Gracie Qu

Hi, I'm Gracie! I have just graduated from College. I've won Scholastic writing contests since middle and high school, but I am still working to improve my writing every day!

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Great start

Hi, I'm so sorry for the delay in writing this review! I'm in the middle of moving, so having time to sit down and read had been scarce. This is still an unfinished book, so it's hard for me to give a judgment so solidly when I know it's not even close to completion. That being said, I want to praise you for your descriptions as well as your action sentences. They're well written, and you paint the characters and the world well. However, I do also want to reiterate what others have said in your review: you can slow down the beginning. The plot seems to zoom past me, and often times I would have to go back and reread to make sure I hadn't missed anything that happened in between. I can tell you're very eager for your story and want to get to the better parts, but don't forget that setup is just as important.

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A fantasy novel that ends with a cliffhanger

You've got a pretty crazy novel on your hand. And by "crazy", I mean wild fun and not with the bad connotation. The world is very extensive, and the powers are extraordinarily interesting. I know you wrote on the review forum that you are looking for battle writing techniques and exchanges, but honestly I don't think you need any tips in that area. You're already excelling in writing battle sequences, and I really think it's one of your strong points and not one of your weak points. In fact, I'd say your weaker points is your narration style and grammatical errors. I understand a more formal style of writing when it comes to dialogue, especially with your setting, but I don't think it's as necessary to keep when describing and usual narration as it will likely pull readers away from the world instead of draw them towards the world. However, that is also more personal taste so take it with a grain of salt.

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An interesting premise that grows

I can tell you've worked hard on this novel, and I still hold true to my original opinion on an interesting premise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe this still might be your first draft? In this case, I think what you can improve on the most is the beginning. While I was reading, I noticed your grammar got consistently better as each chapter went by as did your overall flow and pacing. Which is to be expected. My weak spot in writing had also always been the beginning because it just takes time to know exactly where you want your characters and your story to go. The best advice someone gave me to fix my beginning is to read the first few chapters out loud. You catch mistakes easier by hearing yourself versus reading it inside your head.

One of the biggest things I've noticed is that you like to put multiple dialogue in a paragraph. EX: "It's pretty hot," I said. "It's not too bad," he replied. <-- In a situation like this, it's better to just have separate paragraphs for each character talking as it is not only easier on the eyes but better for the reader to keep track of who's talking. I hope this helps and best of luck on your writing endeavors!

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A good novel about our trying times

Your book isn't the first book that I've read on Inkitt that wanted to address the troubling issues that have cropped up in the US. But I definitely think your book is the better one of the two. The hardest part about social issue novels is that the author has to make sure he or she isn't SLAMMING the moral of the story into the readers' faces, something that DID happen with the first novel. However, you have very successfully managed to weave all the problems into a very believable plot. The context, the situations, and dialogue are all very believable and because of that, it no longer comes off as preachy.

I'm also a big fan of the main character. I think he's very unique and very believable. He's an imperfect man with many flaws, but he's a good person at heart who's just trying to be the best he can be. He's just so personable and understandable and yes, a cheater, but it drives home the idea that all humans are flawed, even heroes.

The only two notes I have is 1. I don't personally have a problem with this, but I think there might be others who see this more of a "white savior" story than actually just a tired protagonist who's just trying the best he can and get offended on that behalf. I just want you to be aware in case that does happen. 2. The ending was a tad bit abrupt, and I think the last chapter could've gone just a little bit longer. But this is such a minor point that it honestly doesn't affect my review/rating of this novel at all. Hope my words encourage and help!

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Keep up the momentum!

You have less then ten chapters written, but just from that, I can already tell it's going to be a fun ride. Your language is absolutely beautiful, and I'm personally someone who loved every description you wrote in your book. Not only that, your grammar has been impeccable despite the fact that you're not even done writing the novel yet. You've set the stage with an interesting setting and with interesting characters. A small detail I really liked are the Shakespearean names, which I think really adds color and flair to the world as well as the characters.

Honestly, just keep up with what you've already written. Already, your chapters flowed easily into each other, and as long as you don't lose this momentum you have already built up, you're going to have a really good book with very little edits in the end.

