Very well done. Thoroughly enjoyable and kept me glued the entire time. The story ran smoothly and there was great horror after a finely crafted buildup. A very satisfying tale with terrific dark comedy to go along with awful events. You used a full toolbox of storytelling throughout and the final passage was especially suspenseful. The twist at the end is good (even if you see it coming) because of the way you tie everything together so neatly. The only quibble I have (extremely minor) is that the initial sequence with the roommate is a little long. A repetitive thing or two could be snipped (or sawed off, however you like). This was a sparkling example of horror done very well. Hoping to read more. Cheers!Read the story now
Very nice story of grief and ghosts. I enjoyed the way it unfolded, moving from mourning to evil spirits that may or may not be there. The opening is sad and mysterious. The ending left me with a spectral mystery. A very enjoyable read. I put my vote in for this story.
For constructive criticism, I feel the opening was a bit too wordy. The words were nice and definitely set the mood, but there are a few too many of them. From when the woman first sees the ghostly man, the pace picks up. You write with great energy in that section and the sentences flow really nicely because they aren't overly long.
I was also unclear on how the man died and how it's all related to her ghostly visions. The dead man had an asthma attack but I didn't understand why he had promised her he wouldn't fall asleep and why he was in a hospital. I also didn't see why she said to the spirit(s) that they took him from her. These details were foggy. I'd like to see a clearer connection.
With that said, you did a fine job of establishing the woman's grief and the traumatic effect of the man's death on her. I feel these were the driving factors of the story. They kept me glued. I love good ghost stories like these. Good work and I hope to read more.
A Good Read
To begin, I don't think that the first review of this story was fair at all. Based on the popularity of this story, I would say the one-star review hasn't done much harm, but I still felt the need to address it. Now I will do my best to be constructive.
I liked the concept of this story. I found it compelling in its take on demonic possession. The demonic voice felt written with relish. I also appreciated seeing the effect of the possession on the family. There was real compassion there clashing alongside the joyful cruelty from the demon. I cared about what happened to the characters and was invested in what happened. What was most interesting to me were the passages about the mechanics of demonic possession (very clever and original) and the effects it had on Sally and her family. Nicely done.
However, I wasn't quite sure what to make of this story in the end. Is this a story about a possessed girl and her family or is this a-day-in-the-life-of-a-demon story? I'm not sure because of the narrative shift of the last two chapters. The shift in structure threw me off.
Also, I think the story runs too long & that the action starts too slowly. To me, the prologue serves no purpose. I also believe other passages that need cutting. My attention also wandered a bit when the demon was pontificating. Reading what the demon thinks about religion, human vulnerability and other issues is okay, but these parts run too long. They also didn't really move the story along for me. To be fair, almost all writing (including this review) can do with some cuts and overall, the story is very strong.
This was definitely a good horror story and well worth reading.