This is the first time I have written a review so please forgive if I step on any toes.
First I found the story line intriguing and holds my attention. I think you should go ahead and develope the story taking care to keep the same pace..
I realize you are writing in the first person but you begin too many consecutive sentences with "I". It seems to make the story too egotistical, too self-centred.
Finally pay a bit more attention to your grammar. I always read my stories over many times and I always find something wrong.
A good story, keep writing.
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