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Fairies and Vampires

This is an ongoing story still, so I can't say the critiques I'm about to write will pertain to the rest of the story. Usually, fantasy novels regarding vampires often involve werewolves. So it was a very nice surprise to see it is actually FAIRIES vs vampires, and I personally think the writing world haven't given enough attention to these particular creatures in the last few years. That already gives me bonus points to the plot. I can tell that this is a rough draft, so I'm sure the author will likely have these smoothed out by the time she's completed the novel.

I think the biggest critique I have is to add some description! You've got the dialogue down between the characters, which is something that other authors can struggle with, but I would've definitely liked to just see the world around me as well as the people. It really helps paint the world more colorfully. There's also grammatical errors, but that's just something that needs to be finetuned after she's done writing the novel.

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Exciting and Fun

I can definitely see this book hitting off with the age group you're aiming for. I definitely had a lot of fun and was successfully transported back when I was in middle school reading books such as this. The only thing I'm concerned with, and honestly I'm in a similar situation as well only with a different set of series, is that it REALLY reminded me of Harry Potter series. And granted, it's actually very common for there to be several books/series that are very similar to each other on PURE accident and nothing more. But unfortunately, the Harry Potter series is just so famous, it ended up being a nagging thought in the back of my head I couldn't get rid of no matter how hard I try.

Maybe shift around the events? I honestly don't have any good advice to fix this problem, and maybe I'm actually the only one who have it! Because it's unique on its own, and I definitely see all the areas where it's quite different from Harry Potter.

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A gripping tale of a fantasy epic to stop war

Just a fair warning: my novel kind of does the opposite, but I think we're going for the same theme here! This novel is a LOT better than a lot of novels here on Inkitt, and I've read quite a bit at this point. I'm going to start off with the flaws I found in your story first, because I still want you to feel that you've done a good job on the novel. Which you HAVE. If you fix these few points, I think you've got an excellently written story. This is going to be a LONG review, but I want to do you justice.

Con 1: The pacing can be a little too fast. Unfortunately, the inconsistent pacing was jarring enough that I really couldn't ignore and just focus on the story. That's not to say the entire novel has bad pacing. In fact, I'd say the majority's pacing is just right. However, there are some very important plot points in the story where everything happened too fast, and I literally went back to reread the paragraphs to make sure I didn't miss anything. Some examples:

1. Bradford's death after finding out the truth about his wife - it's such a crucial thing to have happened, yet I felt like he just needed to sit down to digest the information instead of actually dying.

2. James' turnaround at Bradworth b/c of his time in prison - I just think there wasn't enough covered with him to make me find it believable that he would finally turn against his friend.

3. Alecta's return - and the reveal that she can be a little too murder happy. They were arguing, and suddenly she was gone in a murder spree, and then just as quickly dragged away.

4. Nick murdering the king - once again, it just happened too quickly without any flourish of "WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?". The narration itself glossed over.

Con 2: Cora. I think Cora as a character just wasn't explored fully. I can see her as some badass, witty woman, but a lot of her arcs just sort of fade away. I felt so riled up with her when she gave the Scragglers freedom, but then it died down almost immediately after she met up with the band and suddenly had a lot of self doubt and uncertainty when she was so certain only a few chapters ago.

But now let's get to the fun part. You have some excellent points I must praise you on.

1. The world. My goodness, the kingdoms are SO interesting and unique and creative! I loved every single one of them that they visited. I loved Crowsbeak the moment it was introduced, and I loved every single city afterwards as well. I think you did such a good job with crafting this fantastical world, and it's just so much fun. Like I legitimately want to visit there just to sightsee as well.

2. Character development with Enid and Bradworth. I personally thought Enid's character development was better done than Bradworth because I saw her coming as this curious, completely oblivious girl to someone who REALLY takes charge and finds confidence in herself and what she wants to do. That's not to say Bradworth's character development wasn't done well. I think he's really matured and grown as a man by the end.

3. Dust's reveal. I really liked that plot twist with him, and once again with the fact that your world is so colorful, having a traveling group of actors is just so intriguing and fun to join along.

Honestly, you have two of THE most important elements of a fantasy story checked (world building and character development). You only have a small way to go for an absolutely extraordinary novel. Keep in mind that I RARELY do extensive reviews like this, but you really deserve it, so I hope it helps!

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A really strong start

Check the box for one of the most important moments for a novel to be successful: an extremely interesting beginning. You had my attention the moment you mentioned "live burial", because no matter how bad of a punishment things can be, "live burial" is not one you often see. Unfortunately, there's not enough written right now for me to give a full review, but I think judging by just one chapter, I would definitely be interested to read more.

