I like the fact that it's poetic. But, you'll need to make this story into a more narrative form. Maybe, use the poetry to build the concept for you and then write as you would a proper story or novel. As it is, it reads like a poem, which, if you think about it, is not something that fans of erotica...fancy. I'm a poet too, so try not blur the lines. If you want to write erotica, then write erotica. You can't be too cryptic with erotica, because erotica is about describing erotic scenes, and appealing to the part of one's mind that is visual, or at least able to visualise. Women especially, get no satisfaction out of looking at erotic imagery, but describe it to them in the finest detail and they are sold. Anyway, I like it, and that's just my piece of advice, from one writer to another. I hope you don't take it personally, and I'd like to read some of your other poetry, if there is any.
Read the story now