Full disclosure, I read about half of the first chapter and no more. I think you know what you want in the story, you know the plot you have in mind, and you sound like you have a pretty solid grip on your characters. But it hurts my head to read through it. The technical issues are holding this story back. With some proofreading and maybe a good beta reader, this would be much easier to understand and much easier to read. I can't get past the tense changes and the grammar to make a solid judgement on the style, plot, characters, and setting. You have potential. Don't give up. But please find a beta to help you revise and edit.
Read the story now