, the writer can write words. But the story needs to be edited, cut down and re-tooled to make it generic. That sounds harsh, but as an example., Assimov in Foundation wrote in such a way that I could read it as a 11 year old boy and still get it. And he had a PH.D is physics and invented an entire new Genre. So, this writing needs to become more grounded and just get to the point. Let me have it, let me feel the pain, the power, something. And not through language, but through the spirit of the text.
Beside that I thought it was great! Again, just my opinions.

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Walker of the Wasted Wazw

Amazing. Truly powerful and unique. A masterpiece of fiction and art commingled in one. Walker will change you forever. I can't wait for the other installments.

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