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A unique story from a unique perspective

I've read some of the other reviews, and I would like to reiterate with them: this is a very unique story. The protagonist is not someone that's typically a protagonist (a much, much older man), and the plot is very different from typical romantic fantasy novels. The one thing that's getting in the way is grammar. It's not so much sentence structure as it is capitalization. I've noticed that you sometimes capitalize the pronoun/noun at the end of a ," dialogue.

For example (not taken from the novel): "This is really good," He said.

The H in he is supposed to be lower cased in this situation. It's not a consistent error though. Sometimes it's correct, and sometimes it's been capitalized incorrectly again. I think that's the biggest thing you'll need to watch out for here.

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Vampires done right

I think you had one of THE best first person narrative I've read on the site thus far. I could hear Scarlett's voice and tone, I can imagine her personality, and everything shone through. First person, to me personally, is much harder to write because there's a line of "ranting/describing through everything monotonously through a character" and actual personality, and you CLEARLY see that line and stayed far from it. Bravo!

Here comes the critiques: the beginning I think is your weakest part. Granted, beginnings are also MY weakest when it comes to writing, but it definitely started out a bit cliche, especially with the teasing girl talk between her and Lillian and Nick, Mr. Polite Good Impression Guy. I also wished there was more conflict between Lillian and Nick after the surprise twist of him attacking her. I just thought that was, overall, too quickly resolved and just wanted to see more overall bad blood before the two resolve to work together again.

But I STILL gave you 5 stars regardless of those critiques. Because I freaking love the characters. I love, love, LOVE Scarlett as the protagonist. I root for her wherever and whenever, and I just love her sense of humor, and I'm so curious about her backstory. And Lillian was an absolute treat. I think for a storyline industry that's unfortunately saturated (thanks to Twilight's introduction of vampires), unique characters are so important, and you nail that 100%. I was happy to have read your story!

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An Intuitive Look at the World through history

I think you did very well with the plot and the characters. War was written very realistically, and strategies were incredibly well thought out. My critique could honestly be something completely of opinion, so it is up to you to take it seriously or to disregard it. I liked the chapters where poetry was interjected, but the sudden switches between first person and third person was really hard for me to digest. I actually remembered one chapter where I couldn't figure out for the first few paragraphs of dialogue whether it was going to be in first person or third person. I suggest changing the name/format of the chapter title for the switches in POV just to warn certain people of it. Once again, that is something really opinionated, so it's up to you to take it! Overall, I think you did very well.

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Here's to the first book and more to come!

I was fascinated by your story. And the critiques I have are honestly so trivial (and mostly to do with formatting), that it honestly doesn't detract anything from what I really care about - the characters and the plotline. I absolutely commend you for the female characters you've written. They're real, they're powerful, and they're independent all in their own unique ways. I honestly haven't seen such good handling of characters in fantasy stories for a while now. But that's not to say the male characters weren't good either. I absolutely loved Jacob as the naive, honorable noble, and surprisingly, Halvar was one of my favorite characters despite the antagonistic situation he finds himself in with Jacob.

My first critique is honestly really mild. You have a longer novel at hand, so I suggest you actually cut some of the chapters up into smaller chapters. Though that doesn't seem to have an actual effect on the storyline, there is a psychological effect on the reader when they're reading and they're like "Wow, the chapter's still going" versus "Whoa, that's the end of the chapter. NEXT!" B/c it can become rather fatiguing when a chapter doesn't seem to end, and it's completely psychological in this case.

My second critique is the dialogue. For me at least, when you cut up a dialogue into paragraphs, I actually lose track of who's speaking and sometimes had to scroll back up to check the conversation hadn't shifted to a new character. I would suggest that either give a single paragraph of dialogue to each character that speaks or find a way to replace the dialogue with narration instead.

However, as I've said before, my things have nothing to do with the actual story written, and I loved every moment of it. Just something to note: the first chapter did start out slightly cliche with a noble boy not excited about the prospect his father had laid out to him etc etc, but that's not an issue with me because I love reading books that start cliche and become something different (which is your novel). However, I know some people not agree with me as happily, so I just thought I'd give you a heads up on that was all.

