The subject matter is interesting, but the story telling is so fast paced, I didn't care about, or get attached to any of the characters. Might work better as a screenplay, where pacing has to be fast because of a condensed timeframe. The punctuation isn't great (tons of run on sentences), but that can be overlooked. The dialogue is pretty decent, but many of the descriptive sentences are confusing. The author will just allude to something with little description, in hopes that the reader will hang around to find out what he means. That's great, if you're into the story. Admittedly, I'm not the target audience for this story, but I'm sure this would be a big hit with the younger generation of Fantasy lovers.
Read the story now