George Pastore

Slick Little Read!

Flash fiction isn't easy to pull off but this is a good example of it done well. Your descriptions are solid and I applaud the overall idea behind this tale.

The tense used seems to sway a bit in how the descriptions go. Some word choices if different would make some of this pull together a bit more tightly.

Some examples:

"Clouds cover the moon, and erase the stars" > "Clouds cover the moon, erasing the stars."
Getting rid of "and" and changing "erase" to erasing fit the tense of everything happening now better.

"Everything goes black. And this…this must be hell. Because I can still hear that laughter."
V
"Everything is going black...this must be hell, because I can still hear that laughter."

Again just a matter of making the story flow better in the present tense.

It could be written off as a matter of preference, this is your story after all :)

Just critiquing and offering you another way chose your words.
Hope you find this helpful!

Cheers!

- George

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