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Lots of potential

I'm a huge fan of Greek mythology and any sort of mythology honestly, so this was right up my alleyway. I think what you really need to do is finish the novel, take a break, reread, and prepare for the second draft. What I got from reading is that you have a clear vision of where the plot is going to go and where it should end. However, at the same time, I can tell you're very excited with getting the plot to move forward. As a result, the beginning went by too fast. She was told she's the daughter of a Greek God, and then off she goes to the new school, and then she meets her "soul mate". I didn't really have enough time to grasp the big ball drop of Greek gods existing, and then things have changed and the protagonist has moved on. There are also grammatical errors sprinkled all throughout. I will commend your tone in first person. I think one of the biggest pitfalls for writers who do first person is that the narration becomes a lot of ranting instead of actual narrative, which I did not feel was the case at all here. In summary, I think this is just the beginning of something that will turn out really good!

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Good plot and characters

Honestly, I think the biggest thing you need to work on is the grammatical errors, because your plot is very interesting and your characters are very likeable. My favorite part is SPOILERS FOR NEW READERS when he actually died and the prophecy was fulfilled. That wasn't something I saw coming, and you continued with your plot twists throughout the novel. The grammatical errors, however, can become very distracting. You have run-on sentences, missing commas, and just several other errors sprinkled throughout the entire story, and unfortunately, it is enough to distract me even though there's a great story right in front of me. If you have trouble with grammar, I suggest finding someone who's SUPER nitpicky about grammatical things to clean it up. Once the grammatical errors are gone, I'm sure many people would flock to this story because you do have something great.

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Painfully and Wonderfully done

I can feel the emotions emitting from the words in the short story. The language is extraordinarily smooth, and it's overall very well written. It's a short story of course, but I still wish we had a little more background on the protagonist to connect with her even more. Other than that, excellent job.

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A gripping story that leaves on a cliffhanger

I have to say I really love the world and plot you set up. Having something as scary as the "unwinding" really kind of messes up your schedule in life, and I keep forgetting that middle school years are considered basically in 30's in these people's minds. I can DEFINITELY tell you got more comfortable in your own writing as the story went on. The writing style got progressively smoother and smoother, and the grammatical errors less and less. I think it's just the first few chapters that needs some rewrites done! My suggestion: reread your last few chapters and compare it to your first few. I think you will see a clear difference in language as well as fluidity. Keep the necessary plot points but apply a new "layer" to the writing like you did in the later chapters. It'll help with keeping the readers sucked in in the beginning, and keep the pacing nice and smooth. Overall, good job!

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A lot of Potential

Before anything, I apologize in advance if I sound brutal. I try my best to remain as honest as possible with critiques. The story has potential, but it still has some distance to travel before it's ready. The biggest reasoning is the pacing. I often find myself unable to concentrate on the story because I get so distracted by what had just happened before and something has happened again, leaving me no time to catch up. Give time for transitions and time for things to calm down a bit. I also think the first chapter could hit the readers with a bigger punch. Even though the first few paragraphs intrigued me, when it immediately cut to two girls doing laundry, the questions and excitement that had built up died down. My biggest suggestion for you is to actually read your story out loud. I think that'll flesh out all the areas that goes too quickly, and you can quickly edit them to pace smoother.

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An interesting plot and concept

I am so, so sorry for this late review. A lot of things have happened in my life, and I just couldn't find the time to sit down and write this properly. However, luckily, I wrote down my thoughts, so I have not actually forgotten the story. First thing first, I really loved the society and culture you have created in your story. It's unique, but at the same time realistic. I could tell you did your hand in researching early man societies, and I kind of got the sense that you had a lot of fun learning about them as well, which showed in your writing. It made your world intriguing, and I integrated easily. I do, however, agree with one of the previous reviewers. Though your writing is very clean and without grammatical errors, your characters can be a little hard to track. Sometimes, there isn't too much to distinguish between them, and I think just overall more physical character descriptions would help a lot aside from just personality distinguishment (not a word). But I really did love the world, and that is def the lasting impression in my mind of this story!

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Unique with lots of potential

I am a huge fan of the idea, and I think time is always a good power/theme/center conflict. You clearly have a creative mind and ideas come easy for you. Right now, it's the more technical things you need to get down. For example, your pacing tends to go just a little too quickly. I completely understand that you want to get to the meat of the story, but because the story goes by too quickly, tension doesn't build up enough for readers to feel as in the moment. I think a little more description will help as well, and there are grammatical errors that'll need to be finecombed through. You clearly have the important parts down. Just work on building instead of speeding, and you'll be fine!

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A current work in progress

I think this story covers some pretty important elements in today's world. There's abusive relationships that one often finds themselves struggling to run away from, and there's also the overall abuse of the entertainment industry. And I think it's important for the author to want to shed light on these two particular problems in our society today.

The problem is this story is far from complete, so it's actually pretty hard for me to give a helpful review. I personally like judging a story after everything has been completed, and I know first hand that the first few chapters tend to be the hardest ones to write. So please keep in mind the critiques I have here might not even be a problem in the future. Watch out for grammatical errors which are just generally sprinkled across the story. I think you can also try to "show" more in the first few chapters than "tell". She doesn't need to voice her thoughts for me to be pretty aware that he doesn't actually love her. That will also keep your word count down as well, if that becomes a problem in the future. I hope these are helpful, and I'm sorry I couldn't write more!

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Intense Erotica

Keep everything I write here with skepticism because I'm going to be honest - I'm not a huge fan of erotica. I rarely - if ever - read erotica stories. As a result, I'm not as well versed in understanding what makes a good erotica and what makes a bad erotica. What I do know, however, is that your descriptions are incredibly spot on. And for a short read like this, descriptions are absolutely necessary to make the story alive. I didn't catch any grammatical errors either. However, this just isn't my kind of genre. The official first chapter made me think it was rape, and that tends to elicit an immediate "no" from me in any of these stories. But once again, I am not well versed in this genre, so I could be completely wrong in my complaint.

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Ironically funny with sarcasm on top

This isn't a complete story yet, but from what I've seen so far, this is definitely going to be a fun novel from start to finish. I commend the author for her ability to write something that's so morbid and dark with comedic/sarcastic tone that stays and works throughout the entirety of the plot. I think first person narrative really works for her and the protagonist because I don't think the sarcasm could really come through in any other way. The dialogue is snappy and funny, and there's a lot of intrigue at the moment that the story hasn't explored completely. The only thing I've noticed for you to be careful of is that dialogue can sometimes drag out a bit too long. The conversation becomes mundane and somewhat unimportant, and that's usually when I find myself skimming through the story. But that's a very minor critique that only shows up once in a while, and I think it's an easy fix too once you read out your novel out loud. All in all, I had a lot of fun!

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A historical love story

This was a very lovely story with an ending made to make you feel warm. I would like to point out that I am pickier than most people when it comes to romance stories, so please take all my critiques with a grain of salt. I really only have two things that I really want to talk about. The first one is Alan. Unfortunately, I didn't like Alan for a long time before he finally started to warm up to me. Probably because I have always been particularly annoyed with characters and people in real life who are unwilling to let someone go even after the girl or boy has very clearly rejected them multiple times. In the end, he does finally grow on me, and I was able to see what a good person he was. But at the beginning, he could be extremely possessive over a girl who he has no right to be possessive over, and that just bothered me for a long time. The second one is that I think you need more significant characters to be the protagonist's ally. The ones who do support her generally do not show up too often in the actual story, and I just wish we had that one very consistent best friend to help her out or just have her allies do show up in the story more often.

But like I said, I've always been harsher when it comes to romantic stories, so keep everything I wrote with a grain of salt!

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An Enjoyable Sci-fi Ride

I'm going to be very blunt here and say that the areas I think you need work on has nothing to do with the plot or the characters but rather writing style. Because in all honesty, I think you have the plot and the world down. The characters were colorful, the sci-fi world was rich, even the technology and cultures and different species were intriguing and well thought out. It's a good story with good character development, and the areas you're stronger in is actually the thing many people are weaker in.

In regards to my critique to the writing style, I think there's just two big problems plaguing the story. And if you can fix those two areas, you've got a set novel. The first is that you have a tendency to "character hop" as it's coined. In fact, it is a problem that I've struggled with. It means that you switch between characters' focus/view a little too quickly that it leaves the reader slightly confused. I understand that you might've been going for the "omnipresent third person" style, but at the same time, even novels with that style has slight transitions between their characters. My second critique is actually really simple to fix: break up your paragraphs. The length can be distracting to the reader, especially reading online versus actual paper, and I think you can keep people's attention with the novel better with just some shorter paragraphs.

Overall, I clearly enjoyed the story, and I think the writing style edits are fairly quickly to apply. Hope it helps!

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A political thriller to enjoy

I will admit that this isn't usually the type of novel I read, so my review might be inaccurate to a certain degree. I will, however, once again reiterate what a lot of the other reviews have pointed out: this author is INCREDIBLY knowledgeable. The politics, the government, the economy, the entire country was built up to the very details and it's VERY realistic and accurate. I can imagine the country perfectly, and the author clearly did a BUNCH of research to be capable of creating something so well done. Another thing I want to note is that I loved the embedded quotes throughout the chapters. I think that it really adds flavor to the story.

I have some minor critiques. One is maybe divide up your paragraphs? The paragraphs can sometimes be extraordinarily long, and I just personally like it when the paragraphs are a bit shorter as it is easier to read/concentrate. Second is I find the pacing to be a little up and down. Sometimes the story is slow, and then sometimes the story picks up quickly. It's just a BIT uneven, not a huge deal in my opinion. But other than that, I have a lot of respect for the author and his ability to create something so real, and I think people should definitely give his novel a chance.

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A fun, unique story to read

There were many things about your novel I enjoyed. I really liked the main character, I liked the use of magic, and I liked how Nancy Drew really played a part into the story through your characters and the actual plotline. My two little critiques are 1. the beginning was a bit confusing, and it took me a few reads for the first two chapters to figure out exactly who was who and what happened . 2. I actually thought the ending was a little too sped up. Like suddenly everything was happening instead of a slow escalation. Maybe write a little more and space out some of the plot points. There were grammatical errors sprinkled around (annoying small errors that aren't specific at all), but I think that's a minor point in comparison to the whole story. I enjoyed it, and I def know I would be very into the plot if I was reading a literal book!

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Take a jump into an exciting fantasy

I can tell from the get go that you've put a lot of work into this novel. The grammar is absolutely impeccable, and the writing transitions are very smooth. You worked on the backstory, the characters, and the entire concept of magic within the world of reality. I appreciate all the hard work you put into it, and you should be proud of it.

My only critique to this novel is that the dialogue can be somewhat "on the nose" as what my screenwriting friend likes to coin. It's actually something that I had to consistently work on. Sometimes, the things the characters say to each other are things that sound too flat, and maybe a little too obvious that you normally wouldn't say in real life. I typically see it between Jason, Raine, and Eurich, but not so much between other characters. And dialogue, though not as ridiculously important as it is in a script, is very important to the story and can make the storytelling kind of awkward.

I think if you can just flesh out those dialogue between that group of friends, you'd have something great in your hands!

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Dude Smith

This was really different from what I usually read - mainly because it's rare to actually follow a protagonist from when he starts off as young to much older. The relationships are complicated and dark, and I think the point of this story is to not celebrate the beauty of romance but the struggles that it brings along the way. The protagonist is definitely very unique, and I think it will take some time for some readers to get used to him, but I'm assuming that is what you were originally going for. Aside from a few grammatical errors here and there (we can never seem to catch ALL of them), I can see you put a lot of work and effort into it.

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Absolutely excellent

Gosh, that was just so incredibly well written. I was absorbed immediately, I loved all the characters while screamed in frustration at the others, and there wasn't a bend in the novel that disappointed me. I honestly had no clue on who to trust and who to believe (I was just as suspicious at Celia as Hanu with my heart pounding). The writing is extremely mature, and it's the perfect length where it's not too long or too short. In fact, I didn't even see any grammatical errors, but it could be I was too absorbed in the story. Great job!

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Hard Issues Explored

I think Anna is my favorite character of all the characters being seen. As my title states, there's a lot of issues in the real world that's being presented and challenged in this story, and sometimes it can be hard to read because of the truth of the matter, but it's worth it in the end. This might be a little slow for those who seek for the action and thrill in regards to plot, but those that are a fan of realistic fiction won't be disappointed.

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A heart racing story

Dystopians always make me feel as if the world is doomed. That being said, this is an interesting plotline with an interesting world involved (I like that there are two sides instead of just one evil government). This could be something REALLY awesome, and I only wished that the protagonist's feelings could transition a bit smoother. I remembered in several chapters that she would jump from being pissed off to being remorseful to being shy to being dull and pissed off again, and I just think you could add in a little more description or thought process to smooth it out. I think that would also help with the development of her relations with the people around her - specifically Grey, Kern, and most importantly, Adrian. The world is well developed, and you got all the details of the plot fleshed out. It just needs a bit of finetuning is all!

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A Dark Twist on a Dark Theme

I really enjoyed the premise and the narration of the protagonist. There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but I think that's just fine comb editing (annoying editing) you need to go through. The only critique I have, and this is personal preference, is that sometimes Diana's thoughts could go a little too trippy. I know there's a particular effect you're going for, but at a certain point, it became hard for me to concentrate on exactly what was going on. However, as I said, this is just personal preference so take it with a grain of salt.

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An Excellent Piece on an Important Subject

This was an awesome read. The subject is so, so hard and often so rarely talked about, but it's so important to be discussed. I can tell the author put a lot of work and time into this story researching the legalities behind it, histories, and maybe even personal stories to make it as authentic as possible. Grey moral areas were introduced everywhere, and it left me even unable to pick a side to go with. The only thing I wished I could've seen more of was Adam's interactions in his foster home, and maybe less of Micah in the beginning when he was first getting into the subject. I was much more absorbed when Adam and Roger showed up in the novel, and I think it'd help the readers too if Micah's focus came more in the middle. Other than that, it was absolutely incredible reading this novel.

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Even Better than the First

At first I was shocked to see it was in first person, but much to my delight, I actually preferred first person over third! I think it does a much better job of getting into your protagonists' heads and seeing the description from their eyes. I only wished you could've put "Sophie" or "Suzette" at the very beginning of each chapter to reflect whose POV we were going to read. Yes, it was obvious enough to figure out, but just in case people get confused, I think that'll solve the problem. I have one suggestion that might...be drastic, so feel free to completely ignore it if you don't agree! SPOILERS (for anyone else who's reading this): I would have preferred it if you didn't hint there was more to Hertha. I think the shock factor of how evil she (or "she") is becomes a lot more impactful if the readers are led to believe the entire time, even by Sophie, how nice and welcoming she was without any suspicion. But other than that, bravo!

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Fascinating premise and fascinating worlds

I love, love, LOVED the fantastical element of your novel. Just thinking about diving into paintings and discovering new worlds sent a chill up my spine (and the good kind). I can't wait to read about the different worlds still to come in this series, and it's just overall such a good premise to a story. I only have a few teensy critiques that could be seen as nitpicking, but I want this story to go FAR, so here it comes! 1. I think you can actually cut down on the descriptions. No, the worlds are perfectly described and I basked in being able to picture them. The descriptions I'm thinking are "Caleb saw them as little sisters" - little things that readers can infer without being told about it. It'll make the novel less wordy and even easier to read than it is now. 2. I almost wished you had a prologue of some sort. The first chapter was pretty slow until the end, and from my own experience of editors and agents (my mom actually being one when she was younger), if the first few sentences don't catch your attention - they scrap it. I'd hate for that to happen here, so I wish to get some oomph for the first few sentences or even paragraphs. 3. Very small grammatical errors. I can tell that you've edited this before, and that they were likely small things that missed your eye (which are annoying of course). Overall, great job!

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A Great Read

I REALLY enjoyed your story! You did a great job on not only making it authentic as possible with the dialogue, but setting up plot twists and action (and yes, my mouth did drop on a certain one I don't want to spoil for future readers). The way it ended, I'm assuming it's part of a series? At first, I thought there was a lack of character development to my personal taste, but since it sounds like a series, there's plenty of time for that sort of development. You just have a few grammatical errors here and there, mainly to do with dialogue commas and " instead of '. But honestly, on the whole picture, it matters little aside from just finetooth editing. You've got something great here!

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Second Draft Review

I think the world and the plot itself is intriguing. I honestly love mercenaries/assassins and would read anything that has them in it. I think the biggest issue right now are grammatical errors and pacing. Even though some people tend to have a problem of dragging their plot too long, you like to make things happen a little too fast. Often, I find myself having to reread certain sections because so much has happened that my brain couldn't process it fast enough. Slow things down, take moments to describe things a little more. The grammatical errors are mostly things regarding commas, but I think once you go through it again, you can find those easily.

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